DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

He sounds very adorable. I really do think you should try backing off and leaving them to it. You might be surprised - at 2 they do have their distinct personalities coming through but there is also a fair bit of mimicking of their care givers coming through - so whilst you do know best what he likes with you, you don't actually know what he might like best with his dad. I think most parents have been in a situation where they've confidently asserted their DC doesn't like such and such only to see them happily do it with grandma.

Yes? He works nights so hes at work overnight so hasnt dealt with the night wakes and then he sleeps during the day. He either spends a bit of time in the morning or a bit of time in the evening do bath time and then I do bedtime whilst he gets ready for work.

He has sleep apnea he needs 8-9 hours of sleep. As much as I would love him to be able to cope with less sleep and spend more time with us. Him getting the sleep he needs and not falling asleep on the way to work is more important.

He does the cooking on his days off but I cook on the other days. I am the one at home so I'm not sure why its surprising that I do the main parenting role?

We don't get any time for us unfortunatly. Thankfully with my maternity leave we at least see eachother on his day off but when I am at work I work the 2 days he doesn't ao we don't see eachother at all which is hard but its what works at the moment without me losing time with DS.

This is what I was getting at . You’re going to spend more time defending him than getting applicable advice it’s going to be tough.

He is my perfect little boy (well as perfect as a 2 year old hitting the terrible 2s can be 🤣)

Thank you. I clearly need to focus a bit more on the end of my pregnancy and the baby and allow them to figure their own relationship out. I suppose its always going to look a bit different to mine and DS.

• partner needs to be taking
• access his blood results on NHS app or ask Dr's for a copy. Put them into chat gpt and it will tell you what is borderline and what isn't. Nhs guidelines for normal is SO LOW I'd be very interested in his wbc, ferritin, b12 etc
• He needs to take his health super seriously and take loads of vitamins and eat healthily. He is a shift night worker and overweight that's literally a recipe for high blood pressure and disease! Health is terrible in night workers usually, it's quite bad for the body
• Magnesium foot spray/cream or magnesium vitamins for him before bed to ensure a deep restful sleep. It's possible he still isn't actually getting enough restorative slow wave sleep

Things he needs to do on days off:

• get up, get toddler dressed and head out asap to the local library for rhyme time, or to take a book out and have a play with the toys. Good weather: use balance bike or trike and then go to a playground after for picnic lunch/cafe lunch and a play
• Back home for nap or nap in the car or buggy
• Or he gets up and takes toddler somewhere like a farm park, soft play (he doesn't need to get inside the soft play just choose a very young soft play, lots are made for kids 0-3 that just have a ball pit and slide eg) he can roll the balls to his son, clap when he comes down the slide etc
• Role play cafe, splash pad in warmer weather, museum, local hobbycraft or pets at home.. with half term coming up pets at home do loads of events on like holding guinea pig etc. He can watch.
• Obvs the bigger stuff like national trust or beach or zoo
• One of them toddler dance classes like moo music or jiggle and rhyme. Easy

He allowed me to give up money to be with our kids as much as possible so in my eyes we are a team. I just want to know how to help him

You are not married. You earn 2 days worth of minimum wage. Which he ‘allowed’…

You are entirely focused on caring for your son and his useless dad.

One day all this will blow up in your face and you’ll find yourself alone and penniless, with two children to support. The ‘team’ you think you are part of is mostly in your head.

It's quite likely, at this point in time, that he believes what he is telling you. However, he is weak, lazy and not cut out to be a supportive father.

He will either continue as he has been, and you will wear yourself out trying to keep this leaking ship afloat, or he’ll decide that it’s all too much and walk away.

Put your own needs and those of your children FIRST. By all means hope for the best…..but plan for the worst.

Understood… those are tough hours to work around without kids in the mix. If at all possible try to prioritize some time with just the two of you Eve if you just stare at each other in exhaustion.

FWIW, Nothing you’ve said to me sounds terrible or unworkable. Maybe it’s not ideal but it will get the job done 🙂

That you would want another one? What about him? What did he want?

I'd just let him figure it out though your son is young and will expand his speech and interests in time. The warmer weather will help too as he can do painting or messy stuff outside, gardening and weeding, pottering about using tools.. healthy for dads mental health and his son to learn to grow stuff. 99% of the time nothing will grow hut they love messing around in sand and dirt, burying stuff, using Digger tots, planting apple cores and seeds etc or plants from garden centre

Perhaps he could take him to the cinema for the kid screenings etc
If he isn't super playful that's fine lots of people have a stoic/intellectual/introvert type parent, as long as he is vocal and tells his son he loves him and is proud of him and tries to narrate what he and son are doing to improve his speech. Perhaps he could introduce some kid board games like the orchard toys ones.. matching pairs or snap or a jigsaw. Easier than playing pretend or just running around randomly

I think you are mostly projecting as this doesn’t sound like what’s the OP is describing.

But I do agree that sooner or later the OP needs to sit down and think about going back to work or financial protections for herself and long term goals for the family financial health.

However this moment with #2 imminent is not the time.

I did check all his blood results when they got done last time and nothing was borderline. But he is going to request it all be checked again as its been a year and a half since. And push for them to check for diabetes.

A plan for his day sounds like a good idea. Give them some structure and I can do naptime if it isnt done in the car.

We don't have a huge amount on for toddlers around us but with the weather hopefully improving from March onwards he will love national trust places!

He does need to take his health more seriously that I do fully agree with!

Thank you for your reply and the suggestions!

Sorry for my terrible spelling and grammar 🙈
Definitely pushing for retesting bloods sounds a good idea. I've also saw at boots they do mini kits of blood tests for certain things like anemia, not sure if they've got a diabetes one. I think you can buy a blood sugar tester and test own sugars anyway ?
Otherwise I've seen private blood tests like Thriva which looks interesting

Perhaps also he needs to increase his exercise. It may gain him some energy
Even one class a week swimming, yoga or spin/circuits etc at a local gym

I find it a bit sad you don't think people deserve a chance or help.

Yes he did 'allow" me to quit my career. It knocked about 30k off our household income which when we arent high earners is a massive cut and put a lot of pressure on him considering his health issues too. I am so so grateful that he agreed to it so I have been able to be with my son as much as I have been. Going back to a full time career when my son was 1 would have broken my heart.

I believe everyone deserves and chance and I think that people can be helped and supported. I won't give up on someone I love because ita hard or not perfect. We are a team. He holds up most of the financial side and I hold up most of the parenting side. Yes Id like some inprovement on his parenting side. But he isnt going to the pub after work getting pissed instead of seeing his kid. He is exhausted and finds parenting and bonding a lot harder than I do. But he deserves a chance and some people on here have given some really helpful suggestions and input.

He was fully on board with having a second child.

I wish we had some toddler screenings around our way but nowhere seems to do them. My son is actually pretty good at sitting for a film at home.

Lots of amazing suggestions though thank you!

Absolutely crazy to bring another child into this world…he sounds like he cba to me and you just make excuses for his laziness

He is a disinterested father, sad really. He either copes on, grows up or loses his family.
I wouldn’t waste years trying to change him or having to over compromise because he lacks the intelligence to love and interact with his children.,

Time with my kids is the most important thing for me right now. Part of me knows I should go back to a career to also take the burden off my partner as he earns well but not amazing with the cost of living.

But as I cant return to what I was doing due to the hours it does involve a career change so I will enjoy my DC2 and continue part time until I work out what works for us without losing all my time with my kids.

He does between 15-20k steps at work! So he isnt inactive but he likes his food so he does need to try and fit in more exercise.

It probably wouldn’t be financially feasible to get back to work.
I have to say that you are a lovely patient person, good for you. I hope this is a blip and he can bond with the children.

I don't think its a waste to help someone develop as a person. I was a shell when I met my partner and he helped me grow and get the career I had.

No you can't help everyone but I believe everyone deserves a chance especially someone who financially supports his family and helped me to grow.

No at the moment it wouldnt financially make sense. I am considering doing some home study courses to get me ready for a different career path when the kids are a bit older. I'm only 28. I don't feel a big rush to head back to full time work!

You’re right. I’m a bit hard faced. Small children are exhausting. My DH definitely bonded better as they were toddler’s, full of character.

For sure… That’s why I said now is not the time. But do keep it in the back of your mind as it will become the the time to think about it at some point (in the next 5 years)