DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

@Karma1387 it might be useful when you are next at the library to see if they have a book on childhood development, which could give you ideas on what you can both do, within your comfort zone.

On a very basic level, he’s learning how shops work - you pick your items, put them in the trolley, go to the checkout, pay, put your shopping in the bag, leave the shop. If you walk there he sees the world around him, if you get the bus he sees how to get the bus (get on, pay the driver, take your ticket, find a seat, press the bell when you need to get off), if you drive he sees you driving, stopping when it’s a red light and going when it’s a green light.

Just like when you and your DP take him to a cafe or restaurant and he learns by watching you look at the menu, order the food, eat at the table, etc.

Babies and toddlers learn how the world works by observing you doing things. If you don’t do much with your DS, he won’t learn about the wider world. I appreciate that pregnancy means you can’t do much at the moment, but what kind of things did you do when he was a younger baby?

As in a book for like child development course or just a general child development book?

Wow I've never know such perfect parents let alone ALL the parents I know being so

Yes he really is. Look at the negative impacts on lockdown on childhood development - your son's life doesn't seem that much different to children in lockdown although he does have nursery which is good and your mum taking him out twice a month.

He’s missing out because you don’t go ANYWHERE. And because you don’t do anything outside the house nor have any friends with kids or any friends at all for that matter.

its honestly bizarre that your child wants to go home from the park all the time. Maybe he’s picking up that you hate being anywhere other than sitting at home.

and yes. 2 year olds can have friends. My 2 year old has friends at nursery, and friends outside nursery. When they are just under 2 it’s not as pronounced but 2 and over they really start having preferred friends to play with and get happy when they see them.

And most importantly you don’t want to change your ways at all if this means slightest discomfort to you or MINIMALLY doing something that you are not accustomed to but at the same time you started off that thread wanting for your husband to change his ways and do something that doesn’t come naturally to him and hence cause him discomfort.

its a very strange thread.

I didn't really do anything when he was little. Well my sister took us to lunch a few times and a couple of little walks. I lost my license the day he was born so we were restricted and I don't feel comfortable walking around where we live. When he initially started walking we went to the park a bit but once he got bored of the swings there wasn't anything for him do. I got my license back after I got pregnant so we haven't been able to enjoy the ability to go places.

I will plan to drive him to Tesco once a week once I am over the C section recovery as long as I don't lose my license again. See how he copes with it although I will introduce his harness and leash somewhere less enclosed first incase he hates it and melts down!

This is such a sad thread. Your life is so limited, so confined….. is this really what you want to replicate with your son? It is scary that you cannot see the point, the benefits of your child interacting with the outside world.

I really think you would benefit from a parenting course. As a first step, can you get some books on parenting and child development from the library? Look up some resources online, like the links already posted upthread.

I haven't really been involved with any lockdown kids so not really aware of the issues around it.

My mother will be going down to once a month but he does have nursery 3 days a week and if I keep my license I will start to take him places myself with the baby.

You can go to smaller shops without trolleys rather than large supermarkets.

I used to take grandson ( still do) so he understood how they worked and learnt how money works etc. as well as getting used to the idea of interacting with shopkeepers etc

As someone who had a child the same age as yours during the lockdown I do really struggle with how anyone could choose to live that way when they don't have to. Some days I wasn't any better than your DP as it was so hard having nowhere to go and no one else to see.

If you really can't cope with interacting with the wider world yourself then outsourcing as much as you can is the next best thing.

I don't mind being places like the park or country parks things like that. As long as there isn't a social aspect I am happy! The local park is just a bit crappy I think that's why he hates it. I think if I can find a toddler appropriate one he would be okay!

Hmm we obviously don't see inside his Nursery so we don't really know about friends. Nursery haven't mentioned him making any specific friends. He's going through the pushing and snatching phase at the moment so perhaps once he learns to share he might make some proper friends. But how would I know until he's at the age he can talk about his friends?

On your last point you are very honest and the thread has made me see I need to look at my own parenting before I lecture my partner on his!

I'd like my son to have a very different life to me! I just assumed if I encouraged him to do clubs and things that he might be less antisocial and anxious than me! It never occurred to me watching random strangers would have any benefit so I am grateful for the responses on here!

Do you do sharing things at home, does he push at home?

@Karma1387 do you interact with DS when he is watching tv, so maybe chat through what you are seeing, and where possible relate it to things you see around you

Out of curiosity though how do you teach them about how money works? Especially at such a young age, do you tell them how much the item costs and then pay and they learn from that? In an age where we don't carry around cash I wonder how I go about teaching hum how money works?

The interacting with shopkeepers is the hard part for me. The perk of Tesco is self scan.

But surely you want your kids to learn to interact?

And yes exactly. If it costs £1.50 then you can count out a pound coin and 50p piece and get them to hand over to the shopkeep and say thank you. Basic as that

It's how my life has always been so it never really occurred to me it would be such an issue for DS. I knew I needed to get him out for more fresh air and exercise but not the other stuff people have mentioned. I just assumed once he was older he could do clubs and stuff and that would help him be sociable.

I do feel sorry for those during covid who wanted to be social and couldn't. I appreciate how hard that must have been for you.

Nursery helps him. He loves going although he also loves coming home so its a nice balance.

I'm also concerned with how quickly you seem to give up if your son doesn't like something. Heaps of two year olds don't like things at the start or need some encouragement to start enjoying something. You say he doesn't like the local park - but what have you done to make it exciting. Surely there is a structure that can be a fire station or you can get him to gather things (biggest sticks or stones) if he's not yet into imaginative play. Same with going into the pram - my son also wasn't a huge fan but sometimes need must - can you keep a favourite toy aside that he only gets in the pram, or a treat. Look for birds or pretty flowers on the walk. Its not going to magically get easier to expand your toddlers world when you have a newborn - you'll need to really work on it.

It hadn't occurred to me as I say I don't really interact if I shop. If I have to go into a physical shop I try to use self scan or if checkout its usually just a thank you when I leave.

We don't use cash? Everything is through the bank card or phone so it can be tracked? Do you just have a 'random cash' on your monthly expenses that you keep aside for shop training with the kids?

You can get play money and play shops at home (if you don’t have cash)

Do you have charity shops near you?

We roughhouse a lot at home so there is a lot of grabbing, pushing etc but I don't let DS push just because he wants something or is frustrated. We have had it a few times over the last month or so and we have been working on dealing with it.

Sharing we haven't really done it at home. I mean we share a drink and food but toys there hasn't really been a situation where we need to share. Obviously with DC2 due very soon that is going to change so we will get a lot more opportunity to learn to share at home as well so hopefully we can nip the snatching in the bud sooner.

But nursery have assured me it's very normal and age appropriate. He's only been in the toddler room since January so they said he's just finding his place and no longer the oldest in the room.

Yeah we talk a lot when we watch tv. We kind of play and watch tv at the same time whilst I have been pregnant as it allows me small breaks off the floor. We name things we see especially if there are animals or shapes as he loves them! We sing and dance a lot too as he loves any film with music in!

So have you drove anywhere with him yet?

Re money just take out some cash and go to your local walkable shop or closest lidl. He can use a wee trolley and put in a treat from the bakery. Go to the till and let him hand over the pound, obviously helping. That's it for now until older and can teach numbers up to 10/20, number bonds etc. Number blocks on cbeebies etc

Buy a play till and pretend money and pretend play
Go to your nearest play street/role play cafe
Keep going with swimming it tires them out loads and is so fun

Sorry but you definitely need to suck your social aversions up as you will have to interact with other parents at the kid places, model saying please and thank you to service workers, go to restaurants and order etc
Summer soon so there will be lots of events on

I would also cut the tele time down and introduce cbeebies radio whilst you play with toys with him or whilst you rest with baby on sofa and he has some bits out. Magnatiles, little people, build a house for them ,smash it down and so on
If he loves music and dancing it'll be great and gives you some reprieve and something new to talk about. Yoto players have classical music on which is nice
Or jazz/pop/classical on bbc radio sounds

Yes I have cash so he can learn to count it and it's a lot easier to learn how it works. For example counting 1,2 ,3 ,4 in pound coins teaches them far more than if a phone pings up and amount. How will kids ever learn about money if they don't use it. ? The amount ( usually under a fiver) is so minimal it doesn't really need " tracking" tbh

Grandson also has a piggy bank / coin counting bank that he saves money In

Teaching a toddler to hand over the item and money and say thank you when given it back is the kind of thing most people do without thinking. However it seems you will have to make a bigger effort to encourage your kids to interact. You wouldn't have to say any more than thank you . But the interaction of choosing, counting money, paying and thanking a shopkeeper is all good lessons and the child has also got a magazine/ toy/ sweets etc

Another place I used to take dgs was a cafe for a cup of tea. He learned how menus worked as we " chose" from them, he learned to order from waitress and thank them when drinks arrived