DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Have a look at this paediatric Occupational Therapist on YouTube. She has great videos about child development. I think you'll find them useful https://youtube.com/@emmahubbard?si=qZaCByK5AYVkYw5S

@Willowywisp the OP doesn’t take DC out and tv is on all day. Dad doesn’t interact with the DC. Both parents need to be stepping up. They both need to be working on conversation with DC.

My son is my whole world. I have to admit I have really wanted DC2 and I will love him as much as I love DS but I am a bit sad that it wont just be us two in 3 weeks time.

Thank you for your response!

@Karma1387 that’s a common feeling. Important that in 6 week paternity leave, you still have 1:1 time with DS, as well as family time.

I do get that but until he is a bit older and can walk further its a bit difficult.

I also don't agree with forcing them outside in the rain just because they need fresh air. I as an adult cant stand being cold and wet. Why should I expect my kids to do it?

But yes I do understand DS is going to have to do some things he doesnt like as DC2 gets older and wants to do things.

@Karma1387

you don’t go to shops?? How come? Food? Clothes? Etc

Thank you!

@Karma1387

sometimes we have to do stuff we don’t want to do, OP 🤷‍♀️ That’s life

@Karma1387 if you live where we are your DS wouldn’t have been outside all year as we have had pretty much constant rain since beginning of January!

If you read my replies you would see pre pregnancy we barely watched any tv and over the summer and early pregnancy it was more but not all day as we could go in the garden.

Unfortunately a rough pregnancy and short dark days has meant a lot of tv. But I have no intention of that continuing post baby!

I try very hard to talk to my son as much as possible!

I shop online. All food is online shopping or partner grabs bits after work as he works in store anyway. Clothes and household bits are all online. I don't think I have set foot in a clothes store in 5-10 years!

I agree. Sometimes we NEED to do things ww dont want to do. DS doesn't need to go out in the rain if he doesnt want to just to stand in the rain not willing to play?

What lesson does that teach him? That we will just hang out in the rain despite nobody enjoying it just because? That seems crazy to me.

I dont do things i dont want to do unless I need to? Why are kids different?

Yeah its been a very rough January. Luckily on the lighter rain days he gets to go outside at nursery. But with a lot of days being heavy rain even nursery havent had them out in it.

so your partner works in a shop but you don’t think people go to shops? Yes more people do online shopping but shops still exist.

An interesting concept will be cash. When DS was younger it was helpful for him to see people counting out change. He had a play till (which did also have a card reader) but cash may become a slightly alien concept to many young children

If you don’t do to shops you could still play shops at home. Could your partner take him to where he works on his day off to show him where daddy works

Yes people go shops but I wouldnt class it as something normal that needs to he taught to children as a lot of people do online shop now. I'm sure if we went on a day out and we needed to grab something we would pop to the shop then for them to see but I find it odd that its seen as a key importance of growing up to go to a shop?

I'm not sure my partner would fancy a 2ish hour round trip to go to work on his only day off when DS has no idea whats going on. DS would just be pissed off hes being sat in a trolley and not taken somewhere he can be free and run around.

Playing shop and stuff at home will be great once hes older. Currently we try to play kitchen but that just means we dump everything out of the play kitchen onto the floor and remove the sink so he can drop stuff into it. Hes not quite 2 so I dont think hes at the make believe point of childhood.

But it’s a learning opportunity. You can point out different things in a shop, different fruit, vegetables. Talk an about what people are doing. Count cars on the way, talk about their colours? Talk about sky, clouds?

if he never leaves the house other than zoo and nursery maybe that’s why he doesn’t like the park? It’s such an odd behaviour from a toddler to ask to go home every time when he is in a park.
do you show him leaves, trees, birds, talk about them? Every stick and puddle are usually interesting to a small child.

There isnt much to see in our local park. Its just a field with a skate park in one section, basket ball court in another and then a small playground but DS doesnt like to equiptment in there. He got bored of the swing as he doesnt like to be confined and the climbing frame is a bit big for him so he asks to leave or now he can open the gate to the park will start walking home.

Hes never jumped in a puddle or anything like that or cared for picking up leaves and stuff. He doesn't like to get cold and wet.

Possibly this summer now hes more mobile and now I can drive he might be more interested if we find some different parks.

I am open to trying shops but I can imagine him hating it. He wont want to sit in the trolley and if hes walking on a harness hes going to try to pull everything off shelves and get annoyed when he isnt allowed. I do understand he has to learn he cant do everything he wants but when I take him out I want it to be enjoyable ideally. Especially when things like shops stress me out anyway without the screaming toddler.

I truly hope so x

We make an effort to go to shops for little things in the winter and it gives us an excuse to get outside and some fresh air.

I was made redundant last year and have become a SAHP as I was pregnant and it was difficult to find work. When I was working full time I did a online shop 5 out of 6 weeks and everything else was bought online. It has dropped to once a month. I get different things from different supermarkets based on costs and preferences for different items in different supermarkets. It gives me things to frame the week with. Less is done online now for the other things and when I do, I do collect in store rather than home delivery. Going into stores mean others interact with children and they see how others interact with one another.

We go to the library frequently, and charity shops to get books or little toys. Our local charity shop has a box of little cars for 50p. I get books for myself from the library too and try to find the time to read them but if I don't I can return without any guilt of spending money that wasn't used.

I remember listening to a piece of the cost of keeping children entertained. There was a caller who had twins just as there was a change in government and there was a dramatic drop in financial support they could get from the government and made things very tight. Their favourite activity was going to b and q as they didn't have to worry about things getting broken. Nice wide aisle so not under the feet of others but it was a free day out.

Have you had your 2 year check with your HV yet? It might be worth asking for advice on bring on the language of your son. My daughter was slow with language and we had a session with the nursery worker from the HV team and it was really helpful to have leaflets on various different techniques. They weren't ground breaking and we were doing a lot of it already but it gave us ideas on how we could expand what we were already doing. It might a way of flipping the conversation from the negative "you aren't doing X to help language" to the positive "these are some of the things that could help language development"

You seem to have some rigid thinking and I wonder if this is impacting how you view what you son likes to do and how he should be played with. My partner and I play quite differently with our kids. He plays very similarly to how you have described. It's not me and I do more construct then let her play then have a pause and the get involved again. I do more of the crafty stuff and the sensory stuff tickling them with different fabrics and so on. I do more of the trips to the park and soft plays but my partner does more playing in the garden. We complement one another. It's seems to me that you are a bit stuck on the he likes the zoo and when I do the rough play and it's shrunk your world a little bit and maybe your partner is then struggling to see where he can fit in. We really liked Jo Jo and gran gran when my daughter was that age. Most of the episodes are about being out in the community with ideas for activities. We also used to like singing hands on YouTube. They do makaton signing alongside nursery rhymes with children in the videos. The show might you ideas about what you can do out and about and how to turn the mundane trip for milk into something interesting for a 2 yo and the singing hands is a more interactive use of screens that might help your partner in engaging with your son.

@Karma1387

you dont feel anxious at the zoo?

No this isn't normal at all. The mums I know are actively engaged with their children. They play with them, delight in them, relish time with them, are on top of their needs and healthcare (vaccines, dentist, check ups etc.), know who their friends are at nursery, their current favourite book, take them places, and clearly adore them.

And the exact same goes for the fathers I know (I wrote it this way around for an obvious reason as I'm sure you can tell).

Your boyfriend is a deadbeat dad, and you bear some responsibility here. You might have not known what type of dad he'd be before your son. But you knew when TTC your next child, and you chose to saddle them with a crap dad anyway.

The important decision you'll ever make for your children is who you choose to be their other parent. You can't be blamed for the first child. But the second, why would you do this to them?

We only shop at 1 supermarket as we get discount so it makes sense. Doesnt it feel like a waste of time/fuel to just be driving to the shops for no reason when it can be done online in one go?

We do need to go to the library. We have an insane amount of books at home but it would get him out the house. I just need to check if they have a car park.

He isnt quite 2 so we havent had HV yet. Nursery aren't concerned about his speak at all. He says lots of words especially animals and colours and some food, states things like wet, food, drink. He just isnt at the point of conversations or being advance enough to discuss things or play make believe which I assumed was very normal?

Activities my twins enjoyed when they were two years old…

• going to the playground
• shopping - I would ‘discuss’ with them what we might have for dinner, whether to buy strawberries or raspberries, let them choose a cereal, etc
• going to the library - we did this every week and we would literally borrow dozens of books
• story time at the library
• going to McDonalds once a week or fortnight
• going to the plant nursery and they would help me choose bedding plants - and learn the names and colours at the same time
• go to the toy store to spend their Christmas money
• watch the swans and feed the ducks, and count the goldfish in the pond
• playtime with my friends’ children (met several friends via a babysitting circle)

I do disagree since starting this thread. I think he is a dad that is struggling with a lot of health issues, the full financial burden and also lack of knowledge on how to play plus pressure from me to do it a certain way.

And i think I am also partly to blame where I havent been able to do as much with DS since getting pregnant which would have benefited his development and probably made my partners ability to play with him a bit easier.

Although you knew who their friends were at nursery? I assume you mean once they hit preschool age? I don't think my son has friends at nursery yet!

Hes just starting to learn to not push and snatch. I cant imagine he has actual friends.