DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

He wont sit in his pram for long anymore so we dont tend to walk to the library as he wont walk on foot all that way. We never go to the shops as partner shops after work or I online shop.

I know I need to start taking him to different places. Once I have recovered after birth I will be working on it. I have ordered a harness and leash and I am looking for a toddler carrier so we dont have to use the pram for him.

He walks to the gate of the park and asks to go home.

How do I know he doesnt like it? Because if I take him into the garden and its wet and raining he walks back to the door. If we take him to the park he goes to the gate and shouts home.

How many hours a day is your son exposed to TV? I don’t think mindless background TV - especially if there are lots of advertisements - is a good idea.

He should only be watching age appropriate programmes for short periods. Stuff that actually stimulates him, things that are at least partially educational, for instance programmes about animals. Things you have researched and consciously chosen as being of interest and benefit for him.

As a general point, he needs more structure to his days. Planned activities, including reading, talking about books and discussing his thoughts and experiences and what he would like to do, doing artwork….. - and getting out of the house every day.

It’s really important that he gets exposure to so many different things (and not via the tv) His life sounds a bit like a COVID child and that has had serious repercussions on some children.

How long does it take to get reins or similar for him. Can order them today and you could get them tomorrow

Are you getting a buggy board for the pram?

Prior to pregnancy maybe 30 mins. Since I got pregnant its on most of the time. Its been a rough pregnancy and I dont have the stamina or strength to play with him on the floor all the time. After baby is here and I feel better I would like to go back to 30min-1hr.

My almost 2 year old cant discuss his thoughts and interests or say what he would like to do. His idea of fun is pulling all his toys out or climbing everything. I'm not sure what sort of structure for 10 hours a day a 2 year old can have.

We read probably 10-15 books a day so he has no shortage of reading but he cant discuss them. He just likes to cuddle whilst I read.

I assume he doesn’t watch tv all day at nursery, so they have a structure in place there

I can get them tomorrow. I cant however go out and about as I cant walk very far without being in agony. My partner isnt having any days with DS until his paternity leave as his shifts have had to move around to accomodate some other managers being off. So its just me at the moment.

I will be getting a buggy board. I dont think he will be willing to stand on it but I am going to attempt it.

Once we have everything and partner is on paternity leave they will go the zoo and bits.

As @sittingonabeach said - what does he do when he is at nursery.

I appreciate the last weeks of pregnancy are tough, but here are some ideas:

https://montessorigeneration.com/blogs/montessori/playing-at-home-with-toddler

How does he get to nursery?

The zoo would be great but he also needs to see the more usual things in life too like shops. Helps him see interactions and maybe interact himself with other people, especially as he isn’t seeing that modelled by his parents

From what I have gathered from nursery they mainly free play in the toddler room. They also eat 3 times in the 7 hours he is there and he sleeps for 1.5- 2 hours. So they are probably only filling 3 hours of playtime which they say they mainly free play. Bit of time in the garden if it isnt raining. They sometimes have an art activity they can do if they want to.

I have 10 hours a day to fill. I dont know what on earth a structured day looks like for a 2 year old? At home activities like arts and crafts are 5 minutes long if I can even get him to take part?

We also dont have set wake up, nap time or length so our day varies in terms of hoe much daylight we have at the moment.

We drive him there.

We dont go to shops. Where else would you suggest that is going to be beneficial? We go to restaurants when we can.

They just freeplay. Hes there 7 hours. 2 of those are generally sleeping. They eat 3 times in the time he is there so I think they just freeplay, bit of garden if the weather allows, sometimes arts and crafts if the kids want to.

But they made it clear when he moved to the toddler room it was very free play focused. After sleep and 3 meals I cant imagine they have much more than 3 hours of time to fill with play.

Honestly @Karma1387 this is all a bit muddled.

I'm going to break it down as I see it and please correct me if I'm wrong.

DP is a bigger guy so there are health issues there. The sleep apnea and possible diabetes concern would indicate this. This 'can' (not always) make the energy levels an issue, so that when he is sat it tends to vibe more into resting than just sitting. Can impact some of the mobility on/off the floor with DS as well (speculating, just guessing). So a larger guy, with disturbed sleep, health issues and working long shifts? If that's the case, addressing the health element would make all of the other bits easier.

You keep saying he's a good dad he's just not engaged as you would like. From what you have said, he doesn't ignore your DS if DS indicates he wants to play, he just doesn't start the play, is that right? So if DS is busy doing toddler stuff, DP won't interfere and try and get DS to play with him? He doesn't dismiss/ignore DS at all? If that's the case, it's okay to a point. DS doesn't need to be engaged with a parent at all times, that's just setting you up for problems (which I think you're now realising with DC2 imminent and a toddler who is basically up your ass all day long?). Toddlers do need to be able to just 'be' at some points so just because DP is there, he doesn't 'have' to be engaged at all times. That's not letting him off the hook though, although the engagement doesn't always have to be big - book reading and doing stuff DS wants to do is valid. I do get the feeling that somewhere between what is happening now and what you see as the 'right' way for them to engage is possibly more of a valid standpoint.

For context, I was absolute shite at play when my DD was little. I'm so very exceptionally literal (ND) that pretend play just made me feel like a dick. I had a go, but I also made a point of finding other stuff to do with her instead - so still engaging but in my own way. She's 18 now and we are ridiculously close. Good engagement isn't just in one form - but I still say more effort now to do soemthing would be beneficial for all of you.

As an FYI, I do feel you need to pass some of the parenting on too. You wanted to be the present parent, which you have done but I get a niggling feeling you have done this on big scale. If you're the only one doing the other stuff, your DS isn't going to be interested in a bit of token play from DP and that won't enable them to build the relationship you're hoping for. You say DS is a mummy's boy, through necessity to a degree due to DP working, but you're tying yourself into a situation where you do absolutely everything for DS and then you'll get to a point where you're complaining that DP won't parent. He won't parent because he won't be able to

He goes to the zoo every other week anyway but this will change to once a month so we can probably take him there ourselves too. Although I'm not sure how long going to the same zoo every week will get boring for him 🙈

Yeah my partners health has a big impact in his energy etc. Hes working on it (lost 2 stone last year) but its a battle but 1 step at a time.

He wont ignore DS. But DS doesnt try to often initiate play with him especially if I am around (which is obviously the case since I have been on maternity)

So do you initiate play with DS or does he initiate with you?

Mixture. I let him play independently but I feel bad if its been to long so I will try and get him to read with me or play with something with a bit more focus than jist destroying everything.

I also talk to him/reply to his babbling whilst he plays independently wheres my partner doesnt do this but I worry about his speech if we don't as its not like hes hearing me and my partner talk to eachother on a daily basis so I try and talk to DS as much as possible even if I have no clue what he is saying.

But my partner is trying to work on talking to DS but he finds it hard to know what to say to nonsense babble (which I get it is hard) but he has been trying.

@Karma1387 why don’t you go to shops? Don’t have to go to big shop or do a big shop. Go to newsagent and get a magazine for DS.

Used to visit garden centre or pet shop with DS when he was little, as cheap alternative to zoo as they had fish and small animals!

Did do small food shops with DS, he sat in the seat in the trolley and was quite content to point things out. When he was little you could get a toy shopping list with magnetic pictures of food, so you could use that for him to spot things in the shop.

Its good you take him out for food, DS loved food and people watching so we were able to have quite leisurely lunches out with him!

But seeing normal life out and about is important. Schools saw a real difference in early years children after the pandemic, as their speech and awareness of things around them had been severely impacted by lack of interaction outside the family when we had to be in lockdown.

Truthfully because I hate going to shops! They also quite a walk away which when DS hates the pram is difficult as its too far for him to walk.

Is it normal life though to go to these places. Everything is online now shopping wise? I get going to zoos and country parks and stuff but I don't really understand taking kids shopping when surely for a lot of people its more normal to shop online?

Turn the tv off and talk to him. Point things out to him, get him to repeat back.

When DH is home in that 6 weeks model conversations with him.

Do you play simple games with him

Although nursery may look like free play there will be some sort of structure to follow EYFS guidelines. Toys will be chosen accordingly

If he has cars, bricks, farm animals or similar toys you can pick out the colours, size, shape, sound, name. The same in books. Encourage 2 way conversation

Ah, okay I see where you're at. I have just read through some of your other posts (19 pages is a lot to get through while I'm supposed to be working)

With all the love in the world, as I can tell that being a mum is the absolute 'everything' to you, you're overfocusing and it's going to make it very difficult once DC2 is here. If DS is quite happy doing what he's doing, leave him be, you don't need to feel bad for him as he's obviously content and will let you know if he isn't. This is the same for your DP - if DS is fine, he can just let him get on with it.

I do agree with the talking thing though - you both need to be communicating as much as possible with him to bring his speech on so he can engage with you both. DP might find he has a lot more input then.

I do get a little bit of a vibe of DS wants being valued above everything. He doesn't like the park so you don't do it, he doesn't like to walk so you don't do it etc. This is quite common when you invest all of yourself in being the parent. It's not beneficial for either of you and it will be challenging when DC2 gets here and atention HAS to be split. As much as DP should have been more involved up to now, we're kind of shoring up as the dam is about to burst as you know this is going to be an imminent issue. He's going to have to deal with the fallout.

I think this is where some of your worries are coming from. You're doing a good job but you'll be doing a better job if you take a small step back. You're a person as well as a mum

OP, please stop responding to these posts that are telling you what to do with your time. You asked for advice because your partner is not good at playing with your son - that's a him issue, not a you issue (other than what you do about it). Posters on this thread have managed to derail the whole thread with constant judgement about how you spend your time. When you have very young children, they need to be your focus. You sound like a great mother in that regard. No amount of you trailing around the shops is going to sort the issue with your partner so don't let these posters get you sidetracked into having to defend yourself constantly.

Also sometimes DC have to learn that sometimes they have to do things they don’t want to do. School is going to be horrendous if you don’t go anywhere because DS doesn’t want to walk, or you don’t do something because DS isn’t keen.

Your second DC is likely going to want to do different things to DS when they are both older. You are going to have to manage that

I'm not sure what you mean by simple games?

I try to do some general playing so we name his animals or try to do a puzzle but he only plays for a few mins and then he just throws stuff/empties toys off the shelf etc. Its hard to get him to focus on things. He more of a run and climb the sofa and be chased kind if kid. Even books he now prefers to read it on his own, its 50/50 on if he will sit and read with me or if he takes it away from me to go read on his own.

The TV will be off a lot more after the baby gets here.