DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Well, I think you just need to carry on as you were tbh, OP @Karma1387 Enjoy

Sorry to keep asking but I just find it baffling so I want to understand.

I guess I’m just struggling how it can be really NOTHING.
do you not read at all, anything?
cooking, baking?
TV shows?

what did you talk about with DH before you had kids?

I heard though that horse riding is all consuming:) but I’m just struggling with an idea of nothing beyond that :)

A lot of kids activities like scouting have parent rotas, want help with some fundraising activities, how will you manage with that @Karma1387

What will happen when DC start going out with friends and not needing you so much, what will your life look like then?

I will happily attend sports etc to watch my kids and take them to birthday parties. I may not be able to talk to other parents but I wont stop my kids doing things they enjoy.

He doesn't tend to have proper breaks at work he usually eats whilst doing admin. The falling asleep now is usually only if hes a bit tired so on his day off if he woke up at 6ish. By 5pm if he isnt doing something he could doze off. Its not as frequent as it used to be.

Since he has had his CPAP machine he doesn't have any issues driving thankfully.

I see. I’m sad. Looks like it was an important part of your life, I hope you’ll be able to have it back at some point.

how about family walks /hikes in nature? It doesn’t have relationship with a horse which I understand is special but it does give you solitude / nature and exercise plus a family activity. You can even get buggies which are suitable for that.
bike rides?
again not as special as horse riding, but…

Thank you 😊

I can put the tv on and watch shows but they dont really interest me they are just background noise. I tend to just rewatch stuff I have seen multiple times so I know whats going on even if I'm not paying attention.

I cook dinner because I have to. I read a little if I cant sleep but not because I enjoy it. Its just better than laying their for hours not being able to doze off.

We used to talk mainly about work. We both mainly worked for the same role and company but different stores so we spent a lot of time talking about that. We both worked a lot of hours so we didn't have a huge amount of time we needed to fill with talking.

I really didn't known it was so unusual.

@Karma1387 interesting how you want your partner to change and do things parenting wise that don’t seem to come naturally to him, but you won’t talk to other parents, build friendships which would be advantageous for your DC as that doesn’t come naturally to you.

All these things are important for your DC

Honestly stuff like that I am not sure I would cope with. I would try for my kids but I really don't know if fundraising etc is something I could cope with.

As for when they dont need me as much ai assume it i assume it would look slightly similar to before kids. I would probably go back to full time work if we can make it work besides that it wont be much different to how my life was pre kids.

I will be taking the kids out places after the baby. I couldnt do that with DS as I lost my licence the day he was born.

One day maybe we will be able to afford a horse again but my kids are the priority.

It isn't just about talking to people and friendships not coming naturally. I just can't do it, i tried baby groups etc. All they did was left me stressed, itchy and made me feel mentally unwell.

Some people are just not good with other people. And doing something that damages my mental health isnt going to be beneficial for my kids in the slightest!

@Karma1387

maybe playing is something your partner just can’t do! Maybe pushing him would damage his mental health?

you seem very keen to push him out of his comfort zone, but at the same time very rigid about remaining in your own comfort zone!

You may very well be right and I may have to accept they wont have a playful relationship! I wouldn't ever want to compromise on his mental health which is fragile anyway.

If he ever told me he mentally couldn't play with DS it would be very different. At the moment he says its not being sure how as well as feeling exhausted and a bit numb (we think he may be depressed again so he is requesting to go back on his meds.

@Karma1387 is it possible for both of you to come slightly out of your comfort zone. Not saying you have to be the life and soul of the party. Currently your DC has one parent who doesn’t really interact with them and at least one parent who doesn’t interact with anyone else.

Does he want to have a relationship with his children? Have you asked him this question? He may be tired but he is choosing to scroll on his phone rather than engage with his child. The willingness has to come from him. If he is diagnosed with sleep apnea then he ought to be using a CPAP machine which will help with the tiredness although working night shifts is a lot more tiring than day shifts (there was a study when I was working shifts that said an 8hour night shift was equivalent to 12hour day shift - can’t say I thought it was that bad, but I never did much on the days between night shifts but managed lots more when on morning shifts)
Coming from a family where they don’t engage much will mean that he doesn’t know what he should be doing and he may not be paying attention to learn from you if he’s not included Do you do things together as a family (trips out; playing games; reading…?) perhaps he learns better by being involved rather than watching?
it’s really hard to know why he’s not engaging but the impetus needs to come from him, not just you pushing him to do it, otherwise you’ll both end up resenting each other

I'm not really sure what to give a try. I have tried the gym and gym classes. I have tried baby/toddler groups with him. I don't exactly have the time to go and do 'social' things especially with a baby and I wouldn't know what to do...

So besides me and DS and baby going out together to do things like the zoo and stuff I'm not really sure what else I can do to step out of my comfort zone.

I really never considered it to be an issue. I always thought as long as I encourage my kids to join clubs etc they would hopefully not find social situations as difficult as me.

Yes he wants a relationship with his kids and he does try. I think the winter has made it a bit harder. I do feel sorry for him. He only gets 1 proper day off. None of his family are close by and they arent overly close to be able to call up and chat to eachother. I know he wants to try and I think I have been a bit harsh.

He uses his CPAP machine everyday. Its helped massively but the last few months he has seemed more tired again. I think possibly depression again.

Prior to me going on maternity leave we didnt have a single day as a family as I worked the 2 nights he doesnt so we havent had a lot of family time unfortunately. And since I have been on maternity I have been struggling with the pregnancy so we havent been able to do stuff.

He has been out with DS swimming lessons but they have stopped as DS hates them. So they are going to find a new activity (and hopefully some activities to do during the 6 weeks he has off for paternity leave)

It sounds like he’s definitely trying then and will hopefully build a relationship over time. I’m not sure you’ll get as much help as you’d like during his 6weeks leave, but hopefully he’ll be trying to help and engage. The fact he hasn’t used your son not enjoying swimming as a way to not do anything is encouraging. Fingers crossed he’ll get there with time x

Do you have a local library that runs anything? Children learn things from seeing their parents do things. Children’s love of reading can be impacted by seeing their parents read, especially dads. Again seeing how parents split chores can be influential. Seeing how parents interact with others, seeing them do activities, hobbies will all help with their development. You can’t just leave it to nursery/school

Why not offer to help out at a riding stables? It's exercise and you would get some free rides- I have loads of friends who did this.
Horse ownership is expensive- but that doesn't mean you can't keep costs down, I did it on a tiny budget by having a small native breed that could live outside year round, and rarely needed the vet. This combined with a friend or acquaintance who will let you turn them out in a field with others brings the cost down to food (less than 6 months usually) and shoes every 6-8 weeks.
Doing it these days I would take one from a horse charity (Redwings or World Horse Welfare are good) so only a modest gift to the charity,it's thoroughly vetted, plus you have them as back up if you can't afford vet bills or if you can no longer look after the horse.

Forgot to say, could he have Seasonal Affective Disorder- he won’t be getting much vitamin D dduring winter (especially on night shifts!) perhaps he could get some bits supplements and get outside a bit more. I always feel perkier once spring comes around

The only activity the library do is on his nursery day. Me and DS read lots of books together as he is book obsessed. My partner reads with him too and my partner also lovew to read. So reading is well covered!

They dont really see a chore split as I am the one at home and with the time so I do all of that stuff.

I am hoping DS will have hobbies as he gets older and we can start introducing him to stuff. But he doesn't really see me interact with others besides my dad or if we go out for dinner he sees us interact with waiters but I don't really see many people.

Because I don't like the social aspect of this and I also wouldn't be able to commit to th3 timings. I can't to mornings, afternoons or weekends.

I enjoy the solitude of horses. Having to interact with others by volunteering would remove the peace and calm it provides me with which is the only reason I enjoy it.

Livery is incredibly expensive. Add in hay, feed, farrier, saddle fitter, vets, physio etc it is just not achievable at the moment when we only have 1 full time wage. If we eventually have 2 incomes plus no childcare costs I might be able to have it again.

Yes I imagine its a bit easier if you have a friend you can turn out in their field. But if you don't have that its very expensive. Finding a affordable yard for a horse with an arena to ride in is like gold dust with the gold price tag.

He does take supplements as he has a protein shake filled with them at work.

But he is going to ask to go back on his meds. I do wonder if the winter plus working nights doesn't help. He doesnt see much daylight! Roll on spring/summer.

@Karma1387

why couldn’t you do weekends?