DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

I went to the gym after DS. I hated it so stopped going. I tried classes and the normal gym. They just made me feel stressed and run down.

My partner tries to go if he gets time but he doesnt often have the time or energy.

But even if i went despite it making me feel crappy. Surely its still not classed as a hobby or interest?

No I dont have any friends at all and not really interested in having any friendships. Its just the way I am really.

@Karma1387

“They just made me feel stressed and run down.”

they shouldn’t make you feel like that - how many were you doing?? Maybe start off going like once a week and building it up so you don’t get overwhelmed

I just went once a week to a class as I thought I might enjoy something like zumba or boxersize and once a week to the gym. One at start and end of week.

The classes involved too many people and I found it super boring and stressful. The gym was just super boring. I tried getting a personal trainer to make me a routine so i knew what I was doing and why but its all just so dull. I went home to DS feeling more run down or deflated than before I went.

So I stopped as it was making my head feel worse not better.

@Karma1387

thats a shame. So what do you actually like doing? What do you enjoy?

oh yes, I read a bit more of your posts.

there was another one where you said that you hope your kids will be not like you and have hobbies and friends, but surely people can be different etc.

that’s true, people are different and you don’t have to pretend to be someone who you are not.

but kids learn from families who to be and how to live their life, they are wired to model their parents behaviour. They don’t usually magically become very different . So you’ll just need to think later how to ensure that your kids have opportunities to learn how to have and build friendships and be exposed to different hobbies etc. eg will you be taking them to different extra curricular classes when they are small and supporting their interests? Or you expect them to develop them only after they are older when your involvement is not needed?

and your kids may be just as introverted and that’s fine but IMO as a parent you at least want to give them opportunities to be different from you just in case they are.

part of that in primary school will require you to be sociable with other parents and have chit chats and superficial friendships if you don’t want your kids to be isolated so it’s best to think about and practice your own skills.

and also btw some of kids’ interests are super dull so best to practice ability to feign
interest. As you can see your husband ALREADY struggles.
i can tell you that it’s very boring to have a long discussion about K pop demon hunters and their drama

Many children’s friends start with children in their parents friendship groups. Your DC are going to grow up with a dad who isn’t actively parenting them and their mum. That is not good for their development. You both need to step up for their sake

I feel like I am awful for saying nothing. I enjoy spending time with DS just me and him or with my dad.

But apart from riding horses I haven't really ever had anything I actually enjoyed doing that brought me happiness or peace. Most other things just make me anxious or stressed.

And yes I have had therapy for the anxiety but it never helped. Again it revolves around forcing myself to do things which never actually alleviated the anxiety or made anything happy or enjoyable to do.

I think both are true, it's bad for OP and it will be detrimental to her children.

If that's genuinely who you are OP and it's not a symptom of mental illness or burnout then I guess it can't be helped. Hopefully there will be some inspirational adults in your DCs lives as they get older.

Yes my intention is to expose them to different clubs etc so they can be around other people and hopefully find their own hobbies.

I am also very aware my kids could end up like me and not be sociable and thats okay as long as they are happy.

I'm honestly not sure I will be able to fake friendships with parents when my kids are trying to make friends but we will see on that one. I don't remember my dad ever socialising with other parents as he worked a lot. I made my own (if very limited) friendships just generally through school. My dad would drive me places but I don't remember him ever being 'friends'with them. He is much much more sociable for me but he had work to do (he ran his own business and was a single parent)

I will be sad if the way I am affects my children but I can't just pretend to be friends with people or find a way to connect or chat with people if its not something I can do.

I will be there for my kids as much as I can but having my own 'friendship group' isnt something I think I am capable of. I havent had a single friend in probably 8-9 years! And even before that it was only really 1 friend at a time and they werent the most stable or functional friendships.

Who knows who my kids will meet as they get older. But I think there is more to having a good life than friendships. I haven't had a single friend in 8-9 years and its never bothered me.

I have lots of things intend to do with my kids so they will have plenty of experiences to shape and develop them.

And who knows one day I might have the funds to do the one hobby I have ever enjoyed but I wont get back into that unless I know I can easily afford it without it impacting my kids quality of life.

Well horse riding is an all consuming hobby and a sport ;)
Also something you can do together with children

I wouldn’t worry about the whole parental friendship group thing too much. Our children have not clicked with any of our friends’ children. It just didn’t happen.

They made friends at school. Two of them had a massively social time at uni and one of them is a massive introvert who sees nobody at uni and has one schoolfriend he meets up with about 3 times a year. They are who they are.

But it sounds like you enjoy horse riding. Would it enhance your life to get back into that?

I agree you might be trying to micromanage your husband. Sounds like he’s loving and attentive. If you want them to spend more time together, remove yourself from the picture more. Go riding!

This is a really good point about how children learn to model their parents’ behaviour. My interests are probably quite boring compared to others (reading, crafting, a volunteer position), but my DD sees me doing these things at home, or going out to book club/ knitting group/ committee meetings, and it shows her there’s more to life than just working or being at home. She also sees DH doing his hobbies (martial arts, D&D, computer games). I think it’s really important to show that there’s more to life than just being mum and dad, though of course we didn’t have as much time and energy when she was in the toddler and pre-school years.

I agree with the point about being sociable with school parents - you don’t have to become close friends, but a bit of chatting at the school gates goes a long way to being part of the school community and facilitate friendships. Again, I’m sure some of the parents think I’m quite dull, and we don’t have that much in common, but it doesn’t matter when it’s a few minutes chat.

Feigning interest is also another important skill - I don’t have that much interest in Pokemon or the computer games DD plays, but I pay attention to her talking about it (I’d love a conversation about the K-pop Demon Hunters instead 😀)

@Karma1387

i would actually really prioritise in your finances you getting back into horse riding, OP. You and your physical and mental health matter, and if horse riding is the only thing that doesn’t make you stressed or bored or whatever then you should do it, even if it is expensive.

Unfortunately I jist cant afford it. I racked up a crazy amount of debt before I met my partner trying to afford it because it was the only thing I have ever enjoyed and it kept me calm.

But unless something drastically changed in our life and finances it just isn't going to be an option. Horse costs are very expensive, i realised it is only for the very well off.

I would love too. But honestly unless we had an extra 40-50k a year coming in and no childcare costs it just wouldnt be feasible. I accepted if I wanted kids I couldnt have both.

Oh of course having a horse again would make me extremely happy. Being alone on a horse is the most theraputic thing but I chose to have kids and I knew I could never afford both!

@Karma1387

what about volunteering at a stables? As opposed to having your own horse, and then you can avoid all the costs associated with horse ownership. But you get to be around horses and ride still

I'm okay showing interest in things DS enjoys to do.

Prentending to not mind idle chit chat with other adults I am not so good with. The no eye contact and itching tends to make it very obvious I am uncomfortable with people.

But you don’t have to keep your own horse to enjoy it no?

It involves too much social involvement which takes away the peace and calm I enjoy about horses. I also couldn't do the sort of hours required for volunterring in a stables even if I could cope with the social aspect. Most stables need help mornings, late afternoons or weekends. None of which I could commit to with the kids.

But honestly having to talk to people or work with other people would suck the enjoyment out of horses for me.

Even lessons are £60 for less than an hour and I don't get the same enjoyment out of lessons as it invokves someone else and makes me feel uncomfortable. I enjoy horses as I enjoy the solitide of it and doing my own thing with them.

If one of your children likes team sports which one of you is going to stand in the rain on the sidelines with the other parents? If your little one gets invited to a birthday party and they are too young to be just dropped off, who will stay with them?

If your partner automatically falls asleep if sitting on the floor when supposedly interacting with his child, what happens if he has a break at work does he just fall asleep? Not sure I would be happy with him driving. What happens if stuck in a traffic jam?