DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

My partner works the whole weekend. So I have the kids.

@Karma1387

do you have any family who could look after them for a couple of hours for you?

This! You know what will help my disinterested husband to become interested in his one child… another child! Sorry, I do feel for you OP but this situation is just going to get worse with another child. Hopefully your partner will get some help and wise up otherwise you are in for a tough ride.

My dad couldnt commit to it and wouldn't cope with 2 on his own especially not a baby. We visit him but I wouldn't leave the kids on their own with him.

I have no issue being the main parent. My partner only gets 1 day I just want that day to be used well. But hes communicating with me so I think we will get there.

I think you need to just push yourself to be a bit more open and friendly with other parents or your children will be left out.

Most parents aren't happy for their primary school aged children to go on playdates to other children's homes unless they know the other child's parent and when the kids are young a parent is usually expected to come along too. I can't see how that would work for you the way things are now.

Sending your kids to clubs isn't the same as having unstructured playdates and friends you can confide in, it's basically just a different version of school. It will hold them back because they don't get to see natural friendships that their parents have and they are not going to be able to form natural friendships themselves. These young years are so hugely formative and you are keeping their world so incredibly small.

I just don't know how. People tried to have conversations with me when I went to baby groups but I just don't know what to say and it makes me stressed and anxious.

I do understand your point I'm just not sure if its something I can fix.

Obviously if you have a horse which is stabled and you use livery it's incredibly expensive- but that's not the only way of doing it. Not all equines are stabled, having a horse/pony which lives in a field is much, much cheaper-even if you pay rent for the field- it's more work , but that's the point isn't it.
I don't really see the social aspect as a downside to working on a yard, mostly you are working, not socialising- it sounds as if your commitment to riding does not stretch to doing any work,so you either want a horse in livery or to take riding lessons, both of which are expensive and you definitely can't afford.

When I say livery I mean DIY not part or full. I have no issue spending time with my own horse mucking out, grooming etc is my idea of heaven! I just prefer the breeds that are stabled and I would always need an arena as I don't hack.

Working for someone else with their expectations and riding their horse to me is very stressful and not at all what I enjoy personally about horses.

I may be able to have horses again one day but my priority at the moment is my family and my kids financial future.

How do you manage at work @Karma1387 Do you have to communicate with other people?

Could your partner take your DC to something on his day off

In my current part time job no I work my aisle and thats pretty much it.

In my manager role before DS. I had very brief polite words with customers and I would give instructions to my staff or discuss stuff with my boss if needed but I didnt have to make conversation.

You either basically mimic what other people do and try it or you get help from a therapist, which I think is the better option. I understand that it is an anxiety based issue but anxiety can be managed. It will be exhausting for you to force yourself through this, but given that both you and your DP are the same you are definitely going to pass this on to your children. They won't just become social, confident and outgoing people by themselves, you and their dad are their role models and you both sound very reclusive. Part of it is also to have hobbies and interests as others have mentioned, without a life outside of your children you will have nothing of interest to talk to people about.

I have tried Therapy a few times and unfortunately its never helped.

I'm not sure how to mimic people if you don't know what to talk about. I can't imagine people just talking about the weather.

The most I have ever managed with another mum is my sons name and age 😕

@Karma1387

what about when you were at college, uni, etc?

I attempted uni twice. Both times i left after a month as I couldnt cope.

College i think I had 1 'friend' i saw at college but didnt really do a stuff outside of college. A tiny bit of clubbing after college but not a lot.

I haven't ever done group activities, clubs or sports or anything. Well not since i was very young.

You have caused this situation. By you insisting on giving up your career so you could spend more time with your son, it’s meant your partner has had to work overnight, only get one day off and now you spend your time criticizing how he spends that small amount of time? Holy moly.

Firstly, it’s good for kids to play independently - if anything more independence and less structured play helps them to develop healthy coping skills and not be clingy.

Secondly, not every parent does things the same way. My dad wasn’t the ‘play’ type but we had a blast going for walks, and even mundane things like going to the shops. I love him dearly, and so does his granddaughter who he also doesn’t really ‘play’ with (but she helps him water the garden and things like that).

Thirdly, referring constantly to ‘my’ instead of ‘our’ son speaks volumes on how you see the relationship- it certainly sounds like you’d benefit don’t really care about your partner beyond his baby making apparatus.

So to start with I gave up my career as we couldn't get childcare to cover the sort of hours we both worked! Secondly my partner DID NOT move onto nights to make up the shortfall in the loss of my wage. He had to take a demotion due to losing his driving licence from falling asleep at the wheel and crashing and the only vacancy commutable from home by public transport was nights!

I adore my partner and love him very much. Not because of his baby making abilities! Yes I probably need to let them find their own way and build their own relationship without my interference.

You need to try therapy again surely. You've decided to have two children and you can't now just say we'll providing my children with a normal childhood where they see their parents living full lives is too hard.

It was only a year ago I tried it. I dont think the NHS is going to agree to another load of therapy when a year ago it was completely unsuccessful.

@Karma1387

what about anti anxiety medication?

They have given me those over the years too. They always just make me worse and make me feel ill.

Ive suffered with depression/anxiety since a teen. Ive done the therapy, the medication. Even tried hypnotherapy which I think is mumbo jumbo! Nothing has ever worked. I learnt to be able to function enough to work but I haven't ever got to the ability to make friends or do activities especially on my own.

It's a bit late in the day to be realising that DH isn't very child friendly and to be having a second child so soon when his health is suffering and he's working nights seems like you need to take the blinkers off.

Is DH involved in feeding & changing DS, bathing him & doing bedtime stories? He needs to be able to do everything you do if you want this to work. He can't just sit on the settee needing prompting, that's like having another child.

He might be depressed because his life is in turmoil and maybe he's agreed to what you want & hoping the fairy god mother will come along.

I found out the hard way, married someone & thought becoming a father was what he wanted as much as I did becoming a mum. Turns out he was just going along with it - he never said as much he just took it out on me & DD. It didn't end well.

A good friend of mine who has 3 sons had no hobbies she was interested in at the time but used to pretend she had a class every Thurs for an hour to show the boys mammies werent just mammies and also to force her husband to be home on time and do something round the house!!! She sat in the car and relaxed for the hour. She was too worn out to think of any outside interests at the time, she had almost forgotten who she was. That hour helped, and she did join a mum's football team later on

He does feeding changing etc on his 1 day off with him although I sometimes step since I have been on maternity as DS is very very difficult to get undressed and redressed.

He has done bathtime since I got pregnant as I couldn't cope leaning over the bath.

Bedtime I do the stories as its part of mine and DS routine which I don't want to ruin. It took a long time to get the routine.

His health seemed okay back when we got pregnant. It seems to have started declining the last few months.

A good friend of mine who has 3 sons had no hobbies she was interested in at the time but used to pretend she had a class every Thurs for an hour to show the boys mammies werent just mammies and also to force her husband to be home on time and do something round the house!!! She sat in the car and relaxed for the hour. She was too worn out to think of any outside interests at the time, she had almost forgotten who she was. That hour helped, and she did join a mum's football team later on