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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just isn't interested in DS

581 replies

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:31

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:46

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 06:36

I think the having a life outside kids becomes more important when kids are older which is why I wouldn't be worried now. Little kids just need love and attention. It's when they get older that they benefit more from this sort of thing.

But why would me having a life benefit them when they get older. They will have their own lives when they are older. They arent going to care what I am doing surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:52

sparrowhawkhere · 08/02/2026 06:43

A few things
You said he was too big for a play centre, is he very overweight and that’s why he’s so exhausted?

You need to get him more involved in practical tasks with your son because if you’re kept in longer than you think it’ll be a shock for your son

Call him ‘our son’ the fact you call him ‘my son’ even when talking about your partner adds to how separate you sound as parents. He’s not going to feel involved if you keep saying ‘my son’

I mean I assume he is too big for a soft play (they dont technically state a limit) but as it technically says adults arent allowed in the play frame (althouhh during the daytime sessioms parents do) i have assumed he weighs too much. I dont think his weight helps his tiredness. He has lost around 2 stone in the last year so he is trying but he find it very very hard.

I am of course hoping I will only be in the 1 night and worst case my partner can cosleep with DS if he wont settle. If I am in for longer thats a slightly different issue but my partner is capable of coping. I just prefer to keep our routine with bedtimes as it took me a long time to get them to where they are now.

Calling him my son is a bad habit of mine but I do it with everything. My car (car is partners not mine technically), my shopping. Its just a bad habit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:53

axolotlfloof · 08/02/2026 06:51

Encourage him to take your son out more.
It's harder to nor be engaged then.
Many men prefer children to babies so it will also probably improve with time.

Yeah I will encourage them to go out on their day together.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 08:54

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:46

But why would me having a life benefit them when they get older. They will have their own lives when they are older. They arent going to care what I am doing surely?

Show quote history

But don't you want them to spend time with you as adults beyond duty visits? Don't you want to encourage them to have their own meaningful lives? I'm sorry but children really do benefit from modelling by their parents and they have one that just sleeps most of the time and one that doesn't seem to want to do anything.

Do you think that you could be depressed yourself?

Minglingpringle · 08/02/2026 08:56

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 23:03

Hes always willing to give love. We have a very cuddly kissy little boy and he loves snuggling up with him.

I probably do out too much pressure for him to be super fun and engaging. I think its because they get so little time I feel it has to be super full on but perhaps I am making it more of an issue than it needs to be!

Show quote history

That sounds great.

But do you think he gives him enough attention? Does he ever seek the child out? Or does he just react lovingly when the child seeks him out?

If he’s on his phone a lot it makes it hard to be present.

Your poor husband sounds like he’s in a terrible state and there may well be lots that he’s not capable of. But the most important thing is that the child knows his father values him and seeks out his company. And is kind to him and involved in his life. When the child is grown, he will be able to forgive all the rest, but that is what will affect his self-esteem.

A quiet life is totally fine if that’s how things end up. A cold, distant father is not.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 08:57

GreenGodiva · 08/02/2026 07:19

Has he actually checked his cpap app to see what hood scores and events are like? If my score is low due to illness or insomnia etc I really struggle to interact and function. It’s not just monitoring the app but also the machine is set to his weight and neck size from a whole year ago….. could he have gained weight? Lost weight? If hood score is low through non compliance /removing/not using the cpap or if his weight has altered by more than a few lb then this can all affect it. Weight changes often need a pressure change and if is more than a stone often a new sleep study. If it’s a resmed machine go to the MyAir app on his phone, total score and look at that. Mine is per much always above 95% and you want AHI/events to be below 4-5 per hour to be classed as compliant.

as somebody who has severe sleep apnea I can’t even imagine trying to juggle the cpap and working nights at the same time. It would absolutely destroy me no doubt.

His machine doesnt have an app? We can check the pressure whilst he is asleep and after i think on the machine. I check him through the day whilst he sleeps and the pressure always looks good.

He has lost 2 stone since he got the machine a year ago. Is it normal to not have follow ups?

Sleep apnea and nights really arent a good combo I agree. The sleep patterns are hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:00

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 07:51

I think if the parent-child relationship is going to endure beyond the stage where the child needs looking after it helps a lot when the parent has something else in their life to give them a personality beyond being a parent.

I've always connected better with family members that have some sort of hobby or interest, doesn't have to be an interest that I share but I think it's hard to connect with someone that doesn't have this. I don't think you should force yourself but longer term I'd be questioning what's keeping you this way as it's not healthy.

My partner has interests. He loves planes (has taken DS to the airfield), he loves computer games and also building computers. He cant wait to build model planes and computers with DS.

I on the other hand dont have any hobbies or interests. Its just not something I have ever had besides riding which I cant do anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:02

whatsit84 · 08/02/2026 08:29

My own DH has always been very invested, but I see men who don’t seem to be that engaged with smaller children and have pulled it back somewhat when they were older. How about drawing on a big sheet of paper together, taking DC along on errands to the shops etc, ‘helping’ with household tasks? Mine are 7 and 9 and I’m not brilliant at unstructured type play, but manage it for their sake.

We dont tend to do errands (we shop online or partner after work) but we both need to let him help more with general household tasks.

My partner did spend his dad off this week trying to make downstairs a bit safer and accessable so we can start to let him help us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:06

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/02/2026 08:38

I picked up on this and was going to say the same

it’s always my som

its our son

start making changes now if able to. Let partner put son to bed if fits in with working nights

letting a toddler control
you and what you do isn’t good

ie with the car seats. No mummy is staying in house. Daddy is putting you in the car

will you go back to work after ml?

you aren’t getting married till a date is set - which it isn’t if you say getting married this year or next so book a date

And partner look for a day time job

Show quote history

I do need to try to say our son I have to admit.

The bedtime part is harder for me as its taken me so long to get him to sleep without me I don't want to ruin it especially with a baby.

The car is the only thing with my toddler I am super soft with. I don't like sending him to nursery upset but I know I am making a rod for my own back.

I will go back after maternity. I just do 2 nights on the nights he doesnt work.

At the moment we cant afford for him to move onto days but it is something we want to do once we can afford it.

OP posts:
EmilyMay89 · 08/02/2026 09:09

@Karma1387 I found my partner has come into his element now our son is 3 and can interact more. But he did really try and thinks of activities for them to do. Play doh is a big winner over here along with magnatiles.

But honestly you sound like you need to let go a bit. Referring to him as your son, you have to do bedtimes, nap times, putting him in the car. What if you are in hospital again for a period of time? Or even the one night you would stay for a c section? Perhaps your partner finds it hard to understand where he fits in. I could imagine if he was playing or doing something in his way, you might tell him how to do it. Everyone parents differently and it sounds like you make lots of excuses for him, but you don’t like that he doesn’t parent the same as you and your dad.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:14

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 08:54

But don't you want them to spend time with you as adults beyond duty visits? Don't you want to encourage them to have their own meaningful lives? I'm sorry but children really do benefit from modelling by their parents and they have one that just sleeps most of the time and one that doesn't seem to want to do anything.

Do you think that you could be depressed yourself?

Show quote history

Of course I want them to spend time with me but I don't understand what that has to do with me having hobbies. I assume I will take an interest in their hobbies and do activities with them as they grow up which may be something we end uo enjoying doing together.

How does me having my own hobbies impact the kids spending time with me when they are adults? Surely me taking an interest in their hobbies is the important part?

As for depression I have had it on and off throughout my life since a teen. I don't feel depressed at all in the last 3 years since DS was conceived.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:17

Minglingpringle · 08/02/2026 08:56

That sounds great.

But do you think he gives him enough attention? Does he ever seek the child out? Or does he just react lovingly when the child seeks him out?

If he’s on his phone a lot it makes it hard to be present.

Your poor husband sounds like he’s in a terrible state and there may well be lots that he’s not capable of. But the most important thing is that the child knows his father values him and seeks out his company. And is kind to him and involved in his life. When the child is grown, he will be able to forgive all the rest, but that is what will affect his self-esteem.

A quiet life is totally fine if that’s how things end up. A cold, distant father is not.

Show quote history

He spends his whole day off with DS. They are always together. That may involve a bit of being on his phone reading if DS is playing independently. But he will put it down if DS brings him something to read or play with or if he wants to snuggle.

I think he needs to put a bit more effort into taking DS out to build their quality time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:18

EmilyMay89 · 08/02/2026 09:09

@Karma1387 I found my partner has come into his element now our son is 3 and can interact more. But he did really try and thinks of activities for them to do. Play doh is a big winner over here along with magnatiles.

But honestly you sound like you need to let go a bit. Referring to him as your son, you have to do bedtimes, nap times, putting him in the car. What if you are in hospital again for a period of time? Or even the one night you would stay for a c section? Perhaps your partner finds it hard to understand where he fits in. I could imagine if he was playing or doing something in his way, you might tell him how to do it. Everyone parents differently and it sounds like you make lots of excuses for him, but you don’t like that he doesn’t parent the same as you and your dad.

I am wondering if I interfer too much and its puts my partner on edge and makes him more awkward and resistant.

OP posts:
Scottishdriver · 08/02/2026 09:22

Do you go to any toddler groups or classes? If your kids are your only interest you may find other parents make valuable friends. Build your village, and this also creates friends for your DC. My DD9’s best friend has been her friend since toddler group, and her mum became one of my BFFs too. It means it’s no bother to arrange stuff for the two of them as we are happy to hang out too. Also means we can rely on each other when we need lifts/childcare/anything really.

i have massive social anxiety so I find all that stuff hard and it seems really high risk. But it is high reward too, and your kids will need you to help build their circle in the early years. Not least because then you can happily let them go to play dates as you know the parents well.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 09:23

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:14

Of course I want them to spend time with me but I don't understand what that has to do with me having hobbies. I assume I will take an interest in their hobbies and do activities with them as they grow up which may be something we end uo enjoying doing together.

How does me having my own hobbies impact the kids spending time with me when they are adults? Surely me taking an interest in their hobbies is the important part?

As for depression I have had it on and off throughout my life since a teen. I don't feel depressed at all in the last 3 years since DS was conceived.

Show quote history

I'm sorry if this sounds unkind but most people struggle to connect with or spend time with adults that don't have any interests or visible personality. You see this quite frequently on threads about elderly parents.

Owly11 · 08/02/2026 09:26

You need to stop interfering in your partner's relationship with his son and stop expecting him to be like you. What are you anxious about? You need to work on your own anxiety and leave him alone. You are massively projecting something onto your partner here probably from your own past.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:29

Scottishdriver · 08/02/2026 09:22

Do you go to any toddler groups or classes? If your kids are your only interest you may find other parents make valuable friends. Build your village, and this also creates friends for your DC. My DD9’s best friend has been her friend since toddler group, and her mum became one of my BFFs too. It means it’s no bother to arrange stuff for the two of them as we are happy to hang out too. Also means we can rely on each other when we need lifts/childcare/anything really.

i have massive social anxiety so I find all that stuff hard and it seems really high risk. But it is high reward too, and your kids will need you to help build their circle in the early years. Not least because then you can happily let them go to play dates as you know the parents well.

Edited

I have tried them but I absolutely hated them. Mums trying to chat to me and all gathering together and me trying to keep an eye on DS. It was my idea of hell.

I couldn't relax and I think that just made DS stressed. Thats why I let him go to nursery so he gets the social time and he adores nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:32

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 09:23

I'm sorry if this sounds unkind but most people struggle to connect with or spend time with adults that don't have any interests or visible personality. You see this quite frequently on threads about elderly parents.

Show quote history

But would pretending be any different. If ai made myself I dont know go to the gym but didnt actually enjoy it how is that beneficial? Besides me spending time and money on something I don't care for?

If I had things I wanted to do 100% I would do them as then I could encourage my kids to do it with me but there isnt anything I have an interst in doing on a general week.

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 09:50

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 06:36

I think the having a life outside kids becomes more important when kids are older which is why I wouldn't be worried now. Little kids just need love and attention. It's when they get older that they benefit more from this sort of thing.

@WhatNoRaisins

its not all about whether it benefits the kids. It would benefit OP and that’s important too. It’s not healthy to have no life, interests, friends etc beyond your children however old they are

Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:51

Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 09:50

@WhatNoRaisins

its not all about whether it benefits the kids. It would benefit OP and that’s important too. It’s not healthy to have no life, interests, friends etc beyond your children however old they are

Show quote history

And what if you just don't have interests, hobbies or friends?

You cant really force yourself to enjoy things?

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 09:52

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:32

But would pretending be any different. If ai made myself I dont know go to the gym but didnt actually enjoy it how is that beneficial? Besides me spending time and money on something I don't care for?

If I had things I wanted to do 100% I would do them as then I could encourage my kids to do it with me but there isnt anything I have an interst in doing on a general week.

Show quote history

@Karma1387

lots of people don’t really enjoy the gym but they still go regularly. Becuase exercise is crucial. So they still go. It’s not all about whether you enjoy it, it’s about what your body and mind need.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:56

Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 09:52

@Karma1387

lots of people don’t really enjoy the gym but they still go regularly. Becuase exercise is crucial. So they still go. It’s not all about whether you enjoy it, it’s about what your body and mind need.

Show quote history

But that doesnt make it a hobby or interest? That makes it an obligation because you need to get fitter?

Going and doing exercise isnt really what I would call a hobby or interest unless you actually get enjoyment from it of course!

I just don't understand making yourself do things you dont enjoy (with the exception of eating and woorking if you need the money as those are essential to function/have a life) I can't see how thats a good example to kids.

OP posts:
Laurmolonlabe · 08/02/2026 10:05

It's no use nagging him, or having more children thinking he will bond with them- some people are just not into children- you just have to hope he will be mor interested when they are older-but you can't force interest, it's there or it's not.

Cherrytree86 · 08/02/2026 10:15

Karma1387 · 08/02/2026 09:56

But that doesnt make it a hobby or interest? That makes it an obligation because you need to get fitter?

Going and doing exercise isnt really what I would call a hobby or interest unless you actually get enjoyment from it of course!

I just don't understand making yourself do things you dont enjoy (with the exception of eating and woorking if you need the money as those are essential to function/have a life) I can't see how thats a good example to kids.

Show quote history

@Karma1387

yeah ok it’s an obligation. Exercise…Something we all need to do including you and your husband, especially him if he’s overweight. So make time for yourselves and go! You never know you might discover weight lifting or particular classes etc that you do enjoy! You can’t really say you don’t enjoy stuff if you don’t actually try them. Your body and mind this stuff OP, being a mummy isn’t enough.

Goldwren1923 · 08/02/2026 10:21

I actually have a ton of interests but I also dreaded going to playgroups because of this super dull superficial chitchat.

but I managed to find some friends with whom I feel at ease and not unnatural and we enjoy our conversations beyond the kids. It also helps practicing the skills necessary for school where you’d have to interact with parents if you want play dates for your child and some parents can be dull as F (and I’m sure they think the same about me, I don’t mind!) But our kids are friends sooo…. I can be nice and polite

OP do you have friends at all or you are not particularly interested in friendship either?