DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Wait so he is asleep for breakfast, nap times, and bed time? When is he awake? He will never bond with his child if he is asleep all the time. It's not going to magically happen. He needs to drop a day and you pick up an extra day to even it out.

You sound like you are making excuses for him. He can attend playgroups, taking him swimming (not lessons) too big for soft pay? What about the park? He needs to figure it out.

He does sound exhausted, depressed and having had no positive role models.

You sound like a loving wife and mother and I think things can change.

Can you think of a hobby they could do together?

Have you had a heart to heart and told him your concerns over the bond

Might be the case. Certainly was with me.
I grew up fitting around adult’s lives while they were doing adult things. Not a single adult (apart from nursery teachers, etc) would play and for me that was normal- only kids play with kids.
we hired a nanny and when I first saw her engaging with my child I found it a bit strange. Took me a while to get used to it and be able to play with a little child.

So you're happy to be a dogs body and martyr yourself? While he gets to do fuck all. Well I hope it all works out for you because you'll never leave him,you're already defending him . Good luck you'll need it

My DH had quite old and very old fashioned parents who didn't play. He was also an only child and is on the autistic spectrum.

His parents are very lovely loving people, they did lots of activities with him but didn't play. They're giddy with love for my DC but watching them try to play is hilarious, they just present an object and try to engage in adult conversation about it.

Unsurprisingly, my DH also doesn't play and isn't playful. He does try and he has found it much easier now our DC can talk.

I'm the total opposite (and not my first DC) so our child does prefer spending time with me, but also loves my DH very much too.

I don't think it's as abnormal as it's made out to be that men sometimes find it hard to let go and play, especially with a child under 3 who can't talk back. My DH needs an activity, park etc. He also needs me not to be there. Mainly though he just needed our DC to be older and able to talk.

My DC turned out to be Orchestrator of the Known Universe once they could talk enough to make their commands understood, so my DH just gets told what to do in very specific terms now to play.

I also really recognise that this DC plays much less than my older one. I've played equally with both but my younger is much more into helping me with domestic tasks or drawing, whereas my oldest was massively into imaginative play. So I think some people are just less naturally playful than others

I think the having a life outside kids becomes more important when kids are older which is why I wouldn't be worried now. Little kids just need love and attention. It's when they get older that they benefit more from this sort of thing.

A few things
You said he was too big for a play centre, is he very overweight and that’s why he’s so exhausted?

You need to get him more involved in practical tasks with your son because if you’re kept in longer than you think it’ll be a shock for your son

Call him ‘our son’ the fact you call him ‘my son’ even when talking about your partner adds to how separate you sound as parents. He’s not going to feel involved if you keep saying ‘my son’

Encourage him to take your son out more.
It's harder to nor be engaged then.
Many men prefer children to babies so it will also probably improve with time.

I think you do have to learn to play.
Playing pretend games, doing crafts and making up games comes fairly easily to me and my partner but we both had parents that did the same. So we did get taught how to do it.
When I'm pretending to shop a dragon out for under the table I remind myself of my dad.
We've got friends who honestly don't know how to play, some might be good at specific thing like crafts or building Leg but pretend games in particular you need to learn I think.

Has he actually checked his cpap app to see what hood scores and events are like? If my score is low due to illness or insomnia etc I really struggle to interact and function. It’s not just monitoring the app but also the machine is set to his weight and neck size from a whole year ago….. could he have gained weight? Lost weight? If hood score is low through non compliance /removing/not using the cpap or if his weight has altered by more than a few lb then this can all affect it. Weight changes often need a pressure change and if is more than a stone often a new sleep study. If it’s a resmed machine go to the MyAir app on his phone, total score and look at that. Mine is per much always above 95% and you want AHI/events to be below 4-5 per hour to be classed as compliant.

as somebody who has severe sleep apnea I can’t even imagine trying to juggle the cpap and working nights at the same time. It would absolutely destroy me no doubt.

I think its more if they have hobbies then yeah amazing try to continue post kids. But some suggestions have made it sound like I should pretend to have hobbies or force myself to have hobbies otherwise I'm nod 'modelling well' for them.

I think if the parent-child relationship is going to endure beyond the stage where the child needs looking after it helps a lot when the parent has something else in their life to give them a personality beyond being a parent.

I've always connected better with family members that have some sort of hobby or interest, doesn't have to be an interest that I share but I think it's hard to connect with someone that doesn't have this. I don't think you should force yourself but longer term I'd be questioning what's keeping you this way as it's not healthy.

I'm not sure I view it as unusual neither of us really have friends. I was never going to be attracted to a auoer social person as I'm not social.

I didn't have friends pre my relationship or kids so why would I suddenly need them if we separated?

I wouldn't even know were to start to find a hobby that I actually enjoyed which didn't involve other people.

People are talking about me having a social life and hobbies outside of my kids. I'm not sure what benefit that has for my kids?

No I don't have a large close family. I have siblings but I dont really see them. I have my dad I try to see once a week or fortnightly for a few hours. My mother takes my son out every 2 weeks but this will be changing to once a month. Thats about it for my family.

I wont diacourage my kids from having friends and I know they will end up going to birthday parties etc and possibly wanting friends over. I will allow all that but not sure about creating a circle. I will involve myself where needed.

My intention is to continue with bedtime and naptime after c section. We have a routine that works and I dont want to risk ruining it.

He was very depressed and hadnt had his sleep apnea diagnosis in DS first year of life so he didnt learn anything that year, he was surviving.

He has improved a lot in the last year compared to the first. I think he just needs more practice and for me to be less hovering!

Because thats what we wanted. Things were a bit better around the time I got pregnant with DC2 and I wanted a reasonably close age gap.

My own DH has always been very invested, but I see men who don’t seem to be that engaged with smaller children and have pulled it back somewhat when they were older. How about drawing on a big sheet of paper together, taking DC along on errands to the shops etc, ‘helping’ with household tasks? Mine are 7 and 9 and I’m not brilliant at unstructured type play, but manage it for their sake.

My son is just a habit of me saying. I used tonsay my dog or my car (even though the car is actually my partners)

He works 5 but he only has 1 'proper' day off. After his last shift he sleeps (ds is at nursery anyway) and then the day he is back at work he has to sleep before his shift (ds is also at nursery on that day)

Unfortunately me going back to full time work isnt an option as the chikdcare costs mean I bring home less than I earn part time which means we dont have enough money to pay the bills especially of he took a 8-10k paycut too!

But getting him off nights is the long term goal if we dont find a different reason for him still being more tired than I would consider normal.

I csn't answer that. Before having DC2 we sat down and talked about it and if we wanted a second yet and he agreed he was happy to have a second now.

A few people have pointed out he may not have a playful side but that doesn't mean he cant be involved and have a relationship. I clearly need to encourage them to find their own system and way that isnt how I view it should be.

I picked up on this and was going to say the same

it’s always my som

its our son

start making changes now if able to. Let partner put son to bed if fits in with working nights

letting a toddler control
you and what you do isn’t good

ie with the car seats. No mummy is staying in house. Daddy is putting you in the car

will you go back to work after ml?

you aren’t getting married till a date is set - which it isn’t if you say getting married this year or next so book a date

And partner look for a day time job

He is at work during wake up and breakfast time we are usually 2 hours into our day by the time he gets home. And then always asleep for naptime. He varies with bedtime. It all depends on how DS day has gone and how much he has napped. Sometimes hes in bed by 6.30 in which case partner doesnt get to see him. Othertimes DS has a long nap and doesnt sleep until 9 so partner gets a bit of time in the evening and does bath time.

I am working on a hobby for them to do. He is going to try the general swimming pool instead of lessons to see if he enjoys that a bit more.

Hes also going to stay up a bit and take him to toddler football on a weekend morning.

We have had a few chats and I can see he is trying. I can also see how shattered he looks both mentally and physically so I am trying to help.