DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Of course. I hope my kids are nothing like me. But I dont think lying to them and pretending to enjoy doing things on my own is the right thing either?

Shouldnt we teach them that everyone is different?

I get being different but I think this is modelling that kids really benefit from. There's other potential people like family members or a passionate teacher though.

Agreed. What kids actually benefit from most is parents who are present - both physically and emotionally.

But I don't understand what I should be modelling? What does me going and lets say going to the gym for the sake of going even though I don't enjoy it. What is that modelling for my kids?

I would think taking an interest in their hobbies and activities is the important part? Not pretending to be someone i'm not.

Are you sure that's not just you having hope over experience?

How did you meet your DH and have you noticed any similarities between you?

Does he have friends and a social life?

Honestly no. Its clear how much he loves him when he relaxes and enjoys being with him. I just dont think 1 day a week gives them a lot of time to build the bond.

Perhaps 6 weeks will actually do them some good and help them get a better bond. Watching my son tonight kissing his dad and jumping off the sofa onto his back and then having bath time together. I can see the love it just needs work to be more consistant I think.

We met at work. Neither of us are very sociable so we are very similar.

No he doesn't have any friends (plus we moved away from where he grew up when I was pregnant with DS) and no social life although he does play online games talking to people on his day off whilst DS is napping or once hes in bed depending on how well he has slept. I think unlike me he was sociable when he was a young adult though. He went to university and enjoyed going out and did sports clubs. He just isnt as sociable now and doesn't really have the time.

He only gets 1 day off so that is spent with DS.

Absolutely OP. Young kids don't give a shit what you are doing when you aren't with them. They just want to know when you will be home. Their world revolves around themselves at those ages. The only thing that actually matters to them is you being present, physically and emotionally for them.

Thank you. I was starting to wonder if I was a bit crazy and needed to pretend to have a social life that doesnt exist.

Can i ask you something? Are you honestly happy? I dont hear much if any joy in your posts! Your husband doesnt sound physically or mentally healthy! The fact that you were happy to have a second child in this environment is also not healthy. It sounds as if your both inabiling each other.
Do you go out much? Take the child out? See family? I know you have said you dont have friends.

We have our stresses like most families but yes I would say I am happy. Its been a rough 9 months of pregnancy so I haven't got out as much as I would have liked.

My son goes to nursery 3 days a week. We used to go to the park pre pregnancy unfortunatley not much else as I didnt get my driviny licence back until July and I was pregnant and suffering by that point. My partner took him out generally on his day off over the summer and they tried swimming over the winter.

I see my dad usually once a week maybe every other week for a couple of hours at his house. My mother takes my son out every other weekend although that will be changing to once a month soon.

Me and my partner didnt really see eachother prior to me going in maternity leave as I worked the 2 nights he doesnt. But we are relativeky happy. Or as happy as I think I have ever been. My son is my whole world and I am praying I don't have a seizure during this c section so me, DS and baby can enjoy getting to go and do some stuff I couldn't do with him when I couldn't drive. And enjoy some family time on partners day off. We have less than a year of getting a day together so I want to make the most of it.

He doesn’t need to be some stereotypical “fun dad”. Maybe the pressure to perform is making him feel self-conscious.

What he needs to do is show his child as much LOVE and ATTENTION as he can.

Tell him to always treat his child as if he finds him really interesting and lovable. (Hopefully he would actually feel that way in reality too. Or maybe that might follow.) It doesn’t matter if he’s quiet or serious. If he just does that, he will be meeting his child’s needs.

Hes always willing to give love. We have a very cuddly kissy little boy and he loves snuggling up with him.

I probably do out too much pressure for him to be super fun and engaging. I think its because they get so little time I feel it has to be super full on but perhaps I am making it more of an issue than it needs to be!

I haven't read the whole thread only about half, but I actually think you're getting quite an unfair bashing here from a lot of posters.

Your partner sounds utterly exhausted. I think he needs to see a GP ASAP for bloods etc, and also to have a follow up with the sleep clinic. Sleep Apnoea can be devastating, even with CPAP, and he may well still be suffering. He really needs to stop working nights as soon as it's possible too, night shifts play havoc with many healthy people let alone someone with a sleep disorder

Regarding playing, as a few have said it doesn't come naturally to everyone. I can easily do any kind of imaginative or silly play, however my partner really struggles. He also had very hands off parents and I guess never had the example to follow. He's never done that kind of thing, but takes DS out, reads, does physical play etc. DS is 7 now and they've definitely found more common ground as he's got older. They can build Lego for hours! The main thing is your DP obviously loves his son, and I'm sure the bond will deepen given time. Like you said I'm sure things will improve with the weather when they can play outside. DP was always taking DS out on his scooter, to the playground or just for a walk to pick up sticks and other fascinating objects when he was 2 😂

@Willowywisp so parents shouldn’t have any interests or hobbies outside of their children?? Yeah, no. I couldn’t cope with that. There’s more to me than that.

@Karma1387

you must realise that it’s incredibly unusual for both you and your partner to have no friends. I mean what if you split up? What about when your kids grow up and don’t need you so much as they have their own lives? You need to create a life for yourself outside of your partner and kids- for your own sake

It's quite a small life for your children though if you don't have a social life - just seeing their parents interact with their various friends and learning more about different people, jobs and interests broadens their world. Do you have a large close family? Will you make an effort to build a circle when they are start school for playmates etc? The days of chucking kids out the front door to play with neighbours has pretty much gone so parents do have to help these days.

Your partner has you to model his behaviour against. In the last 2 years he's not picked up on any of your methods/behaviour? That's weird and makes him sound disinterested.
He'll find it hard doing the parenting when you're recovering if he's never done a bedtime or solo care before. Your child will want the comfort of mummy and that will be difficult for him to suddenly lose along with losing attention to a new sibling.

My husband also works nights and was pretty useless when the kids were really young. Once he could take them to play at the park, that became their thing and it was a lot better. They’re now 17 and 21 and are both close with their dad although it’s a very different relationship than the one they have with me and that’s fine. The important thing is that they know he loves them and cares what happens to them.

Can I ask what possessed you to have another child????

Not defending your partner - he needs a kick up the arse if you want any hope of avoiding future psychotherapy bills. You need to lay it on the line - but you don't need us to tell you that.

I do find it interesting that you refer to your child as 'my son' not 'our' son. Makes me wonder if there is another dynamic at work, on top slack-arse fatherdom.

So true! My mum was the busy, disinterested one and my dad tried his best, but could never fully compensate. I blamed myself for her lack of interest and struggled with that for a long time.

He gets one day off? So he works six nights a week?

This is not sustainable and is literally shortening his life. It is an absolutely miserable set up. It could have killed him, or another person, when he was driving, It will also be very difficult to address his weight whilst he works these shifts.

After maternity leave you will need to go back to work and he changes to days or does fewer nights. Part of ‘being there’ for your children is providing financial support for them. The price of carrying that responsibility alone is actively harming your partner.

So he's just having children to appease you. Encouragement alone won't cut it to release his 'playful side'