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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just isn't interested in DS

581 replies

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:31

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:28

Whyamiherenow · 07/02/2026 21:26

DH loves playing with and spending time with DS. I on the other hand love being outside and doing things with DS but if I have to put one more car down a garage ramp. No time for that. Different parents like different things. Maybe he needs to go outside to connect with DS more. A change of environment maybe. Also elective c sections. You will be able to be more active than you think if all goes well.

I think there will have to be lots of outdoor play for both their sakes!

OP posts:
Whettlettuce · 07/02/2026 21:29

It will never get better op. I divorced after 15 years. My kids are affected from the emotional neglect from him. They have no relationship with him really. You'll end up resentful of him because you'll be doing everything . Leave as soon as you can

Willowywisp · 07/02/2026 21:31

Sorry to say it but I suspect you will have to be doing most of the stuff for you toddler AND baby after your c section. He's highly unlikely to step up - much more likely to be the opposite. My ex was the same and I left him because he was such a shit dad. Since then he hardly bothers at all and sees our child a few times a year at most.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:31

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:26

How did you ever meet him if you didn't go anywhere or do anything. That sounds rather worrying to me but I suppose if you are happy....

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We met at work. He helped me gain the confidence to move up in my job. Ive never done the social thing. I used to have horses but a crap tone of debt later made me realise that its really only for the well off and I could never afford it with kids!

I haven't ever known any different. Haven't had friends in many many years so I dont really have anything to miss or be unhappy about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:33

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 21:27

Yes, depression will cause issues with sleep/sleepiness. Will he see anyone about that?

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He has already put a request in this evening to go back on his medication so hopefully they approve it. Although they may want to see him first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:35

Whettlettuce · 07/02/2026 21:29

It will never get better op. I divorced after 15 years. My kids are affected from the emotional neglect from him. They have no relationship with him really. You'll end up resentful of him because you'll be doing everything . Leave as soon as you can

I have no issue with doing everything. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. I gave uo my career and I am the main career.

Hes already made steps tonight to try and fix things and acknowledged there is an issue so I think he deserves the benefit of time.

I think I am just hormonal, emotional and stressed.

OP posts:
NaiceBalonz · 07/02/2026 21:37

Christ, you picked a good one there.

Agree with the myriad of other people - he'll never change. Shit dads are shit dads.

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 21:38

Good luck. I hope it helps.

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:42

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:31

We met at work. He helped me gain the confidence to move up in my job. Ive never done the social thing. I used to have horses but a crap tone of debt later made me realise that its really only for the well off and I could never afford it with kids!

I haven't ever known any different. Haven't had friends in many many years so I dont really have anything to miss or be unhappy about.

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Didn't you go out on dates and stuff though? The whole concept is alien to me tbh

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:46

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:42

Didn't you go out on dates and stuff though? The whole concept is alien to me tbh

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Yeah we used to go out for walks or out to eat a lot and just general hanging out watching tv.

But I wouldn't go out and do that stuff with anyone else. I don't have any friends to 'hang out' with and there isnt anything I have hobby wise that I do on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:47

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 21:42

Didn't you go out on dates and stuff though? The whole concept is alien to me tbh

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I assumed it was quite normal for people that don't have friends or massive hobbies to not really do a great deal.

The idea of going out to do something just for the sake of it sounds odd to me.

OP posts:
Nichonn · 07/02/2026 21:53

My BIL was like this, a lot of it was him feeling as though he was clueless with kids compared to how my SIL just naturally knew what to do. She got over it by suddenly becoming clueless and desperately needing his input and opinions. The time with your son after your csection unobserved by you could be all he needs to form his own parenting style and bond with him. I know its a bit pathetic but lots of praise will help if this is the case. My DH is great and very intelligent but I often feel he is just like another kid mentally. Parenting did not come naturally!!

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:00

I think as your kids get older it's worth considering what you two are modelling to your children. Kids really benefit from their parents being multi-faceted people who have their own lives and interests.

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:00

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:46

Yeah we used to go out for walks or out to eat a lot and just general hanging out watching tv.

But I wouldn't go out and do that stuff with anyone else. I don't have any friends to 'hang out' with and there isnt anything I have hobby wise that I do on my own.

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@Karma1387

Ah this is sad, OP! There’s a whole world outside of your partner and son! Do you like running; pottery; reading (book club); netball; life drawing; music; crochet; photography; gardening; women’s football, etc etc? These are all ways of developing your own personal life and meeting people. I know you said you like horses so maybe some kind of involvement with a stables? You are more than just a wife and mum - invest in yourself! 😀

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:01

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:00

I think as your kids get older it's worth considering what you two are modelling to your children. Kids really benefit from their parents being multi-faceted people who have their own lives and interests.

Possibly thats true. But I dont think pretending to have interests is the best thing for kids either surely?

You can force yourself to have hobbies. You either enjoy things or you dont?

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:01

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 21:47

I assumed it was quite normal for people that don't have friends or massive hobbies to not really do a great deal.

The idea of going out to do something just for the sake of it sounds odd to me.

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@Karma1387

going out for the sake of going out, is alien to you…eh?!

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:02

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:01

Possibly thats true. But I dont think pretending to have interests is the best thing for kids either surely?

You can force yourself to have hobbies. You either enjoy things or you dont?

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@Karma1387

There must be SOMETHING that you enjoy though or are interested in?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:03

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:00

@Karma1387

Ah this is sad, OP! There’s a whole world outside of your partner and son! Do you like running; pottery; reading (book club); netball; life drawing; music; crochet; photography; gardening; women’s football, etc etc? These are all ways of developing your own personal life and meeting people. I know you said you like horses so maybe some kind of involvement with a stables? You are more than just a wife and mum - invest in yourself! 😀

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Honestly I don't like any of that. I don't like anything that involves being social (hence I like riding horses as its just me and the horse)

I haven't ever had interests with the exception of horses. I actively avoid anything that involves having to talk to other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:04

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:01

@Karma1387

going out for the sake of going out, is alien to you…eh?!

Show quote history

Well yeah. As in forcing yourself to do something you have no interest in? Why would anyone do something they arent interested in?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:06

I do get that when you have babies and young children that can take up all your energy and not leave you with much for your own needs, I get that this is unlikely to be the right point in your life to consider a hobby. It's not healthy long term though.

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 22:07

Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:04

Well yeah. As in forcing yourself to do something you have no interest in? Why would anyone do something they arent interested in?

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Well hate to break it to you but often for the sake of your kids. I'm sure the majority of parents do stuff they aren't remotely interested in for them.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:09

Cherrytree86 · 07/02/2026 22:02

@Karma1387

There must be SOMETHING that you enjoy though or are interested in?

Show quote history

Honestly no. I read some books occasionally but that doesn't require going out. I usually just read during DS naps or in the evening if I cant sleep.

Its never occured to me that it isnt common. Surely most people work full time and then are with their kids. Obviously the full time work part doesn't apply to me but yeah I haven't considered any hobbies for me especially as when maternity leave is over next year I work the 2 nights my partner doesnt so there isnt really time to do anything anyway. Unless I can find a different job but then it would be family time if we managed to have a day off together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:10

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:06

I do get that when you have babies and young children that can take up all your energy and not leave you with much for your own needs, I get that this is unlikely to be the right point in your life to consider a hobby. It's not healthy long term though.

I guess I don't feel like I am missing out if I haven't really had hobbies in the past.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2026 22:11

Don't you want your children to have some curiosity about the wider world though?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 07/02/2026 22:14

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 22:07

Well hate to break it to you but often for the sake of your kids. I'm sure the majority of parents do stuff they aren't remotely interested in for them.

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Thats different. If my kids have things they want to do then I would do it with them. Thats different to me taking myself away from my kids to do something on my own I have no interest in. I'm not sure what sort of example that is setting except this something mum does because apparently its important to do things in your personal time even if you dont have an interest?

It would be very different if it was something I wanted to do in which case its a great example to the kids that its important to make time for things that make us happy. But if I don't have that I'm not sure I should fake it?

OP posts: