AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

I did it!
I left a well paid job in London when I had my first baby (he’s now 21). I ended up doing a lot of volunteering for 5 years, then did some self-employed work for another 5 years. Then I was desperate to do something more substantial but needed school hours as my kids would not have coped with going to nursery or childcare after work.

I ended up being a TA for 10 years. I loved it. It felt vocational to me, but was very poorly paid (was on £15k after 10 years as it was term-time only pay), and was becoming increasingly hard to deal with some very bad behaviour. So I left.

I was incredibly fortunate to walk back into a role at my original employer at a higher level than I was on before - so it’s absolutely possible to return after a big gap (20 years for me).

however, in hindsight I should have left 2-3 years previously (before it got super hard)… all I am whacking loads into my pension to try to catch up a bit

This is amazing - but you must surely be the exception? I can't think of many industries where you could walk back in at an equivalent or higher level after 2 decades. Surely things move on / regs change / practices evolve?

I also think it's sad that a man who has a young child and is planning another has taken a job that gives him little time with thos children and frequently requires nights away leaving his wife as sole caregiver. It's not surprising you're feeling the strain, OP.

I think it's massively important, though, to protect your income for the future. These years when the kids are young are precious, but so are the years when they are older and will suffer if you aren't financially secure. Providing for your kids financially is a huge part of being a good parent. Don't underestimate it.

I also think prioritising your DH's job at your expense right now is likely to become a permanent thing unless you are VERY clear about how long it lasts for, his need to out in the hours with the kids and the housework when he is home so he doesn't become a distant father and husband, and what you're prepared to do. And for a lot of men, because of the way our society has been shaped over the centuries, being dominant financially seeps into how they view their family relationships.

Make sure your budget includes topping up your pension to make up for your reduced job related investment.

On the moving elsewhere idea - I would just point out that the older your kids get the better it is for them to be in London. London is a great place for kids who have passions as there are a lot of high quality clubs etc. in every interest, a fantastic place for teenagers, and a good launching pad for careers when they get that little bit older.

I agree. While the countryside is appealing, the reality for my rural and semi-rural friends was a LOT of driving.

Home Counties pricing whether Bath, Oxford, Guildford, Sevenoaks, St Albans etc is very similar to London so you’re not even getting more space for money.

A leafy London suburb as a good compromise.

I wouldn’t. I would ask your work about going part time (4 days a week)

Honestly it would make much more sense for your husband to go part time in his job or change jobs for a few years, as it is significantly lower paid than yours and very un-childcare friendly.

You are the breadwinner but having to think about picking up the kids from school, taking care of them if they are sick etc because he can’t be there.

You should have noted that in my post I made sure to mention "parents" and "people". Nowhere did I use the word "mothers". I purposely did this because I do not think childcare or going part-time should fall on the woman's shoulder automatically.

You’ve not thought this through at all. How would working in a school enable you to do drop off and pick ups? Even if your kids were in the same school you don’t finish at 3:15! And if they’re in a different school then you never make any class assemblies, shows, nativities etc.

This..dont do it..this is a really short phase you are in and even after a second it is over so fast..you need to think of the bigger picture. You will need your income and career for a lot longer than the primary school years and it sounds like you have a great job and flexibility. Hang onto it and make another plan.

As someone else has suggested I would try and drop down to a 4 day week but spread the hours over 5, so you have shorter days.
This would hopefully allow you to collect from nursery etc.
I work part time around our children, my DH works 6 days a week self employed, he earns far more than me even if I worked full time.
Now my youngest is at school I’m trying to up my hours back up to full time, it’s not so easy to increase hours once you drop them and if my DH and I were to separate (which hopefully will never happen) I would struggle, despite having a low mortgage and some savings.

I’m actually finding that it’s more beneficial to my kids to be present when they are starting their secondary school years and onwards than it was to stay home when they are toddlers. They remember nothing from being with their nanny, but they do know that I’m a lot more available now due to my career progression and having the flexibility to spend time with them. I’m not saying it’s not important to spend time with your young children but really it makes a much bigger difference to them now when I can do homework with them, when I can facilitate their friends coming over or when I can afford to pay for and take them to their hobbies, when I have time to discuss their day to day life and listen to their problems.

This. Unless you’re thinking about being a school dinner lady or a teaching assistant?

YANBU you want children and you want to be able to raise them yourself - thats the most natural and understandable thing in the world.

I'd move out of London; purchase a home where you can afford to work 3 days a week - from home is even more ideal and have some breathing space from a full on career whilst your children are young. Its cheesy but you really do not get the time back. In the overall landscape of your working life - 5 years part time will not kill all of your ambitions and hope and dreams.

My kids are 14 and 10 now. I dropped to 4 days after having my eldest and I cannot tell you the difference it made to my work life balance. I am very lucky that I really enjoy my current role, WFH 3 days and go in the office 1.

I think your idea may look appealing but would get boring and unfulfilling pretty quickly. Also the kids grow and change quickly but advancements in AI, changing work places etc could make things hard to pick up where you left off.

In your shoes I’d look to work 4 days, enjoy maximum maternity leave with a second child and then reassess. Maybe look into a sabbatical if that’s an option. Just be careful as the grass is definitely not always greener and getting back into work is likely to be challenging at a decent level.

Just because jobs pay less doesn’t mean they are necessarily easier. You could find yourself working harder for less money!

I work 3 days spread over 5, so 5 hours a day. My job needs some work every day and wouldn’t work two days away. I find I’ve just cut the faff from my days. Means I’m free for drop off and school pick up. It’s so much easier to negotiate this with a current employer but I did manage with a new job as well. Stepping into a new low paid career is not a good idea, you will never recover your earning power. Obviously if you can’t get part time then needs must but high paying jobs are much more flexible than you’d think.

You'll never regret taking a step back to spend more time with your children.
You may however regret it if you dont.

Absolutely this.
And Bath is London prices to live and a nightmare to park in. Presumably you’ll need a car with 2 kids?

We have conversations about the best thing to do for the family re my working hours regularly. To be clear, we have them about mine because I have the ability to do my job part time or flexibly, remotely etc and DHs is much more rigid in terms of hours of cover, being on site 100% etc. All about the roles, nothing to do with me being the woman.

You have to weigh up whether the money is more important or the lifestyle with you working less. And whether the two balance out.

I currently do 3 days (I earn well so it's not a small income for the reduced hours) and get to have DD home two days a week. We looked at increasing my hours but overall, although we'd be better off, it wasn't enough to give up the lifestyle we have.

In September she goes to school so my options are:

1. Stay on three days and swap nursery fees for wraparound X3, no real change to our life or income.
2. Go full time and have her in wraparound care x5 - better off financially but long busy days for everyone
3. 5 days 9-3 (or around school times) which means no wraparound needed except for the 2x a year I have to go to London, increased hours overall, so better off financially but no days off.

I'm leaning towards option 3, despite option 2 giving us a much higher income overall, because that's the lifestyle we want for DD.

Appreciate I'm very lucky to be able to consider any of these options, and that's mostly down to the company and line management. But if you have good ones too, speak to them about moving to fully remote or just in the office once a month. See what you could do with your hours.

Then weigh up what works best overall.

Stick it out. Kids grow up FAST. You need to have something for YOU, long term. Teenagers and then uni students are expensive. They also don't massively appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. It's also actually easier to work full time now, than later down the line. Nursery is 8-6, school is not.

You have a role you like which is well paid and flexible. That is gold dust. Minimum pay roles don’t allow you to wfh or take your child to the dentist (without taking holiday) or spend some time nipping out to a class Panto or whatever. They’re bloody hard graft and long hours and you’ll have zero autonomy. Nothing makes parenting harder than having an inflexible job.

And that’s before you think about living as a family of four on about £65k a year, in a hugely expensive area. You may have more time (although based on above, I don’t believe this) but you wouldn’t be able to afford to do much with it!

I could never dream of earning that money , but I did have a good career back in the 90's

Then things shifted for us, and I too had to decide on what to do. The thing is, you can only make the decision as to what is right for you at that time with the facts at hand at that time

At that time I chose my health over wealth and gave up work

Our peers went on to make loads of money, have massive houses in Chelsea, Fulham and Putney with portfolios all over SW London . But they gave up so much , rented rooms in their homes to be able to pay the mortgage , had to have au pairs or nannies or live in help - which meant they worked harder and longer to pay for it all

And eventually we sold up and moved - 500 miles away , mortgage free, both working part time. I only work in MW jobs 20 hours max or zero hour contracts, DH now works 24 hrs - at what ever price he decides

We get by. We dont have mega private pensions , our kids weren't educated privately - but have made good with their lives.

We owe nothing, we have a great work life balance which we had all through the kids growing up, the grandkids coming along and our parents getting elderly and their deaths , we have been able to be there

Who knows what the future will bring? Do what's right for you and your family right now , at this time

We actually found that we never missed my wages after a month or so . I had the time to cook from scratch, get the laundry and house done, did paper work and accounts , no wrap around care, no paying for convienence - which we did when we were both out 12 hours a day

May make me sound like someone who gave up so much to be a SAHW , but we as a family , as a couple, as a larger family unit gained a lot and Ive never felt hard done by, DH pulls his weight , just crap with paperwork :)

And you don’t see the irony in you trying to police my responses? It’s lost on you is it? How about this: I will respond to the OP in the manner that suits me, and you can respond in the manner that suits you.

I often joke that it would have been more useful for me to take my mat leave during the hideous GCSE/A Level/UCAS periods! I reckon my kids needed me more then.

There are plenty of people who regret giving up a good career, what are you talking about.