AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

Valid point. Is he planning on accelerating his career with good (and realistic) for significant salary gains ?

School hours sound perfect but what it actually means is you can take no other time off. I lost both my parents very close together. My DM was taken ill on a Sunday I was called at school on the Monday to say she was dying left school and went to the hospital. She died at midday that
day. I contacted school and told them and had a call On the Wednesday asking me to be in at work on the Thursday. My DF was also in hospital during this time. He came to live with
me and lasted three weeks until he died. Fortunately this was during the holidays. I handed in my notice as I knew there was no way I could work, arrange a funeral and sort my parents affairs without taking time off work which I knew would be denied.

So in summary working school hours only isn’t always as good as it sounds.

Your kids would probably benefit even more by you earning that money so they can get on the property ladder one day, with a little help from you!
Could you take an extended maternity leave. Or a mat leave followed by sabbatical.. so you don’t have to rush back. But honestly WFH 3 days, you’ll see them plenty. And you can give them better opportunities as they grow up if you’re a high earner especially if DH isn’t.

Would you be able to go part time in your current job and work term time only for work life balance?

Thing is OP will you get the lower paid role? The UK job market is the worst I've ever seen it right now, and I have a lot of experience in this as someone who generally works contracts. I'm seeing senior, accomplished people with stellar CVs unable to find a job. Not the job they want - just, a job. There are lots of factors at play that would be a blog post if I started on it here but I'm inclined to say that at this time, if you are in a well paid and relatively flexible role you should hold onto it.

I gave up a highly paid job because I didn't enjoy it.

Just be careful not to assume that lower paid jobs are easier to get though - they're often more competitive as more people can do them. Especially ones that work around children.

The only thing is say is, don't look at Bath. It's expensive.

I went part-time at my current job. I have been able to change my hours up and down as my child’s needs changed. My salary just adjusts proportionally.

we used holiday clubs during school breaks. You just have to mentally amortize the cost over the whole year.

I wouldn’t. Being at home with 2 small children isnt easy and add to that a partner that would need to be out of the home long hours and away some of the week. Nah. Resentment builds pretty quickly and a gap on the CV or even a step down doesn’t look good. You think you could walk back into a job no problem, but actually who knows?

Agree with this and it wouldn’t wash the other way around. So the man was high earning and the women less so but her job dictated the man did all the pick ups and drop offs. I don’t think so.

Your DH needs to do more. I don’t think this has been covered enough. It’s all very well saying - stay full time with 2 tiny kids. But with a DH
not pulling his weight and proposing 3.nights away each week. The OP will be doing everything. How is that fair or healthy?

But would it be easier trying to hold down a full time job with 2 children and do everything at home on top of that in this scenario.

Neither scenario is ideal. Therefore the DH needs to adapt his work. It shouldn’t all be on the OP to be juggling all this whilst he gets to opt out of parenting with a lesser paying job.

I did it, but still have a good career. Flexi time, part time, good sick leave and maternity and pension. Interesting job. Next to no pressure. Public sector
Pay is rubbish, but I am only contracted to work 25 hours. Every time I think of increasing it, another family disaster happens.

Which is more important, a countryside lifestyle or being around more for the children? If it's the first then I'd say stick with the good wages, pay off the mortgage and get more savings in. The more money you have in the kitty, the safer you all are and the more wiggle room you have if you wished to move later.

I did it and don’t regret it at all. I have returned to my career now my kids have grown up but worked in schools so that I could be around for them. There were definitely financial compromises but I was a single parent and they needed me.

Thank you! I was the first person in my org to do this specific pattern (in recent memory at least), so ive been really keen to make it work. I have a very supportive manager who has helped and I've had to put some strict boundaries in place about meetings, but on the whole its working really well so far.

Sick leave from stress until you are ready to go back ...not ideal but if you need to keep your job...

So his new career is actually better paying and with more potential for growth than the previous one. So mid to long term his salary should increase.

You only have one life.
Do what's right for you and what's most important to you.

I wouldn't after reading through your post.

I would stay where you are with your low, affordable mortgage.
I would get help with children drop offs and pick ups.
I would stay where I have a support network, especially if your DH is looking to be away from home several nights a week. I've seen too many marriages fail and the wife left holding the children and household bag when one spouse works away. Keep your career intact.

I'd also be asking for him to reconsider his own career if it's removing him from the family and his family responsibilities to that extent while your child/ren are so young. You are the primary earner; he's earning less AND doing less. That's really not reasonable.

Yes I would seriously consider it.

I might be in a minority but for us, London has been a great place to raise kids. So much to do and a lot of it is free. As they got older, they could navigate the tubes and buses themselves and we were not taxi drivers.

My kids have loved their London upbringing. We encouraged them to go to uni away from London but both are determined to live back here. And know they can stay with us for a few months whilst they look for work etc.

As empty-nesters, we love London life, going to the west end, galleries, out for dinner with friends etc. I look forward to growing old here, though I bet they will take the freedom pass away before we get there. Obviously, London is not for everyone, and there are no gorgeous rolling hills etc so it depends on what you want. Just another perspective!

But that still excuses him from helping you and your career has to take the hit?

Let’s not dress this up. The reason you want to stop your job is because it’s getting too hard juggling and you know that will be harder with 2. So he gets to focus on his.

If it’s genuinely what you want then that is fine. But if you love your job and it’s the juggling that is exhausting you then it doesn’t have to be you that compromises. He has one child and maybe two soon. He doesn’t get to act like he has no children and leave everything to you.

So, having a high salary buys you one of 2 things - an option to buy more things or work less (if allowed). A TA salary is 14k according to Google, so you would earn more in 1 day a week in your current job vs 5 days a week as a TA. A good option would be to find a job share for your current role. Work 2.5 days, around for 3 pick ups, and earn x3 the TA role.

I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave

Why do you need to decide now. You're not even pregnant yet

You have a pretty good arrangement going here - I would be wary of rocking the boat unless you're actively unhappy.

Completely understand you wanting to enjoy as much time as possible with your children while they are little, but the time and energy of leaving london, house hunting, moving, putting down new roots, finding other work, etc will all take time and energy away from them too. And you cannot underestimate the anxiety that comes with feeling you are living above your means - which could easily happen with a major pay cut. It would be awful if you ended up working more or the same hours, less flexibly and for less money - which could easily happen if you give up your current job and then find that the cost of living in eg. Bath is not as different as you expected...

It sounds like your company values you, and if you need to take an afternoon off for an early pick up because a child is ill etc, that won't be a huge deal. That should not be an unusual privilege in the workplace - but it is. A part time job with less flexibility could actually end up feeling more restrictive overall.

Are there things you can do to maximise the time - and quality of that time - with your family in your current situation? Eg - a cleaner, gardener, some meal prep services? Things to make sure that when you're with them, you're actually WITH them.