AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

OP is asking if she should give up her job, telling them you don't think they should give up the job would be a valid response, telling them what they should prefer is not. You can't bang on about patriarchy and then tell a woman what she should prefer.

It is possible. One of my siblings took 15 years out and went back into her old career on 80k for 3 days a week, but that was in finance. She went to headhunter who specialised in getting women back into the city after time out.

A friend of mine who was a GP before she had kids was a SAHP for a while, later did some PT GP work and then retrained as a consultant when they were older.

I had some time of work for the first months when they started school. I didn’t feel like we had any real quality time in the mornings or between school finishing and normal work finishing time. There were a couple of classes they wanted to do after school (at school), and we did after school club a couple of times when I had something on. They absolutely loved it!! We do breakfast club and after school club now on their request, I feel no guilt about doing full time work. My job is well paid and flexible so if there is an issue I can be there. I do regular time pick up every Friday and we go to the park after and have fun.

I love having the extra money to spend on family holidays (they are so important to us), we have a cleaner and do no housework at the weekend. Weekends are usually spent out and about, and we have proper quality time together. I look at the future (uni fees - horrendous, house deposits, etc), and I feel secure that we are able to save for them so they can have opportunities and are not saddled with debt. I would take holidays and security over a few snatched hours during the week.

There is no right or wrong answer here. What suits everyone is the right answer. But either option involves very significant sacrifices. If you are happy with work and the only issue is Mum guilt then I think you could push through that. If you are indifferent to your work and really feel deep down that you want to be at home more and don't care about returning to your previous status then leaving might be right for you. Genuinely I think if you take a step back you need to accept you probably won't get back to where you were career wise. It's a great theory but rarely happens in practice. Also it's very hard to go to FT when your family are used to a PT parent. Even when kids are old enough to not need childcare, it's hard to increase hours like that without disrupting everyone, you would really want to be passionate about it and feel it's worth it. Jobs that fit round school hours are rare and usually involve children or caring elements, this may not be for you. It's not easy being PT if you find something intense and stressful. Also a PT job may have zero flexibility and could be more pressurised in the morning.

All that said, I gave up FT work to be SAHM then sought school hours. It took a few years and lots of retraining but I now love my job and find it 100 times more rewarding than anything I did before. I have a more senior status (relatively, smaller company) and feel so much more respected than i ever did in my past career. I am somewhat financially dependent on my DH but that's ok, we do what works for us as a family. I have zero regrets.

I know you are focused on your dc's early years at the moment, and wanting to spend time with them, however I found the teenage years were the most challenging in terms of balancing work and home. For little ones there are options that provide safety, security, structure, learning, play, nutrition. It doesn't always have to be you (and your options to wfm 3 days give you quite a lot of flexibility re school drop offs gor at least sone of the time.)

Those childcare options don't exist for teenagers (nor do they want them!). I stuck with my career job during dc's younger years and then was able to work in a much more flexible consultancy role when they went to secondary school. I was there for mh crisis, I was present when bullying threatened to become an issue. I didn't come home to find a drunk teenager (my friend did). I think dcs needed ME more during teenager years than they did as 2 year old.

You'd be absolutely mad to do this. I speak as someone who did this. Very stupid decision and one I regret a lot.

If I were you OP I would look at going part time in your current job first, you already know the role and company, and you'd likely have more chance of increasing your hours for decent money when it becomes appropriate.

As others have said, unless you are doing very short hours, being a TA may actually be more prohibitive to doing the school run unless you are working at your children's school, although of course you will get the holidays off.

I'd go part-time somewhere where you already know you can work from home and therefore I assume can do the school runs?

I think unfortunately that financially your family isn't really in a position for you to take such a huge paycut to become a TA, I imagine it would only really work if the person remaining full-time was a much higher earner than your husband currently is.

As someone on the other side or the side of what you want - no don’t do it!! Could you drop a day instead? Or do 3 days at your current job?

Agree with others, get a cleaner, gardener etc to help out if you need too.

I’d possibly explore with your current employer either going part time with a whole day off, or earlier finishes first. Then you have all your cards on the table before you make a decision about leaving.
Even the pay cut that comes with this might still mean you earn more than a part time job around school hours in Bath.

In my mind the move from London to Bath is a separate thing. I wouldn’t think about life being necessarily better or easier there. I would move because I wanted to live in Bath then think about work options from there.

FWIW I have a 14 month old, returning to work this week after mat leave/annual leave and am 16 weeks pregnant. I would love to look after the children, keep my house nice but also keep my career and still can’t work out how I can have it all.

I think it’s an absolutely sensible decision. They are only young once. But then I find it hard to manage my life just me so cannot conceive of how I would manage if I had to combine motherhood too.

I did exactly this.

I was earning twice what DH earned, but not particularly ambitious, and while I managed OK with one DC, when the second one came along it became impossible to juggle everything. This also coincided with a job change, and I was very unhappy at the new place. So I gave up work.

It was definitely a bit of a shock financially at first (we had a lot less money to fall back on that you do) but so worth it. After 7 years (and two more DCs) I went back to work, but in a local/lower-paid job which allowed me to combine school pickups, ballet runs etc with working. I took the lion's share of the care of the DCs throughout their school years, leaving DH to focus on his career, and he moved up the ladder to fill the gap in our finances that I'd left, and is now fairly senior. As the DCs grew, and needed me less, so did my job, and I've been full time for a number of years now.

This doesn't work for everyone, but you did mention that you're not particularly career-minded, and nor was I. My DSis in contrast followed the other path - kept on the career ladder, but spent a lot of money on nannies, wraparound childcare etc. But she loves her career. DH and I decided that "money wasn't everything", and I have absolutely no regrets about stepping back. It was right for our family.

Also, do not underestimate how hard it is to get back onto the career ladder at your previous level if you step off for any length of time.

The drop in salary will be huge and you may end up very bored as a TA.

Maybe fast-forward 10 years and consider if you could go back to your old career after taking time out.

I've not read all your posts but don't think you've said what sector you're in?

If you enjoy your current role and it’s mainly wfh I’d look at options like reducing hours or buying extra leave and taking parental leave. I buy extra leave and only work equivalent of 4.5 days but am still ft.
You may find a pt or term time only role much more rigid eg no wfh, no additional leave so tricky to cover school events etc.
As someone on other side with a teen at uni I’d say don’t underestimate costs as they grow older especially if they do trips and activities. Saving for university, driving lessons etc.
WFH works well with older juniors/secondary. I used to have a tea break when she got back to talk then back to work and she did homework.

Long term I’d love to retrain in something like speech therapy, but that’s probably not feasible now, and I know probably falls into the ‘idyllic’ category that probably isn’t as great as it might seem…

That's at least 3 years as a degree (with the right A levels) then practical experience.
I have a friend who did this and it took a while to work up to a snr role in it.

No chance. We are used to me working for not much more than minimum wage and even with that level of salary I’m struggling to find anything that is school hours only. The only things I’ve seen are cleaning, hospitality or shop work. Even then, most of them want some hours at the weekend or evening. And the work is a hell of a change from a senior office based profession and none of them are going to be helpful if you want to step back either into your career or any other senior role.

The only people I know with anything more than entry level and also school hours had the jobs before kids and did a flexible working request.

Lovely idea to move to Bath but what sort of support network would you have around you. It is very hard living in a new area with no friends or family around to support you. Worth considering before making any move out of London.

I've been exactly where you are right now @fieldmouse231
I would say give yourself the best future options...so if you do want to return when your kids are older, you have the options.

Your child is still tiny - and you want another one. Its totally understandable that you would want to spend more time with them and don't want the pressure of being a working mum. It seems that your employer is very supportive, so I'd go part time which will give you extra time with the kids whilst still giving you a good salary. Supportive employers who support working mums are like gold dust.

Then when the kids are older, consider your move to Bath.

I went part time when the kids were 3 and 1. Now they are older, I'm back full time in a senior role and really enjoying the mental stimulation. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I left my job (and of course, I'm financially Independent if ever my marriage ended).

Good luck!

Just to reiterate another consideration. School hours usually mean you work in a school and rarely offer the flexibility people think.

Unless you work at the school your children attend (and even then it's not a given) you'll still miss all the sports days, assemblies, trips etc and you'll probably be using school clubs for your DC as you'll need to be in your own setting before the school day at your kids school begins.

My sister works in the same school as her child and they use morning and after school club as my sister needs to work 8am - 4/5pm. She is never able to attend her DC events as she has her own class (her school do usually make it work so she can attend the nativity but everything else she has to miss or can only attend in passing) Would be even worse if she was at a different school to her child.

School hours gives much less flexibility than I have WFH.

Thank you so much

I was full time, in a professional role, before kids, and quite ambitious. After the first child I changed to 4 days a week, and loved the day off with them. I later had another child (the first started school around the same time) and again had 1 day off with them, and once the youngest went to school I changed to 4 days over 5, so same hours per week but now do 3 short days with mornings and school pick ups, and 2 longer days in the office. It works well. What really made things better for me was moving company (doing the same job but in a slightly different role) to one where I didn’t have to stay late, with less pressure and targets etc. I can work from home, it’s flexible so I don’t miss school events etc. and we have a good quality of life with two good incomes.
If you have a good employer and you enjoy it, then maybe explore options there first. If you can’t do the job in 3 days, what about 3.5? Or compressed or flexible hours? Or a job share? Or sabbatical? Many employers are open to exploring options and wanting to keep staff, also to show they are family friendly and supporting working parents.
time with the kids when they are little is so precious, and I can see why people want to take a step back from careers. However the time when they are small that is only for a few years and then they are at school and things change again, so whilst some might think it’s more important not to miss those years, it’s also wise to consider what you might do when they are at school and getting older, when you might want the better career.

Absolute no chance - keep your job. Capitalise on family time at weekends and evenings.

@fieldmouse231 I worked freelance when the kids were small - youngest was about 2-5 after being made redundant. I earned very little but it was nice having that time with them. I then moved to government which is great for flexible working and did 3-4 days a week. Now that they're teens, I'm back in private sector and earning really well.
I think part time is much more doable that school hours - you really limit yourself with that.

it sounds like your husband's earning power may increase so that should give you some comfort.

I think your DH needs to seriously rethink his job. Sounds to me he is career driven at the expense of your family.

You are earning more, have a small child and he has recently chosen a career field with long commutes and he plans to be away for three nights, effectively making you a default parent. Are you on board with being a default parent?

Honestly, he doesn't earn enough to can afford supporting a stay at home partner - and nice part time term time school hours job is effectively that.

Choose what works best for you and your family, but think about what is his role and how his choices are making your life harder and limiting your choices.

This is great working pattern. Best of all worlds. If the employer feels it will work for them, it would be amazing

I have inadvertently found myself in a similar position only my partner and were on similar fte incomes and we have gone down to just his salary. Just over a year ago I was working in a professional career on an 80% contract (32h, 4days a week). I WFH 3 days a week and had 1 day in the office. my daughter started school and I was looking at increasing back up to full time and working towards my next promotion in a career that took 10 years to qualify for.

My daughter had managed nursery really well and didn't anticipate issues with starting school. That didn't go to plan and she found the transition to school difficult so staying at 80% made sense and my partner and I rejigged our working patterns so that we didn't need breakfast club and enlisted grandparents so we only needed after school club 3 times a week.

We decided to try for a second and went on to have two miscarriages in 4 months. We gave ourselves a 3 month deadline for another go but going back to being happy as our family of 3. I did conceive again but also made redundant. A year on there was been such an improvement with my daughter but she is needing much more support than she did before starting school and I think she would struggle if she had to go back into wraparound care for the bulk of the week. My second is nearly 5 months and am looking at starting working again when he's around 12 months but now looking for something unrelated to my career, much more part time and flexible so that we can minimise any care we need outside of school hours. We do now have a network of parents that would be able to do the school runs if I couldn't get back exactly in time for 3.15

We can manage without me working at all so it would be just something to provide me a bit of balance. We are still paying into my pension, my partners wage more than covers all of our costs as well as us being able to add to our savings. It really has changed my priorities. I have been surprised by how his year has turned out, I'm looking for at a completely different work after this, less corporate and more people orientated. My priorities in life are just different now