Should i let my children be looked after this person?

[YourDenimTraybake]

This is a delicate matter…
just wanted to hear peoples views.

A distant family member has gotten themself into a tricky situation where they can’t be around kids at the moment.

They are currently staying at a family members house until this is sorted out. We haven’t been for a while because they are staying there and we have children. But we do visit often under normal circumstances.

My kids are supposed to going in a few weeks for the day. Under normal circumstances i would be happy for them to go. However i have been told the person in question won’t be there, they will be a work.

Do you think it’s ok for my kids to still go. I’ve been told that they won’t be there at all whilst my kids are there.

I am a little worried, but only because I don’t wanna get into trouble doing the wrong thing.

Sorry if I’ve been vague. 🤦🏼‍♀️ don’t really know how to approach the situation.

In what world would you even consider it??

Listen.... I am very happy you came back with such a great update.

Perverts and abusers rely on people wanting to "be nice" and "not be difficult" and to "not make a scene".

Great to hear you arent doing that and are prioritising their safety.... even if it means you have family members grumbling and kids (who dont understand the full context) whining to you.

Like I said though... that family member who took the pedophile in IS an enabler and although I'm they are kind and sweet and nice
They cannot be trusted because they have bad judgement.
Remember that.

that family member who took the pedophile in IS an enabler and although I'm they are kind and sweet and nice
They cannot be trusted because they have bad judgement.

Choosing to house him tells you nothing about their views and even less that they are ‘enablers’. You have no idea of the circumstances yet have come up with this label like some kind of witch finder general. The adult child is going to work which suggests they are not yet convicted, and may not be even be charged. They are likely parents housing their adult son while he either is being investigated or they figure out what the hell to do next. People love to think they’d abandon their children in these circumstances and some do, but many don’t.

I think some of the posts have been harsh on you OP.
The family has probably been blown apart by these things, and still trying to work out what it means for the rest of them.
I can easily imagine an adult son having to leave the family home and moving in with his parents in these circumstances.

Parents might not be happy, but also don't want to see son on the street, and waiting to see what actually transpires. At the same time they are also missing their grandkids.

I wouldn't assume the grandparents (sorry may not be grandparents, but I'm just trying to imagine) are complicit or happy or sympathetic to the son. But they are also going to want to believe the best, and have not yet fully realised all the implications.

If they have any sense, they will 100% understand when you say you cannot come to their house.

I have close friends who were in exactly this situation, and it was awful. It wasn't until the trial that the full story came out. Nearly killed the mother, she was so distressed by the evidence of what her son had done, and right up until that moment she thought it would be lesser crimes, couldn't properly believe that her son had done that.
The grandkids did continue to see their grandparents but there were strict groundrules, and the kids mum was ALWAYS present, and they did not go to the house where the perpetrator lived. The kids were not victims, just caught in the family breakdown.

The best thing you can do OP is to be the tiger mother, you have to actively ringfence who your kids see and who has access, you have to put down rules to keep them safe, you have to be the one to decide. Dont' be talked into anything you are not comfortable with. Family members are likely to be all over the place at the moment. Also, sad to say, don't trust anyone. If they have been close to the perpetrator, they will at some level be finding it hard to believe the accusations are true, and won't be as vigilant as you are.

I'm glad you can see that even if the person who can't be around children isn't at the home, you can't send your children. You have to be able to trust these people with your children, and because they've let this person into their home, it means you can't. Yes, blood is thicker than water, but there has to come a point, when what's right comes before family. These family members haven't, so therefore they can't see the children.

Glad you have made this decision. And I too would be furious they had decided to 'look after' someone who is a danger to children. It would make me change the way I looked at them generally to be honest.

But, you are keeping your children safe by not sending them. Anything could happen that they leave work early and then it would be 'but we were there so it's ok'.

If the children are missing the non-dangerous family then they can come to you. Why haven't they been making sure they still see the DC? Why are they putting an adult who can't be round children, above innocent children?

I’m just at Mum who’s trying to do the right thing and doesn’t want to hurt anyone so please be kind

I just wanted to pick up this point.

As women we are taught throughout childhood and adolescence to "be kind" and don't hurt other people's feelings. Always put others needs and feelings above our own.
You are not alone. We are all taught this.

Generally, as a rule, this is a good way to live.
But when you get to my grand old age you realise it is complete bollocks.
As you have found out, there are situations when you cannot always be kind and you may hurt someone else's feelings.

In your situation, you have to protect your children. This means you cannot be kind to your family members and you will probably hurt their feelings.
So be it.
This is not on you. They have made their choice to allow this person to live with them. You have to make a decision regardless of their feelings.

I promise it gets easier as you get older to do this because you grow a "I don't give a fuck" attitude. 😆

"My kids are supposed to going in a few weeks for the day. "

Could the relative that they would be going to see, instead come to your house to see / care for your kids? That way they can be together with zero chance of the unsavoury distant relative coming into contact with them?

No!

Oh course not.

So the people you’d leave your DC with are happy to have a person who shouldn’t be around children living with them? They have shit judgement. It’d be a hard no from me.

OP, you said However i have been told the person in question won’t be there, they will be a work. Do you think it’s ok for my kids to still go. I’ve been told that they won’t be there at all whilst my kids are there.

Do you feel that this relative is pushing you to drop your kids off at their house? Are they making you feel unreasonable for wanting to cancel the plans?

That would set alarm bells off for me.

No

This.

How do you know the people who will be in the house won't take photos /videos of your children that will be accessible to the accused person?
How do you know the accused person won't be able to do any covert recording of your children?
How do you know the people in the house are themselves safe for your children to be around?

Sorry but your mum is not 'doing the right thing' by harbouring a paedophile

Edit to add: sorry I missed your typo, I thought you were saying you are angry at your mum who is trying to do the right thing

I am guessing that this person is staying with a relative as they have had to move out of their own family home as there are children there - are social services involved? Don’t take the risk with your own children

Have to agree to disagree....

My own experience within my extended family maybe taints my view but imo this is how predators worm their way back into decent society.

I'd rather clutch my pearls and be wrong a thousand times over thanks very much. 👍

I’m guessing your BIL is a predator and the in laws think he’s innocent.
go talk to the police- say you have small children related to this person. My friend did similar and got some info

Do you really need to ask?

The house presumably belongs to a parent and the distant relative is a sex offender? By offering them a home they should have automatically understood that your children would not be visiting.

And if they are willing to support a sex offender then why do you want to visit them anyway?

It would be a hard no from me. If you're under pressure then they don't get the seriousness and that's only one step away from allowing the relative access to your kids 'to be kind'/ 'it's fine because we're there' etc etc

Yeah it must have been really 'tricky.' Searching out CSA images, creating them. And possibly physically SAing kids. If only they could make it easier to get away with...🙄🤢

Would I send my kids to the home of someone harbouring a peodophile? No.

If the people your children are supposed to be visiting think the relative who shouldn't see children is innocent/hard done by/misunderstood/not really a threat/etc. then no, absolutely not unsupervised.

If they are concerned, have proactively addressed issues, would definitely bring your DC home if the relative came back from work early, etc. then I think it's fine. But you really must trust them 100% and if you're asking on MN then it seems unlikely that you do.

Looking at it from the other perspective, the authorities would take a dim view of children being taken to where he is staying, whether hes at work or not.
Of course you don't.