Should i let my children be looked after this person?

[YourDenimTraybake]

This is a delicate matter…
just wanted to hear peoples views.

A distant family member has gotten themself into a tricky situation where they can’t be around kids at the moment.

They are currently staying at a family members house until this is sorted out. We haven’t been for a while because they are staying there and we have children. But we do visit often under normal circumstances.

My kids are supposed to going in a few weeks for the day. Under normal circumstances i would be happy for them to go. However i have been told the person in question won’t be there, they will be a work.

Do you think it’s ok for my kids to still go. I’ve been told that they won’t be there at all whilst my kids are there.

I am a little worried, but only because I don’t wanna get into trouble doing the wrong thing.

Sorry if I’ve been vague. 🤦🏼‍♀️ don’t really know how to approach the situation.

No this is 100 not fine and I would imagine might be of interest to social services if they ever looked into it. It would also be Sod’s Law that on the day you choose they’d be ill, sent home from work etc. Just not worth the risk.

This might also breach bail conditions etc of the family member.

Can’t the non-dodgy members of the family see your kids somewhere else?

So, to rephrase:

"Should I send my children to the current residence of a potential pedophile, who may or may not be there at the time?"

What kind of mother actually needs to double check the answer to this one?!

No.
If someone is happy to have a potential child molester in their house (which I assume is what the issue is) then I wouldn't want my children going to their house or associating with them.

I appreciate that we do have the concept of 'innocent until proven guilty' but this is not something I'd take a chance on, and unfortunately, in situations like this, it's almost always 'guilty but not yet proven in a court of law'.

Social services would expect that a safety plan is in place, which abides by the bail conditions. OP seems to be setting out that the family member would supervise and that therefore is the safety plan

Lots of people have to take in their sons when accused of these things and they have to exit their family homes during the investigation.

Might not be a peadophile ,, sometimes men who are a cursed of DV are asked to leave family home and go somewhere without children living their

No. Your kids can't be in the home where someone who is not supposed to be around children is staying. Dead stop.

If your relative gets mad, too bad. You cannot put your kids in harm's way.

Thank you for all your replies.

I’ve never posted on mumsnet before so I didn’t realise how fast you’d all reply.😅

You are all right though. I knew the answer before I posted it, but this is something i’ve never had to deal with before and it has totally freaked me out and i guess i just wanted to offload on a bunch of strangers. Apologies💗

I appreciate, I’ve been vague, there is a whole lot I could obviously divulge here but as anonymous as it might i don’t want to say too much. My kids are missing these family members (not the one in trouble!) - they are very close to them. You can understand my anger at them “looking after this person’’ my kids, they’re so young, they don’t understand the situation. I’m just at Mum who’s trying to do the right thing and doesn’t want to hurt anyone so please be kind. I’m not a person who adores confrontation soo saying no is not going to be a conversation I’m looking forward to.

However, it doesn’t make it right. I totally get that. And i do I love my children to bits, i do own their responsibility wholeheartedly and I will never put them in a situation that later on I’m going to regret to put them in.

So, yeah, you can rest easy. I won’t send them.

Thanks for replying - sorry if i’ve ruined your day with my post.

It’s very lonely when you can’t talk to anyone so here i am.

"Tricky situation"? "At the moment"?

You seem to be working quite hard to deny and minimise the (clearly very serious) situation. "Until this is sorted out" seems to imply you're taking it as read this person is innocent. Don't do that, and don't take your kids to the home of anyone else who does that.

Edit: NVM, cross post

A wise decision OP.

Do you have sons?

What would you do if one of them had bail conditions not to be around children and was asked to leave his home and had no where to go and had to sleep on the streets. Would you take him in as an adult during the investigation?

It's a no, because you're at a distance from it and you're visibly minimising the issues, as other people have already posted. If you're minimising the issue, the person(s) housing the relative in question will be doing so to a far greater extent.

It is a known phenomenon that in such situations, the loved ones of adults accused of offences against children will deliberately engineer situations in which the accused adult is left alone with visiting grandchildren/nephews and nieces, in order to 'prove' the adult isn't a risk.

And the person supposed to be looking after them cannot come to your’s? Would you trust them to safeguard your dc if they are willing to house this individual?

You need to be very very careful. Families often try to minimise and protect the family and the family name. They want ut to go away. To brush it under the carpet and pretend that things are normal. You know, nothing to see here. This is often to the detriment of the most vulnerable people in the family.

I was a victim on CSA. So were a lot of the children in my family. All in the name of protecting one person. I was still made to see my abuser while visiting family. I was not protected. My siblings were not protected and my cousins were not protected. We were part of the family as well. We were all impacted for our whole lives because of the poor decision making of adults around us. The thing is the problem was not just him it was everyone else's complicity. They didn't report him to the police after the first discovery. That resulted in the rapes and SA of other children. Our lives and innocence were ruined before they even started.

No. Don't do the visit as it's much clearer if you just totally avoid that household. Instead, why don't those relatives have a day out with the children? So the children still get to continue that relationship with those relatives but in a way that removes some of that anxiety. A farm park or something like that. That way they can pick them up and drop them back to you, have a lovely day but have no chance of seeing this other person.

Don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong. As long as you put your kiss first, some awkward conversations will be worth it

Nonce

Nope, absolutely not. I have two convicted paedos in the family. One of them, we do see another family member who lives in the same house, but never at the home. We haven’t crossed their threshold in 10 years. The family member comes to visit us or we meet them out.

The other one, we are completely NC with the paedophile and the entire family. I will not let any of them around my children even supervised.

The difference is the first family member genuinely doesn’t believe they did it (it’s bs 🙄 but I don’t believe that they themselves are a risk just because they house someone who they think was falsely convicted). They are closely supervised with our dc though. The second one knows the individual did it and they think it’s no big deal. They have helped be his cover so he could offend again (in this case, going along to family resorts and the like, they don’t have children, where he could come into contact with children). Nope, no way, none of them are allowed anywhere near my children and we are completely NC.

My children’s wellbeing always comes first and I don’t really give a shit who in the family might be offended by it.

This should be taught in schools!

Glad to hear your update OP. As a victim of childhood trauma pertaining to this, you are doing the (only) right thing.

No. People who do the sort of thing I think you are referring to have the urge to do it and the lack of control to enable it no matter what their current situation. Not worth the risk.

It’s a no from me!!!

Absolutely not. They mind the kids at your house where there is no risk of the other person coming home from work early/ sick etc. But tbh the very fact they are pushing this and don't see the problem would make me think they aren't taking this seriously enough.

Surely the trusted family member can visit your children at your house without the one who cannot be around children (it's obviously paedophilia related).

Absolutely no way would any child of mine be going anywhere near the house where I was aware a potential paedophile was being sheltered.

Trusted person (your parent??) comes on their own to your house to see the children or doesn't see them at all. Make sure you are present for any such meetings too.

If you do it that way then you aren't banning them from seeing the children, they can but it must be on your terms.

No. Never would I take the risk with my childs safety. I hope you do the right thing OP.

You can still be anonymous and disclose more than ‘a tricky situation not allowing them to be near children”. That sounds awful and shame on whoever is housing this person putting you in that position and also expecting your children to go there and not make effort to see them in a different setting. I’d be keeping a wide berth from the lot of them. Your children should come first.