Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

I think your biggest mistake was to tell them separately so they could “process “ it. Having been in a very similar situation to your SIL I would have felt very hurt that you “prepared “us.
Your mind is all over the place after a miscarriage, often you have to grieve them alone and silently because you haven’t told anyone. I had 5 miscarriages, my family only know about 2 of them. I think if my SIL had specifically contacted me out of perceived empathy or kindness when I had just suffered yet another loss then I would have felt like they were gloating. I was irrational and grieving so processing the information at that point wouldn’t have been easy. I was lucky that my MIL told me, probably the only time she has shown real compassion. She was there for me and ready for the emotions it may stir. But it was done in private because only my MIL knew about the recent loss.

I think that, although considered a kindness, it was actually singling them out and making it clear that you thought they may ruin the announcement or your special time. I would find it offensive. Were you expecting her to have a meltdown or storm off? It’s sort of backfired on you. It’s perfectly normal to protect yourself from triggering situations when you are grieving so your SIL/BIL distancing themselves during your pregnancy was to be expected. I think if you’d experienced a miscarriage yourself in the past you may have had more empathy.

We delayed announcing my pregnancy with DS because it coincided with my BIL wedding. So I was nearly 20wks before we went public. The immediate family knew but I didn’t want loads of people making a fuss at the wedding. Fortunately I was 30 wks before it started to show. It still didn’t stop my SIL being a bit frosty. DS was a bit of a miracle baby and we certainly didn’t plan the pregnancy to coincide with the wedding.

My DSis and I found out we were pregnant at the same time, due within days of each other, unfortunately I miscarried. My DN was born on my birthday and nothing would have stopped me from spending the first couple of days with DSis and my DN. I don’t look at her and think about the child I lost but as babies my DS ( born a couple of yrs later) and DN were identical and were often mistaken for twins when they were younger. She is like the daughter I never had.

I know somebody who had a similar reaction - after an early pregnancy loss would not look at young children, any children, and would refuse to speak to family members who had young children. Interestingly that person is also on the autistic spectrum I’m sure, although I think it’s undiagnosed. It’s really difficult, I don’t know what the answer is! We want to be sympathetic, but there comes a point when some behaviour is very rude and hurtful even though we want to sympathise with someone struggling with grief. I’m still struggling with this person now; other issues but a similar pattern. How much do we tiptoe around in order to keep the peace, when it’s not always healthy for other people. The thing is, I don’t think this person has any recognition that their behaviour impacts others, and I think they would be really angry if this were mentioned. So I kind of feel there’s less ‘point’ in pointing things out to them, because they won’t recognise what I’m saying, and I will be on the receiving end of their anger.

At the end of the day you’re dealing with a person who is ND whose family were trying to manage her neurodiversity and prior trauma so I don’t think there’s a lot of point in bearing “resentment”. It is what it is.

Nor do I think there’s any point in making recovery from this dependent on whether B&SIL start acknowledging you. SIL may never behave normally. She may not actually be capable of behaving what you might regard as normal in this context.

I’d just focus on your own family and accept the weird dynamics in DH’s as they are. If that means you limit your interface with them that’s fine.

But why do you keep insisting? Why keep approaching her?

I hate my SIL. She's always been a stirring bitch to me. Last year she said something that deeply, deeply upset me. The result was, and remains, that I cannot look at her. I detest confrontation, and when a dog had been kicked too many times, it either attacks or slinks away. I slink away.

SIL keeps trying to look at me, instigate conversation as if nothing happened. All I want is for her to leave me the fuck alone.

Your SIL has made it clear she doesn't want a friendship, so accept that, and leave her be.

I've been on both sides of this. I had year of infertility, ICSI and I lost 4 babies (2sets of twins) I couldn't be around pregnant people, I couldn't be around babies. It was hard. It brought up so many hard feelings jealousy, inadequacy, sepf loathing, grief, to nane a few. It really was a very tricky time. I didn't attend my best mates wife's baby shower. I didn't see his baby until it was a toddler. I couldn't do it. I sent gifts but I couldn't manage all the conflicting feelings. My friends were great no one held it against me. I was on rhe edge of a breakdown what wiry all the treatment, medication, loss, D&Cs and trying to hold down a full time job in a bloody school full of kid.

On the otherside, I fell pregnant with my now 7 year old at the same time as my husbands niece. She announced her pregnancy at 5 weeks and later had miscarriage. Our babies would have been a few weeks apart. I felt terrible telling her I was pregnant. She never acknowledged my child and hasn't been involved at all. She recently had a baby. My H and I didn't even know she was pregnant. I don't really feel any way about it. I didn't send anything because we don't have a relationship. I'm not upset by any of it. I get it. I don't know the journey she had to have her baby and she doesnt know mine. No judgement from me.

It’s outrageous how you are being treated, no matter the reason.

Your family should have spoken up for you and do your child. To ignore your child is unforgivable, especially now she has a family of her own.

(and yes. I’ve had late miscarriages and waited years for my family whilst everyone around me had theirs. I still would never have treated family like this)!

Honestly? I think this is one of those situations where one cannot control how someone else behaves but can control their own reaction to it.

In this case, if there is someone who won’t look at or speak to the OP’s daughter then it is important that they don’t have access to her. She will now be picking up on it and it won’t be doing any good.

I would be tempted to tell the MIL that you now won’t come to any events where the SIL will be because doing so harms your child. It’s a pity that the cousins won’t know each other but that’s about it.

Then stop. Don’t make any more effort with the SIL. If your husband wants to give a card and present to them for the new baby then that is up to him.

I think that, although considered a kindness, it was actually singling them out and making it clear that you thought they may ruin the announcement or your special time.

I think that's a deeply weird and unpleasant assumption, @Crwysmam. There's no suggestion whatsoever that the OP let her BIL and SIL know separately by text in case they 'ruined her announcement'. People in the OP's position, announcing a pregnancy to someone struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, often on here beg people to let them know via text so they can deal with their complicated emotions about it and not have to slap on a happy face amidst familial rejoicing. It seems to me a sensitive thing to do and not to come from 'Don't rain on my parade' but from a genuinely well-meaning thought process.

Your sil cares only for her own happiness not for yours at all. She would literally prefer it if you had been denied the chance to have your baby. It’s admirable that you are prepared to rise above this - if your sil allows you to do so. Just remember that she has not got your back so you would be wise to (surreptitiously) keep your guard up around her.

Are you reading a different thread?

My mum had 4 sisters and most of them never sent me a card or present my entire life. I dont care. I never have cared. Presumably these women had rheir own lives struggles and families.

One of the aunties that ignores my existence in childhood contacted my via Facebook in adulthood as she saw me on a friend's list from one of the cousins.

I welcomed contact from her and we began sending each other cards at christmas and birthday.

I had zero animosity whatsoever towards her.

Children make their own minds up. All of this hand wringing about a small child being ignored by her dad's sister is the adults emotions. The child wont care. There is an awful lot of projecting going on here.

It's frankly weird that the OPs entire pregnancy was spoilt because of one person.

Exactly.The catastrophising on this thread is ridiculous. The child won't know or care.

Would actually like to hear the other side of it. We dont know how sensitively she dealt with her.Sister in laws pregnancy losses.

Also say it's quite weird to be so close to a sister in law. Your actual sister for sure.

A SIL is someone your other half is related to. Don't need to become best friends forever with them.

Everyone deals with grief differently. I’m pragmatic and live by the rule “what will be will be”. But after miscarriage after miscarriage and in the middle of them losing my mum, I was not in a very good place. The thoughts that go through your head are totally irrational, I actually thought that if I got pregnant my mum might manage a few more months, determined to see her first grandchild. I hadn’t told her I’d had a miscarriage, my youngest DSis told me not to. I understood her thought process so kept quiet. DM guessed something was going on and weedled out of me. I didn’t drop my DSis in it but it took me a long time to forgive her for manipulating me. My DM was cross that despite her terminal illness I hadn’t felt comfortable telling her about my loss.

Sometimes we do things with the best intentions but without considering the state of mind of the person we are guiding/helping.

You may think it’s weird but pregnancy loss, particularly multiple pregnancy loss can do strange things to your mind. How you interpret other’s behaviour is often warped.

I suffered from post natal depression, it was the culmination of repeated losses including both my parents. My brain had had enough and I was having awful intrusive thoughts. I now have a lot of sympathy for women who suffer postpartum psychosis and end up killing their children. Similarly a throw away comment by anyone can have a lasting effect on your relationship with that person.

I remember one friend sympathising after a late miscarriage, she followed up with the comment “ but I have no idea how you feel because I’ve never had a miscarriage”. Normally this is a simple statement of truth, but to someone in the depths of hormonal grief it can be reinterpreted as “ I don’t know how you feel because my body doesn’t lose babies”. It’s totally irrational but loss makes you irrational.

From how the in-laws reacted previously I’d place bets on the op and her dh being the ones missing out as the other brother and his wife seem to be the favourites.

But I wouldn’t blame op and her dh for keeping their child away from sil and bil.

This @Crwysmam thats exactly what batshit and rather cruel SIL is doing whenever she sees her niece Were you expecting her to have a meltdown or storm off? It’s sort of backfired on you.
how has it backfired? Well sad yes that there’s going to be no inlaw relationship, but what a relief to see the crazy before the ops dd form any form of relationship with them!

Judging by the length of time the OP has felt resentment it suggests that her INLAWS had good reason to protect the SIL. The fact that the OP is convinced that neurodivergency is to blame is a bit of a red flag. It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story. Maybe her INLAWS have a greater level of empathy or have experienced loss themselves so they understand the dynamic.

True also a lot of blame on the sil as is the norm and not much mention of the bil apart from a brief bit about her husband not having his brother’s support for her traumatic birth.

Im not sure what support that would be either other than a basic chat on the phone or the men going to the pub for a drink and debrief.

But the brother having no children and no experience of labour isn’t likely to be helpful at all apart from a back pat and a there there, there there. While thinking stop complaining you’ve got a wife and a healthy daughter.

Has the BIL ever been interested op? Forgetting sil what is bil doing or said?

That's a relatively recent historical concept for the vast majority of people. Most people have stayed close to extended family for most of history. Did they not grow up?

I dont care what happened 100 years ago or in other countries. It might be recent but it's what we do now.

Who are you including as "we" in that sentence? At my child's primary school, about half the parents grew up locally and are still geographically close to their extended families (we are not in that half). A fair few attended the school themselves!

It's frankly weird that the OPs entire pregnancy was spoilt because of one person.

I'd actually go a step further and say that it's a bit weird that other people's reactions - apart, obviously from the baby's father or maybe your parents - could ruin a woman's pregnancy at all. Surely this is about the joy of the life you are creating and about to meet, and not about the reactions of other people? It's almost SM'ish in its neediness for "likes."

I do understand that it would have been a lot nicer if there had been more celebration, more fanfare, more discussion of it in the wider family circle on that side of the family; but, with an understanding of why that wasn't the case, it seems to me a kind of "shrug and move on" circumstance. As another pp said, pregnant women generally get more interest from their own side of the family anyway.

Thanks for this @cinquefoils . I looked up the best ways to handle the situation, as like I said, I had SIL with loss and a best friend going through IVF. So I did really consider the options of how to tell them with empathy and kindness, and decided that was the best way to do it. Obviously, there is no single right way to do it, but I tried my best.
If I were in her position, I would have not been able to plaster a smile on my face if it were announced in person. So I could not have done that to her!
Tbf, we aren't big 'announcement', baby shower, type people anyway. I think it was all pretty low-key the way we told everyone.

Yes, text is absolutely the best, and the best you could have done - and it works on a similar logic to the way in which SIL finds she can send a card to dc but struggles face to face.

To me, it is clear it is still costing her an effort that is beyond her because of her trauma. We could debate whether she has failed in some way in that she hasn't healed faster, but I definitely think there is no reason to take it personally.

OP I can tell you've tried to be kind to her, sending a text announcement for example definitely the right thing to do. However, I really think you've missed the mark with your resentment of her being able to have the experience you feel like you were denied. Pregnancy after loss is not an enjoyable experience, she might have been able to talk about her pregnancy more openly but I bet it hurt her to do so. Personally I found it extremely hard to even acknowledge my own pregnancy, let alone anyone else's. She probably spent each and every day worrying that she was going to lose another one. You may not have been able to share and feel your joy as much as you would have liked with the in laws, but presumably you were able to do so with your friends, your own family, your colleagues, your hairdresser, some random woman on the bus who asks you when you're due etc. and you probably got to enjoy your scans, your midwife appointments, decorating the nursery and preparing for baby's arrival. Your SILs previous experience probably jaded every conversation people tried to have with her about it.

I don't say this to say I can't see why you are sad, after all you lost a friend through no fault of your own. But resenting her feels hollow, just something to think about.

It's their baby and future kids I feel for. They are going to have to deal with their DM running away from them when she's overwhelmed or there is any time of emotion or hardship. And their extended family are a bunch of rug sweepers.
Before anyone comes for me, I have LIVED experience. It's all well and good making endless excuses and exceptions for someone with ASD but the children will suffer. IL aren't going out of their way to rectify the situation for OP's child so SIL child will be no different.
Just step back and enjoy your lovely family, and maintain a cool distance for your own family's benefit. The outcome you want won't happen from these people.