Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

I agree with this. It was rude of your SIL to behave like this and awful of you, but she probably couldn’t help it and probably made worse if she has ASD. I know how devastating it is to lose a baby. When it happened to me, half of all the women at work were pregnant at work. I just couldn’t be near them. I couldn’t avoid them entirely but missed all their leaving events, and was upset about this as I got on well with all of them but I knew if I went I’d just burst into tears. I knew I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together. Nobody would have known why either as none of them knew I’d been pregnant. I didn’t take much time off work either as it was awful being at home. I spent hours sobbing when I did take a day off sick. At least at work, I could try to keep busy, but had to sob in the toilets or go home early a few times! It was difficult to avoid pregnant women and talk of pregnancies and babies with so many pregnant at the same time! If it had been a close relative or friend who had been pregnant, I think I would have tried to avoid seeing them too but at least I could have explained. You clearly realised how sensitive it was, but I think your SIL should have explained that she would have to pull away from you, and then not met up as much. That might have helped you, but her grief got in the way so much.
You have a right to be really hurt. I think it would be reasonable to organise a sit down and try to have a talk about it. Say you realise it was a very difficult time for her / them but say you were really hurt by their reaction and couldn’t express the joy of your pregnancy. I imagine her pregnancy was full of worry in case they miscarried again. Say there was hurt and upset on both sides, and ask if you can all put it behind you? Ask if the cousins can have a relationship? Perhaps go from there? See what they say. I’d say one chance and if the conversation doesn’t go as well, you’ll have to leave it. It’s clearly bothering you, as it would and should, you say you were really close before so of course it’s upsetting. It’s such a shame. As it’s family though, I’d be trying to forgive her / them. Hopefully you can all have a relationship with the children / babies who have done nothing wrong and are cousins. I might be having a similar conversation with your parents too, saying how hurt you were that there was no joy expressed over your pregnancy.
Good luck.

Have you been to see the baby yet?

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond to this, and to everyone who has shared their stories and been vulnerable. It is so helpful to understand all perspectives, so thank you.

Some things have been taken out of context/jumped to conclusions. For example, I never said I was going to have a difficult conversation with SIL now, as new mum, with a newborn, going through baby blues, hormonal shifts, etc! This can either wait, or I don’t think it necessarily needs to be addressed at all if we can be civil. I don’t want an apology, as grief can do all sorts to people.

It is likely a mix of things - the trauma, difficulty expressing emotions/social situations, and perhaps her upbringing (her family iced her out like this for over a year for an issue I won’t go into details on) - that means that she could not handle it in a different way, other than completely cutting contact/running away/looking away.

One the many things that I have taken from this is being mindful of my 2-year old. If SIL/BIL continues to ignore my very social girl, I will have to consider the impact it has on her, as she will definitely pick up on it. I might have to stop taking her to events where SIL/BIL are if it continues. This is one instance which would mean some kind of convo to address in the future.

I also agree that these issues are very complex. I just wish it could have been handled slightly differently, even if the brothers could have spoken about it. Just a little bit of clarity, other than being totally iced out, would have been less hurtful and confusing. However, I know there is no point in thinking of the shoulds/could/what ifs. I cannot control how another person reacts.

Thanks all! Probably my last message as can’t keep up. But it feels good to share something that I’ve felt alone with for a while now.

There is more and more carte blanche for people with fertility issues to treat other people like crap. I’ve got so many friends now who can’t properly enjoy their pregnancy because it all becomes very fraught with telling the other friends and family members. It turns into a whole thing to be managed. Of course, when these couples with infertility do get their pregnancy and baby, they expect everyone to celebrate with them and be over the moon for them. Obviously not everyone is like this, it seems to be the bridezilla types that then turn into this persona. It is the same behaviour.
OP, your SIL sounds extremely immature. It’s a shame you are now being singled out when you haven’t done anything wrong.

A wise summary I think op.

And I agree, the impact on your DD is the one thing that requires some sort of resolution at some point, either gentle contact while you all feel your way towards a more natural dynamic, or an explanation to Mil, perhaps, as to why you can't attend things together.

Good luck.

?

I can see the Bridezilla analogy up to a point - and I definitely think baby showers can fall in that kind of category.

But I think it can be all too easy to dismiss fertility struggles and pregnancy loss, and I don't think comparing the sometimes erratic behaviour that can result from the heartbreak and anxiety involved to the "Me, Me, ME-ness" of Bridezilla-dom is really fair.

One of the reasons it seems a more recent thing is because back a couple of generations you simply bottled and buried any kind of trauma that involved your ... (whisper it: your "down-there bits.") I'm sure it manifested in different ways.

😂

It is sad for her, her reaction was probably worse due to the autism diagnosis. I don’t think I would want to speak to her again. I understand her pain and frustration but she has been horrible to you. She is lucky that you had a healthy baby or she’d have been the biggest shit going.

Yanbu. You can’t mention Anything today without reminding/hurting/etc. someone these days. But what about talking about parents? I lost mine young. What about being healthy? I had a potential life threatening illness. Yet no one pussy foots around me even though it can be very hurtful because people should be able to live - not rubbing it in other’s faces - just live!

Well she’s the weird one, she’s not the only person in the world struggling, she needed to get over herself n learn to be happy for others. That is such embarrassing way to behave, if I were you, I would want nothing to do with people like that.

Maybe I have misunderstood but why did you feel that you had to tell SIL about a friend's IVF/pregnancy? Especially when they disrespect you like that and completely ignore you. I am sure she comes across very badly in social gatherings and people do notice. Did they even acknowledge that you had a baby and did they visit or send gifts at the time?

I hope your DH tells them that it's very rude of them to hurt both of you like that. And your DD hasn't done anything to them!

It's a tough one I understand your resentment towards them.
To not acknowledge their niece is out of order it's understandable they felt grief at their losses but not being able to be happy for someone your close to is poor it's not a competition.
I'd have to talk to them and say how they've treated you and made you feel wasn't fair .
If you don't you will always feel resentful ..

I don’t think she’s told the SIL about the friend doing IVF.

Something has jumped out at me from the OP’s last update. The wider family treated the SIL in the same way over some issue for a year? This isn’t just the SIL then, the family themselves are weird and unpleasant.

Everyone’s happiness should be celebrated . The issue is everyone protected them including yourself and now off course you resent it .
I lost a baby at 13 weeks and 3 days after I had to celebrate my niece babies shower . I remeber looking at her bump and wanting to very non stop ( it was my 3rd loss ) but I never did because I knew I was wrong the moment I took away her joy . Her baby was on the way and needed and should be celebrated .
Thankfully I went on to get pregnant ( currently) again , those where hard times but we are not animals who don’t know what’s right and wrong

I think that there are larger family problems at play and I would question the relationship between your sil/bil and their family otherwise

in normal families, no one would expect not to talk about your baby

in my family, I was bullied. What they’d do is act like they couldn’t speak about things for fear of me, and then make a big deal out of making me seem unapproachable when in fact that wasn’t the case and I had no idea they were all acting like this!

I would speak directly to sil and have it out with your husband and her husband there and no one else

just to offer a different perspective xx

also congratulations on your babies

No. The SILs parents iced her out over something, wouldn't talk to her, visit her etc.
Not BILs/my partners parents.

I'm so sorry you had a tough time. I think they would have understood if you hadn't have gone to the baby shower. Although you had mixed emotions, it's kind that you were still able to go and celebrate in some way. So glad to hear that you were able to get pregnant again x

Sounds like icing people out is something she’s learnt from her family as a perfectly normal thing to do over any upset.

Ah, I see. Fair enough.

She is autistic and you are using that as a potential reason for her behaviour but what is your bil's excuse?

There is absolutely no excuse for ignoring your child and if they were to do that in front of her then yes I would have to speak to them about it. If your sil wanted to protect herself from pain by avoiding you whilst pregnant then I can appreciate that but it would be unreasonable of her to expect everyone else to do the same. I would have raised this with your parents in law early on in your pregnancy. Fair enough, they didn't need to do so overly in front of her but they could have shown interest and excitement in other ways.

I would accept that your relationship is never likely to be like it was before. You have your own lovely family and I would put all your energy into that. If you haven't met their dd yet or don't feel you wish too yet then don't. It isn't their feelings that always need to be considered. Just as they protected their feelings you are allowed to protect yours.

I was in your SIL’s position but nobody knew. I kept quiet and was politely curious/a listening ear during SIL’s pregnancy.

I am so ashamed of who I became once the baby arrived. I just couldn’t be near them without feeling possessed by grief and despair. Listening to the PIL talking about the wonders of grand-parenthood was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. I will never have the relationship I should have with the nephew, but I’m trying to build one now. I have to say SIL has been incredibly kind, as I said, I didn’t ever say anything but withdrew as much as possible from them. I suspect she may have guessed. Since our baby arrived, she very much treated it as a clean slate, for which I am very grateful.

For any woman who loses a child it is literally the end of the world - losing several I would imagine is soul destroying. When those around you are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and that's all you want, every celebration of a pregnancy feels like a knife in your heart. It's that simple. Very very difficult to handle emotionally - you think the world is against you. No amount of good will, support, flowers helps - it's all just a reminder of what you can't have - with no explanation.

I've always said - never celebrate a baby until you're holding it in your arms. There is no guarantee that you'll get to the end of the race - the prize can be gone in the blink of an eye.

No it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong but until you've walked in her shoes you couldn't possibly understand.

Hopefully one day she might open up and explain what she/they went through and why the family behaved like they did. Be thankful you only had a difficult birth x

Thanks for your perspective, and I'm sorry you had an awfully difficult time by the sound of it.

I understand as far as you can ever understand another person's experience; it must have been and still continues to be very difficult for SIL to be around me. What I am saying is it was hurtful to go from friends to be iced out in an extreme way, e.g. Spending the whole of family meals looking left into the kitchen of a restaurant, rather than right in the direction of myself the whole family. I just wish an explanation had been offered, or something handled slightly differently.

One thing in your post, and a few other similar posts, stick out to me. You say "be thankful you only had a difficult birth". Hmm, now I get the sentiment... But that is a very strange comment to make. Be thankful for the preeclampsia, constant vommitting, hyponatremia for me and baby, hallucination, rushing back to delivery as almost had a stroke, baby being rushed to Nicu, blood transfusions, etc. Etc.

I personally wouldn't say something to SIL like "well be thankful you've got a baby now", as it's very invaliding of her experience and unkind.

What has stuck me in some of these responses is how some people expect empathy and kindness for one situation, but cannot express the same for another. It's mumsnet hey hahaa.

Agree with you here Op