Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

I think the SIL is by marriage?

What you have written about the parents putting their daughter's feelings first was not the case in my experience so it's not 'always' the case.

I can understand her behaviour when you were pregnant, I went through years of pregnancy loss and infertility, and it tore me apart when anyone close to me got pregnant, and I found it very hard to see them. But it’s weird that she won’t talk to you now. I wonder if she feels embarrassed about how she behaved in the past and doesn’t know how to act around you now? I think it might be worth trying to talk to her and get to the bottom of it, and see if it can be fixed.

This. Pregnancy should be a happy time. SIL obviously was suffering - it must have been hard for her.

Not sure why OP cried to her midwife.

I think this is robot speak though. Yes in theory you can have a close relationship with someone for years and then decide overnight to cut them out of your life for whatever reason you may wish. But what you cannot then do is expect that person to not be hurt, confused and to reach out unless you communicate what's happening and why. Because sil did not communicate that she was stepping back.

Simply because you in theory can go nc with someone whenever you wish doesn't make the other person a mind reader. And even if you unilaterally decide that's where you are at, if you attend the same family event the other person is then damned if they do and damned if they don't try to be polite and say hello which is the normal social cue in that setting.

Obviously this is different when a family member or whoever is abusive, has behaved badly and is aware they are over stepping. But all the op did was dare to get pregnant. So while yes sil can do whatever she wants, she handled it awfully and she was cruel. Because icing out someone who is a good friend, who cares about you and who has done nothing wrong suddenly with no communicating or warning and then humiliating them in public by ignoring them, IS cruel and hurtful. You cannot expect op to be a robot in this, she's going to have feelings of hurt and anger and injustice and those are valid independently of the trauma and pain the sil was going through.

There is space to have compassion for sil while also having compassion for op.

I had this with a friend. I think it was a bit different because they just wouldn’t turn up to things if it was difficult (rather than being rude to your face) there wasn’t the same expectation about nephews and niece relationship either. Once they had their baby we slowly rebuilt without addressing what happened in words.

Now your BIL and SIL have had the baby have they offered your partner to meet the baby? Has he sent a private message or gift? I’d try and keep communication open and try not to bear a grudge. We all handle things differently and maybe one day they will apologise. Deffo talk to your MIL if you feel she won’t blow it out of proportion, for a bit of closure.

Posters saying SIL behaved 'appallingly' and saying it's unforgivable have very obviously not been through infertility or pregnancy losses. It's always people who are able to have the children they want that are the first to say 'well that's just life' and 'it's not a right to have a child'. If you want children and a family, not being able to – or thinking you might not be able to – is devastating.

Having suffered multiple losses while everyone around me seemingly had baby after baby it's a lonely and painful place. I now am lucky enough to have 2 wonderful children, 1 with SEN and health issues as a baby, turns out also at times a painful and lonely place. People behave badly when in pain. The weird competitive who will have the first grandchild things don't help.

I'm not saying she behaved in a reasonable way, I don't THINK I behaved like that towards anyone but could be blocking out some stuff I suppose. I also had the experience of friends who suffered late losses and stillbirth. I definitely took it very slowly telling them about my pregnancies and meeting them with babies.

Life's hard, things are painful, personally I like to keep the door open and allow people to change, especially where kids come I to things. That's unless they have been actively abusive, rather than just a bit weird and evasive. Up to you though, noone can tell you how to feel. I feel for both of you, noone ever tells you the complicated situations you can have with TTC not going to plan.

Also, I don't think it's unreasonable for the PIL to not be gushing about becoming grandparents in front of the SIL. That would be heartbreaking for her – it sounds like they were being sensitive. Surely they spoke to you about this at other times and expressed their joy?

If SIL found family events so traumatic that she couldn't speak to or even look at certain people (who had done nothing wrong!) then she should have had the decency to not attend.

This behaviour cannot continue and your in-laws should stop enabling her.
You need to focus on protecting your daughter who is now at an age where she will start to notice being shunned. You, as an adult are struggling. Imagine what it is like for a young child. Protect your child. Your husband, your child's Dad, needs to stand up for you, his partner and his child. Please don't let it fester any longer.

Drop the rope OP, dont let her upset you, move on and enjoy your daughter. Her loss.

So SIL can be upset and needs kid gloves, op should accept being treated like shit?

Probably because she was pregnant, tired, uncomfortable and her husband's family were behaving like utter dicks towards her.

Massive double standards on this thread. The OP is expected both to just have absorbed her SIL being a massive twat to her while she was pregnant and being rude to both her and her innocent child ever since, but now is expected to cut her some slack because poor wee SIL is exhausted as a new parent. Right. Shame the SIL didn't extend her the same courtesy isn't it, eh?

That's a massive assumption. Yes to pregnancy losses. I still wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like the SIL.

All this just sounds really really hard, for all concerned @TiredMummaChlo

Your pregnancy coinciding with SIL's losses and clear struggles with her mental health following those is unfortunate and I imagine family would have felt torn about how to respond. I don't really think it's unreasonable for them to have not made a big thing out of your pregnancy at events in front of BIL/SIL, as it would feel awfully insensitive, but then that's hard on you too. It feels like one of those situations where whatever people do, someone is going to be unhappy.

The way SIL handled it is also not good, but I wouldn't necessarily put it down just to envy. Multiple miscarriages are hard on the body, and going through that can bring up a lot of complicated stuff about not feeling good enough, your body letting you down, feeling like you are broken or defective in some way. It's not always logical and might not always make sense to others. Your place in the family can feel like it's being threatened when you can't have children and others can - will you be seen as having less value. Some who experience fertility problems fear their partners will leave them, or the family might even encourage that. That did happen to a friend of mine, her DH's family were pressuring him to leave her, it was horrible. She even thought at one point she should leave him. They didn't split up and they eventually had a wee boy. I guess what I'm saying here is, don't underestimate the psychological impact this could have had on your SIL, and why at that time a close relationship with you might have felt impossible. That's 100% about her response to what happened to her, and not about you.

That's not to say though that her actions weren't hurtful to you, and perhaps one day you'll be able to talk it through and move forward, and both of you might be able to see the other's perspective when it isn't so raw.

There are clearly no winners in this - and there are also two sides of the story. We are assuming the s’n’law’s behaviour was due to the pregnancy - maybe the op said or did something she was unaware had hurt the s’n’laws feelings over and above the act of getting pregnant.
Also, although ops husbands family did not talk about her pregnancy when the s’n’law was around … how about the other times? Did they never see the op without her s’n’law and talk about the pregnancy then? Because if the ops husband’s family never discussed the pregnancy that’s weirder than how the s’n’law is behaving considering her pregnancy losses.
Given the op is trying to talk to s’n’law I am guessing she wants this sorted and is capable /mature enough to be the bigger person (even though she should not have to) but hopefully speaking to m’n’law will help.

Her pain is huge and I am glad people showed her some sensitivity but your feelings matter too. Your family should have made space to celebrate your pregnancy and daughter away from your SIL, to make it normal and happy and nice for you, to reassure you that your pregnancy wasn't something to be ashamed of or guilty about and only seen in the context of how it made your SIL feel.

And it is downright cruel and nasty of her to ignore your child for 2 years as she has done: that she struggled so much to have a baby and went through so much hurt herself doesn't make it ok to behave that way to a child.

There are several posters who have experienced the devastation who agree that the SiL has behaved badly.

This

No excuse for shit behaviour for so long just because you were / are suffering.

I lived with my sister in parents house both were pregnant with me due 2 or 3 months before.

I went into labour at 6 months gave birth but baby girl did not survive more than a hour.

Obviously it was awfull for me especially living with my sister still pregnant and her giving birth a few months later but at no time did I ignore / treat her or badly

At least after all this time she & husband should be able to explain how she felt at the time and appoligise for ignoring you.
Leave them to it if not.

Speak openly about and you and yours anytime.

At the end of the day it was just pure jealousy.

Tbh I think that is harsh. Pregnancy loss cause real grief, even if many people don't understand it. To say it was "pure jealousy" is really undermining that.

I think there is little doubt she didn't behave well.

But what we are talking about is how to respond - with a bit of understanding and a willingness to let it go, or leap on her post partum and tell her how it is.

Actually I had multiple miscarriages over the 7 years it took me to have DS. I didn’t manage to have a much-wanted second. I never behaved anything like this, and do think it is appalling.

Bunnyotter1896 · Today 11:24
Her behavior is about her and her loss. She cant look at you or be close with you because she is hurting from her loss and seeing you pregnant must sting. In an ideal world she would have been able to be happy for you but her grief stopped her getting to that place. Thats forgiveable in my opinion. Life it too short to focus on the negative. Let it go for your happiness. For the cousins relationship. For the wider family. She didnt behave well but i dont think it was personal to you. It was because she was hurting. It wasnt deliberate. It was trying to cope.

nonsense. Are you saying @Bunnyotter1896 that you can be rude and cruel but as long as you have an “ah but..” everyone else has to dance around you and you can be as horrible as you want and tough luck to others, they need to accept it?

I feel for her OP, she obviously had some kind of breakdown. Don't take it personally. I don't think she treated you badly - it was more that ahe was in survival mode.