Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

Really?

I didn't see a "phew" moment at all.

I would, however, expect an adult to treat a small child/baby with a little more love.

I imagine @TiredMummaChlo is overjoyed at being an aunt and that her DD now has a cousin.
I know some the best times for me as a kid were messing about with my cousins just don't ask 😳 about the caterpillars or the pedalo

At no point does OP come across as insensitive to their losses.

ignoring people (and a child) at a family event to the point you just turn away from them when they are saying hello is treating them badly, yes.

and going openly NC just because they had a child is also treating them badly.
they have nothing wrong to be punished.

Approaching someone who clearly doesn’t want to talk to you and has made that perfectly clear multiple times is rude.

The baby is tricky however because most people wouldn’t want someone who cut them off to engage with their child, very much a can’t be arse with me don’t be arsed with my child.

people can cut off anyone they fancy for any reason they want. It’s not a punishment it’s just someone deciding they are not dealing with you anymore. Clearly sil couldn’t mentally handle ops pregnancy so she cut her off for her mental health. We don’t have to agree with it but she felt she needed to and that should still be respected that an adult wants nothing to do with you so you leave them alone.

I added that going NC - openly- just because someone had a baby is crazy and very very rude.
i can understand that people may want to privately keep a distance but OP has done NOTHING wrong by getting pregnant.
It does not justify this behaviour at all.

if you can’t muster a hello and couple of polite phrases towards someone who did nothing wrong you need to stay home.

This!

I agree with this. I'm imagining her looking away from you, as she may have feared bursting into tears. I suspect it was a coping mechanism for engaging in family events, rather than her being horrid.

I imagine she will always grieve her lost babies, so I think there's room for a little compassion though.

I do understand it was sad and hard for you not to be able to express your joy and get the support you needed though. It's a bit like illness or disability - grief doesn't just affect the person going through it xx

Don't be nuts. They're sisters-in-law. Speaking to someone at family gatherings, Christmas and so on, is NORMAL. It's not 'approaching someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to you.'

The SIL is the one being rude and nasty batshit, not the OP.

Op said she actively went and approached her. After the sil has also basically ran away from her.

Thats approaching someone who doesn’t want to talk to you.

So what sil should never go to a family gathering again because op will be there or op ends up not invited. I’m sure that would make events even better. Rather than just mutual distance.

So same goes for op and her partner and child now? They’ll be able to ignore sil and new baby and all run off whenever they come? (Not that I think op would be vindictive or self centred to do so)
and the sil and in-laws will be as supportive of op doing this as they were of sil?

If the SIL is going to blank the OP FOR NO GOOD REASON, then yes of course she should be the one to sit out family events. She's the one making it uncomfortable for everyone else FOR NO GOOD REASON.

OP, basically you should mentally write off your SIL as a rude and self centred person and just go NC with her on your side. 2 years on this behaviour is unhinged and I would never forget that, she showed you who she really is.

You don’t have to talk to her or your MIL to explain that. However. You need to read your MIL a riot act if they continue to allow her to shun YOUR CHILD at family events because of that, because eventually your child will start noticing that someone hates them for no reason. or if there is ANY sign of different treatment of your child and SIL child by MIL or PIL.

Not sure I could be bothered with this to this degree, however it sounds like she doesn't have the ability to come back around from earlier instances where she behaved in an anti-social manner (for understandable reasons), and is doubling down.

What did your original message say when you got pregnant about her having mixed feelings? Is there anything that she could latch on to in that in terms of opting to take offence (as 'evidence' to other family members)?

i had a good friend who didn’t invite me to her wedding when she found out I was pregnant and stopped speaking to me because she was having fertility issues. I have no advice but some people are strange and probably not real friends to begin with

Yes. It’s SIL’s problem.
So she should not go to family events if she can’t muster the absolute minimum level of politeness towards her SIL and niece (who may I remind you haven’t done anything wrong)

They're her parents, not yours. Parents are always going to be closer to their daughter than their son's wife. Sorry it's just the way it is.

No they're not. They are her parents in law.

There's an unpleasant tone to your contribution, and considering you've got the basic facts wrong, I think OP can safely ignore it.

I feel your pain OP. Several of my nearest and dearest had miscarriages around when I was pregnant. I could see that being around me caused them pain so kept everything hush hush. Only one completely cut me out, but she still did try, bless her, and got her husband to send me a baby gift. I think if SIL still can't face talking to you or your child, she needs to stop coming to family gatherings. It's so rude and I'm surprised no one has told her to stay away.

Quite! It’s sadly amusing when someone’s so desperate to get the bitchy boot in they’ve not bothered to read the actual info!
so if “they’re her parents not yours” was in fact true @CrouchEndTiger1 that’s an ok for the SIL to be the horror she is?

OP I think your in laws have not behaved at all well. I understand your SIL's grief but her reaction to your pregnancy was extreme and hurtful. As for you PIL's - they were extremely insensitive of your feelings and I think even at this stage having a word seems reasonable to me and it might help you to move on. I'm not sure your relationship with your SIL and BIL is salvageable though.

My own experience is that after my 9 month old DD died suddenly and unexpectedly within a few months 3 close friends were pregnant. I can't say it wasn't hard being around them at times and I cried quite a few times in private, but they were my friends and when in their company I made sure I was happy for them and that they knew it was OK to just talk naturally about their pregnancies.

In a subsequent pregnancy I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks when my sister was 16 weeks pregnant. Again it was really difficult watching my Dsis's pregnancy progress but I still tried to be positive and there for her and didn't want her to feel she had to tread on eggshells around me because of my loss.

I think people need to realise that everything is not always about them. Life is just not always fair and I think adults need to deal with that and just get on with it without pissing on someone else's fireworks.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc

That's not going to happen and your expectations are unreasonable, given the reality of her behaviour.

Stop approaching her. Whatever her reasons, she clearly wants no contact with you and it's time to let her be. Match that. You can't change it. You can ask your MIL if she knows why your SIL literally cuts you dead and runs away from you because it's disconcerting to be treated as non existent when you don't know what the problem is. But you might never know. I do think you need to discuss the treatment of your 2 year old in family settings and your husband is going to have to step up here.

You're dealing with a person with grief, ND, and having a young baby in the home. There might be some family favoritism involved and your husband might be a bit of a glass child.

I experienced something similar with a SIL (my exH's sister) but with a different outcome; she never did have her much longed-for baby, sadly. Also, my IL's were a bit more impartial (I remember one occasion when I was expecting dc1, SIL bit my head off at a family gathering and her mum just told me to 'ignore her'). Must have been a difficult position for them to be in.

I trod on eggshells around SIL throughout my 1st pregnancy but once our baby arrived, she became the most amazing aunt. My 2 (now young adult) sons adore her and used to love going to stay with her when they were young. I love my SIL and I was sad for her that she did not get to become a mum. I wanted her to be close to our children - and she is. SIL often visits my sons where they now live, and they visit her sometimes independently of me or their father.

Relationships, especially family relationships, can be difficult and they can be tested by life's struggles. And sometimes, hurt people hurt people. It doesn't make it right - it just is.

Whilst I felt for many years slightly hard done by that I had to keep my first pregnancy very low-key around my SIL at the time (and I really am not an attention-seeking kind of person at all) I felt that life was far too short to not try to bring my SIL into our children's lives and to just acknowledge and appreciate how tough a time she had during her years on fertility drugs, having miscarriages and the endless frustration of not being able to have the baby she so wanted.

It sounds as though you had a great relationship with your BIL & SIL before your pregnancy and that you miss that. We cannot change the past or the way that a person has behaved but you can forgive, you can acknowledge the heartbreak (I am sure that you do) and you can just accept that they dealt with it in the way that they did - rightly or wrongly.

In short: I would forgive them. You have far more to gain that way because your child will then have a lovely little cousin that they can grow up with and (hopefully) be close to. Life's too short to do anything else.

I hope it all works out well for you all and I hope they do approach you. If not, all you can do is try to talk to them first and take it from there. If they don't wish to have a relationship with you, at least you can always say that you wanted one and that you tried.

She's been horrible and so has BIL. Plenty of us have dealt with losses and managed not to be cunts to our family and ignore them for 2 years.

That being said, she's not your family really. She's your husband's family. If he's not man enough to have said something (calmly and politely) to anyone by now and make peace, it won't happen. I would avoid them as best possible going forward.

Post partum does not go how we expect, for any of us. It's a harder and much lonelier experience than anyone expects. And your DH will never fully understand.

For me I wouldn't be bothering with her him or their child at all.

They basically have shown you who thry are and what their values are.

It's sad but I'd rather pour my energy into other people. These guys want to know you when it suits them.

Congratulations on your baby girl.
I'm going to give you some perspective here this is not nice but seem to be true in my experience . Your mother in law will always put her daughter first and if she saw her as broken at the time of your pregnancy and felt she needed protecting she was doing what any mother would do . That does not excuse your SIL current behaviour ,she may be embarrassed or she may not know how to repair the friendship. She may also still feel resentment that you had a baby first . I understand why this is difficult but I have also been in your sil situation and I promise this is her problem not yours and not something you can fix .leave her too it and she will come to you or she won't either way non of this is your fault.

So I sympathise. No one has any right to take away someone else’s happiness. No one. It’s selfish and unkind.

Yea going through many losses is hard but that doesn’t mean the world stops or you can’t be happy for others (I have been there and I know).

You need to say something. Her experiences don’t make it okay to be rude, impolite and ignore you especially as you are family.

People can be sympathetic and then draw a line. Say something and then do the same.

Sounded more like.

Now they've had a baby maybe SIL will stop being such a ....