Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

You sound insufferable.

Wtf?

So? Doesn't mean it's okay to act like the world revolves around her and nobody else matters, only her feelings.

I lost a close friend when I became pregnant with my second child. She had only one and had tried for years to get pregnant. As soon as I told her she stopped speaking to me. I was upset but I accepted it. Some people can't get past their own pain to be happy for others. In that case having a close friendship with such people is just not worth it anyway. Let them go.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry you went through this 😔. That's incredibly tough as sounds like all the in laws were very much actively on board with treating your second pregnancy /child differently!

There is so so much of this I can relate to. Not only SIL, but other friends going through ivf, a friend who's partner decided he didn't want children, etc. I can really relate to the lonely feeling during pregnancy. We are social beings and it's hard for dynamics to change isn't it.

Thanks again for sharing.

Ugh, SIL sounds awful, refusing to even look at you. How childish! I lost my parents, whom I adored, much earlier in life than any of my peers or other family members, and I didn't refuse to talk to them or look in their direction!

Obviously miscarriages are dreadful, but if she hated your presence so much that she wouldn't even look in your direction, she should have just claimed illness and not gone to the events.

I would have a hard time getting past being treated like this, OP. I have had one family member (a cousin I was previously close to all our lives) and a lifelong friend treat me like absolute garbage during my parents' illnesses and my bereavement. I could not stomach them anymore, and we no longer have anything to do with each other, which was the healthiest thing for me by far. Sometimes the things people do are so hurtful the relationship can never be fixed.

Unfortunately this is an in-law, so I think you will just have to withdraw from her inside, as it were. You don't have to be friends with her. I guess you'll have to see each other on occasion, but you can really cut it down. Your husband can see his brother without you there as far as is possible. You can easily avoid each other at events. That cousin and I kept well apart at my dad's funeral.

I know it's hard, but I think you should just write her off in your mind and get on with enjoying your child. Try to forget about her. She's not worth it.

Sorry, it read as though they changed tack because she was in earshot. Maybe you know more?

To be brutally honest, some people's love and friendship simply isn't worth having, even if they are family.

BIL and his wife struggled to get pregnant, no miscarriages, it just wasn't happening for them. They had all the tests but nothing was 'wrong' so to speak, so they started IVF.

In contrast, I got pregnant at the drop of a hat. As soon as we announced I was having DD1 BIL & his wife went dark on us. Went out of their way to avoid us. No acknowledgement of her birth. Didn't attend DD's Ist birthday. Left her christening at the earliest opportunity. Wouldn't visit MIL if she was baby-sitting DD1. BIL also stopped meeting DH for a drink or to play golf.

DH was genuinely upset. They'd always been very close. He'd always been a great big brother, looked out for BIL and bailed him out financially once or twice. Always there for him.

Three years of radio silence from them, until the IVF finally worked. DH and I were the better people, sent flowers and visited in hospital even baby sat for them etc. But they'd shown us who they really were and frankly they weren't worthy of us.

I think you need to do whatever will make you be able to move on and let this go. I have been both the person trying for a baby with losses and the person pregnant while others close to be experienced infertility. I also had ivf and a traumatic birth for my child, so I feel I have some experience to be able to comment. You can choose to forgive your SIL and wider family for the way they treated you and your daughter or you can decide not to. There is no right or wrong and no point scoring system for who has had the worst times or behaved badly. Just real people with their own unique and difficult journeys. Everyone does the best they can at the time. To be happy ourselves we have to accept we can not control that and move on.

And today’s batshit award goes to…

😂😂😂

I think the SIL has arrived.

Also OP, your SIL has shown that she has no compunction about being nasty to a pregnant woman. You don't want to be friends with someone like that. Someone worth their salt would have tried hard not to let it show, or talked to you about their feelings, or skipped the events if she felt so bad she had to have her head turned away from you at all times. But instead, she was perfectly happy to cast a shadow over your pregnancy. That's really nasty.

And did your relationship with that closest friend heal? How did you feel about her and her child after your had your first?

Hahaaa

Dear OP,
First of all congratulations on your beautiful 2 year old girl. Im sure you love her to the Moon and back and Dad is doting on her.

This is raw because its happening now with SIL and you are being retraumatised. (Im a Counselling Student by the way.)

What you experienced at the hands of your Brother and Sister in Law was trauma. Firstly the loss;
You were family, friends, social companions, they shunned you and Hubby. They shunned your beautiful new Child.

Let me be clear, Autism is a Spectrum, 1 person with ASD is 1 person with ASD, no two react the same. Empathy is not lost on Autists, no stereotypes exist.
Your Sister in Law chose to behave in a selfish, rude, jealous dismissive way to your news initially, then as time went on they stuck with those thoughts and you three as a Family were erased, it was disgraceful way to treat Family.
Life is life, there is no rule book, you didn't need to wait until SIL had her 1st baby before you! Life doesn't work like this...

As children we learn turn taking, as children we learn we are not always the winner, the 1st, the receiver of the toy or 1st on the slide or swing. This teaches us for adulthood.
As adults, its not always "our time". As adults we know we need to wait our turn, to have grace and gratitude and hope, love in our hearts and to have the patience to know "our time too will come".
Ive always lived this way and Ive had pregnancy loss and successfully have a loving beautiful Boy who has ABI (acquired brain injury) Non Verbal with complex medical needs.

I have been treated as you have announcing pregnancy. I too made time to personally reach the intended to "gently" break my Pregnancy to her, she chose to shout out loud at me and run from me crying in a Shopping Mall having coffee, ledt me sat on my own.
Time has moved on and this Lady still has the same issues whether it be me booking a holiday, having a Wedding Album (as they did!) getting a rug, new jewellery, a Birthday Party, haircut, aquiring a Car etc etc yet I don't expect her praise or reaction, I am happy with my achievements and I thank God (Im a Christian) for my blessings and I continue to be myself, which includes letting her show me her successes and gains. I am complimentary and super excited for People, I am a lover of People doing well and I accept that its not always my turn. I won't let someone elses reactions change me as a person.

It is extremely hurtful that your beautiful child was ignored and was side stepped whilst others chose not to join in the beauty & blessing that is a new baby arriving.

She also had trauma, the baby loss is brutal I know this.
Though not everyone will act as she did.
I didn't, in fact I remember it was my friend with her new baby whom I invited to mine for a little baby shower who cried her eyes out when I told her I had miscarried.
I was coping on my own way and I was happy for her and so delighted her wee Boy had a brand new Sister.
She is still a best friend.

Life is Life, no rules no laws in births and deaths its all unknown.
Initial reactions sometimes are knee jerks, yet to have time pass and they chose to null and void you for two and half years and your beautiful daughter too, its not acceptable behaviour.

It really will be you and your Hubby who on acknowledging the birth of their child (you can do so with a card and a gift and you do not have to rush to do so) how close you get to their Family.
Your BIL essentially dropped his own Brother and his first born, to me its unthinkable. Jealousy did that. A little person here was innocent and their life was completely null and void to them, its a huge deal.

Treat others as you see fit. They did the unthinkable to you and you owe nothing to them, yet I know you will acknowledge the baby and do the right thing as you experienced how hurtful that was and we don't retaliate, the new child is innocent and a beautiful blessing.
Family occasions you can meet, pass yourselves, be polite, as you said this will never be what it once was and thats ok.
When People Show you who they are you need not ask them twice.

Your immediately circle is your most important Family from now and forever.

All your feelings are valid and Im so very sorry you were treated this way. No matter what, Shine your light so that others may see it and find their way.
Were not hising your daughter under a bushell, she is here, she was born into this world to shine, grow, flourish, The Adults who didn't support this were entirely wrong and she shouldn't have suffered a poor reception into The Family.

People should be evolved enough to know its not always their turn.

Hugs from Ireland.

K.

what @Twinkletopz says
Compassion is the way
and bear in mind, for the people answering here, onMUMSnet, by it’s very name are likely to be mothers and may not have reached the end of hope in their journey to become mothers.
Let your child grow up with their cousin, family closeness is unique and at this point no one knows if either child will be blessed with a sibling.
Enjoy your beautiful chil, @TiredMummaChlo

'I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc.'

What do you actually want from them? No one has to acknowledge your daughter. They send cards but they aren't required to be a big part of your daughters life. That's quite self centred. It's obviously hurting them a lot because of grief, so just let them be and get the family relationships from other members of your family.

I’d ignore them back. For good. Ignorant bastards.

Falling out with your family isn't "trauma" FFS. What are they teaching counsellors these days? Are you getting your psychology from TikTok and ChatGPT? Judging by the weird use of capitalisation, I'm guessing you don't get a reading list or have to write anything!

You have been treated appallingly, show them this thread, all of them, they need to see it for what is. You deserve apologies from everyone and I don't normally think this but I would keep a bit of a distance, they don't care about you or your child so why care about them. SIL needs to learn that sh*t happens in life to everyone, it is NOT your problem if you have something they don't. Their parenta sound like they've enabled this behaviour all her life autism or not. No excuse whatsoever, if shes a mam know what sort of example is that for her kid.

Your SIL is a bitch. Some people just are I'm afraid. You don't need people like that in your life.

You’re not a nice person and you don’t even have the excuse of being ND.

Sorry but you would not know how you would react if the shoe was on the other foot, I had 4 back to back miscarriages and it was the worst part of my life, I was seeing pregnant women everywhere, my brother announced 2 babies in that time, I couldn't meet or look at my nephews when they where born, it was nothing to do with the pregnant women or the babies, I was protecting myself from hurt, go easy on her pregnancy loss is awful and it's not a club anyone would like to be in.

The SIL is not the daughter of OP's MIL.

OP mentioned that her DH's brother had not been there for him when OP had a difficult birth. Therefore, it's the two husbands that are brothers, while OP and the SIL are the ones who married them. So OP and SIL are both DILs to the MIL.

It's a pity that BIL and SIL didn't just spend their time with SIL's family, if she couldn't bear to be around OP.