Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

Can he take out a business loan ? I feel like he probably should have done that at the start of his leave instead of you becoming the 100% contributer.

So you are carrying your husband, emotionally and financially, and carrying your baby (or does he do all the caring and housework?) and now you wonder if that is not enough and you need to try and work more hours/new job asap?

why is all the pressure on you?

Why does he get to decide that right now what he wants is really important, and whatever it is you want will not even come into question your job is just to support HIM ?

Agree op. What is his big plan if you can’t find a job? He needs to get over himself and look for a job. This isn’t even about being resilient here, it’s about the roof over your head.

You are asking the wrong question of yourself OP.
It’s not a question of should I be more resilient, rather a question of should we both be more financially realistic. The answer is yes.

You should have been doing the figures and realising there is no incline coming in with no savings to fall back on, and furthermore, that the investment he seeks and expects, has to very quickly pay off and generate even more income …with absolutely no sign that that is going to happen. What then ?

@NurtureGrow We’ve been talking this morning and he has given me some dates in February when various funding should come in.

I don't like the "should" in that sentence - so he still has no guarantee that any funding will actually be coming in? When will he know for sure how much is arriving, and when? Is he just going to wait until the end of the month and see what materialises?

Starting up a business can be very stressful. It's not great that you guys didn't discuss how you survive until the money started coming in. But even when the money starts coming in it's important to build up a war chest so you can weather the lean times, don't forget about saving to pay the tax bill - cash flow is the thing that causes most businesses to fail. And then when the money issues are not giving you grief it's time that becomes the precious commodity. Evening, weekends and family holidays can evaporate. And employing people, can be a total nightmare - avoid if you can.
So yes you need to be more resilient because it's likely this is not the end of the stresses that will hit you both.

About half of all startups are no longer trading after three years. Starting a business is risky.

You can't say too much about his business model but what concerns me is that your husband is burying his head in the sand with his domestic finances (using up your money faster than intended) and is likely to be doing the same with his business finances? He needs someone to help him cut through the fog of "if we can just get through this, then the business will take off and everything will be fine" and understand that since he isn't paying himself, the business is not really viable at the moment and given your household financies, really drastic action is needed (maybe closure). Could you seek out a business mentor to discuss his business with because it sounds like he needs someone with much more of a business head to talk some sense to him.

While you are draining your savings dry and he is waiting for funding, what exactly is your DH doing all day and night?

If he won't start developing his product until after he has funding, then why can't he find some evening work to top up the family finances until something comes through?

Successful people start businesses and work 80+ hour weeks to get them through the start up period which can go on for years.

He isn't working at a job.
He isn't working on his business according to you as he is just waiting for someone else to pay him to do it.

So what exactly has he been doing for the past few months, while you carry the strain of raising a young child and paying the bills?

How much faith do you have in a man who gave himself no runway to keep a roof over his own head or food in his mouth, never mind his own wife and childs at all?
He couldn't even plan to put away enough savings to help with one months bills?

If there is one sentence l hate its: the investment is coming! And l speak as someone who is married to a man who started a few businesses..some successful/ some not. Living on dreams is hugely nerve-wracking and can destroy a marriage. My dh had a good professional degree and always worked part-time when starting up and as a teacher my salary was pretty secure. But your dh is depending too much on you and being a new mother is responsibility enough without being the sole bread winner too. You will become resentful very soon as exhaustion hits.
I think you need to get tough. He needs a part-time job at the very least. You are expecting too much from yourself smiling at your wonderful entrepreneur while your bank account is empty!!
You could lose your home.
What is his family like? Is his Dad a business owner as l found my dhs parents too supportive of his dreams and would have likedthem to say: get it together man!

If he has no income coming in and you only have enough money for the next few months assuming you are in the UK why haven't you made a claim for UC. It's not going to solve all your problems but you can't live on fresh air

Also as someone else suggested you need to get some advice about your redundancy - whether your company had the right to make you redundant while you were on maternity leave

This isn't about resilience. It's about being able to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head

Agree. Being self employed is not for the feint of heart. The start up period is not the end of the tough times.

Surely UC will expect the DH to get a job. Then they don't have to live on fresh air or benefits and can fund their own family.

It’s not about resilience. It’s about reality. You don’t have any money- his business (like all start ups) is precarious. You’re not being unsupportive or making a judgement if you ask him to get a job.

You can be self employed and claim UC particularly during the first year of business when the minimum income floor isn't applied - if he doesn't get a job in the short term given that they are running out of money - then what?

Will you be entitled to claim benefits in the country you live in, if you can’t find a job?

The other thing is have you got childcare in place if you did get a job? You’ll be equally stuck without childcare as without an income.

Just remembered OP mentioned being in another country so UC may not even be a possibility. But one would hope he wouldn't have strung this out without any kind of safety net at all if the funding doesn't materialise, that would be madness.

What's done is done, unfortunately your plans (as such) were overtaken by events outside your control. While it might be his dream, his business may have to go on the back-burner for a while. Now you have to make the most of what you have and secure an income. Have you looked into claiming JSA while you look for work? If necessary, he can look after your child for you to return to work. Which of you is more likely to find work quickly? Really, this is a conversation you should have with him, not here on MN

I think she said if I'm right that she was in a different country from family - maybe she will clarify. Doesn't really sound like there's any safety net money wise. She said they have one months money left and that's pretty much it - so the situation is precarious. OP if you are in the UK you really need to look at making a joint claim for UC as soon as possible if you or he don't find work as soon as possible. You have one months money left? What are you going to do when that runs out?

Fundraising is very, very time consuming.

But they currently have one month's money left. It doesn't matter how hard he's working trying to get funding. The bills need paid

You really have landed in a precarious financial situation though. Two adults, salary nil, bills to pay mouths to feed.

How are you going to meet your bills between you?

No, HE needs to be more resilient, accept that circumstances have changed, and find some paid employment immediately. He can start his business alongside it or postpone it until finances are more secure.

This. People keep suggesting OP ‘gives him 12 months’, but they have no money after this month.

OP’s DH does not have a business. He has a business plan, that is not a business (yet).

If this was the other way round, everyone would be clapping and cheering your desire to set up a new business and piling in on the husband for whining about not wanting to work 5 days a week. So yes, you need to be more resilient. It's nobody's fault that you were made redundant but it is what it is. It would be crazy to stop the set up process of his business now when he has already started.

We'd expect a man to support a woman. Why don't we expect a woman to support a man?