To feel the loss. Twinless twin

[Chickencuddle]

I was born an identical twin. My twin passed away a day after we were born. Im not sure if its because I dont really have many people in my life and no family really. But I always felt there was a nice of me missing and I wish she could have been hwre. When things are hard I think if her. I feel a bit guilty too that im the one who lived.
Am I totally crazy?
Is anyone else a twinless twin.

Meant to say *piece of me missing

You’re not crazy. I’m so sorry you never got to grow up with your twin, I cannot imagine the guilt you’d feel over being the one that survived, despite it not being your fault.

I actually think it’s nice that you think of her, and what she would have been like.

at school I knew identical twins who had been triplets. And I know they felt like this too. So no you are not crazy.

She was never really spoken about I was told about her once when I was told about her. I remember being told and the next day in school being upset abd telling my teacher I was sad because my sister died.
The teacher spoke to my mum and I got in trouble because I shouldn't be upset it didnt even happen to me and I was just wanting attention as usual. So I never spoke about her again really. But As an adult I found the grave and visit and may flowers. I often wish she was here and feel the empty space next to me.

I obviously didnt explain it well and my mum was embarrassed I think that she had to explain.

I'm so sorry, @Chickencuddle , you are neither unreasonable nor crazy.
I'm not a twin, but mum to identical boy twins, and I see every day that, although they are each a whole person in their own right, they are also each part of a greater whole.
When you were first conceived you were a single embryo and divided into two. You were literally part of each other. Of course you feel the loss of your twin. That doesn't mean you can't live well and have a happy life as a surviving twin, but it is a loss, and you aren't wrong to feel it that way.

Yes, I had a brother who did not survive, I’ve always felt like something was missing. I have twins myself now, and my husband is also twin.

Im so sorry for your loss. Every time I got pregnant I wished for twins. Maybe thinking it could heal that part of me. But it never happened.

Thank you so much for the replies and the understanding. It helps.

I’m so sad for your loss 💐
I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to feel sad.

It actually hurts my heart reading this. I’m so sorry you’ve felt a piece of you has been missing all your life and for how you didn’t get the chance to speak about it when you were young.

I can only imagine feeling the same way

This is heartbreaking OP. I know your mum must have been dealing with the grief herself but you are allowed to grieve just as much. It sounds like your mum couldn’t handle anyone else’s pain in addition to her own.

Your feelings have always been valid and i’m sorry you grew up thinking they weren’t. She was your twin sister. Sending hugs and so much healing xx

I am so sorry for your loss.

Rather than feeling guilty, can you try and reframe things in your head? You need to live life to its fullest for both of you. Then every day you make the most of will be a tribute to your sister.

That’s sad. I’m sure there must be some psychological research papers about babies who lose their twin at birth or in the womb that could help you pin point how you’re feeling and why.

I’ve read a lot about adoption and there’s a theory that is pretty common where people feel something is missing, a yearning feeling and a sense being out of place even if the person doesn’t know they are adopted. It’s to do with the mother / child bond being broken. People seem never to quite be completely happy, even if they’ve gone on to have wonderful loving parents and brilliant childhoods if they were removed from their birth mother when tiny. It must be something like that. Natural. Not your choice to feel the way you do, and very understandable.

DD2 told me there is a support group for bereaved twins online.

I think there is a charity that supports twinless twins. Twin here too, I am sorry for your loss and the life and relationship you might have had.

https://www.ataloss.org/more-info/bereavement-services/twinless-twins

https://lonetwinnetwork.org.uk/

I think it’s likely that at least part of your sense of loss is from it not being well handled by your parents, and your complicated feelings being dismissed. I’m sorry, OP.

I'm not a twin but I am a mom to identical twin baby boys who died two years ago. My little 1st twin was born sleeping and my second boy died three days later in the NICU.

What you are feeling is pure love and loss for your sister. Are you part of footprints twin loss group on facebook? It's private and They welcome all types of twin loss. You will meet like minded people there. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

My mums twin died at birth and she always said the same.

I’m a twin less twin. We were identical and I thrived and she didn’t in utero. I always feel like I killed her even though it was unintentional etc
she died and both twins were delivered. I also feel a huge sense of sadness and loss I truly believe my mother treated me differently as well as a result - a mix of blame that I didn’t enable my twin to thrive too and gratefulness that I survived and she didn’t lose both.

I am so sorry that your parents handled it like this.

I am the mother of a twinless twin, and of course her sister.

Angel DD was born late enough to be identified as a girl but too early to be registered and the focus was on making sure DD made it. So she was never named.

I told DD about her sister when she was about 7 and she asked what her name was. I had to explain that she didnt have one, so DD named her. Her name is Mary. DD thinks of her on her birthday, as of course do I and we both feel that loss. She said to me at her graduation that she felt the loss very keenly that day. Its not a daily thing but she does feel that there is someone missing.

In short, YANBU. DD told me that she has met other twinless twins since starting uni and working in schools, you really are not alone xx

Oh I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little boys xx

DS 1 is a twinless twin, and I wasn't even aware until my identical twins were born that was the case. Apparently at his birth it became apparent thst he had had a twin that had died during the second trimester but had not caused a miscarriage at the time. This was in the early 1980's before regular scans were very the norm. During the whole pregnancy I didn"t have a scan.
When I gave birth to my twin boys, one of the midwives was reading my records and told me, I was shocked at the time, but the apparent "illness"that I had during the pregnancy made sense then plus the panic during his birth, and why all these medical students traisped in to look at the "afterbirth".
DS 1 is aware but never really says anything about it, I think he is a little envious of the close rrlationship his twin brothers have.