To feel the loss. Twinless twin

[Chickencuddle]

I was born an identical twin. My twin passed away a day after we were born. Im not sure if its because I dont really have many people in my life and no family really. But I always felt there was a nice of me missing and I wish she could have been hwre. When things are hard I think if her. I feel a bit guilty too that im the one who lived.
Am I totally crazy?
Is anyone else a twinless twin.

And also there’s a fair chance your mum was told to be grateful for what she has, when she actually felt devastated.

It’s very sad to read the impact it had on your relationship with her.

And of course yanbu you grew in the womb with your twin, and then she wasn’t there.

You spent 9 months as close as possible to her. It makes sense that part of your brain would yearn for her. And there may be Facebook groups dedicated to this if you want others who have been through similar.

My twin sister was still born. 56 years ago. I still think about her on big birthday's (21st, 40th) . Agree it feels like a bit of me is missing. Sending hugs x

Dd2 is a sole surviving non identical twin - we knew during pregnancy that her twin had a lethal heart defect; She lived for 24 hours. It was very traumatic but we had time to mourn for her before she was born. Then at 3 weeks dd2 nearly died from very severe bronchiolitis.

I always feel that she has double the personality - which was a bit challenging as a toddler. We're very lucky that we have four beautiful surviving children. Spme years it gets to me on the day she died, other years less so. Dd2 is 30 now,

I'm sorry you feel your twin's loss so much. I'm sure talking about it on here on in real life may help. It's hard for parents to know what to do - back in the day people didn't talk about it as much. I always find writing it down cathartic.

Much love x

It does help to know others are the same as sad as I am dor them too.
Im so sorry for your loss.
My mother is dead now. Im in my 30s. I never spoke to her or got answers for things.
Im sure it was very hard for her. I have sympathy for her as well as sadness and honestly anger at the way I was treated. (Another story)

YANBU. This loss would be recognised in Family Constellations work, if you feel like looking that up. Whereabouts in the country are you? I might be able to put you in touch with someone

I’m a therapist and remember a client saying the same, like it’s always felt as though something has been ripped away from them and a part of them is missing. They didn’t even know they had a twin that died in utero when they articulated feeling like this.

My father was the same situation as you. My mother used to say how he was always "half somewhere else" because his twin was missing.
He was a lovely man but he was a bit disconnected sometimes which is why my mum used to say that.

There's also going to be the effect of your parents grief, they lost a child but also had another child to raise, and it would have been bittersweet in the worst possible extremes.

My Aunt was a twinless twin but my Nan didn't even mention it to her till she was in her 20s and she never felt that something was missing before or after and I suspect that not knowing was a big factor in that.

I always wonder with my parents what was their personality before this tragedy happened. Would they have hated me anyway because they grew up in the scapegoat/golden child dynamic? My brother is golden child, and my parents were in their origin family dynamics too.

It’s so hard to know. But I try to accept it for what it is. I make a donation to Child Bereavement UK every year on our birthday. makes me feel a little better.

Sending love to you OP and all of you who have experienced this sort of loss. We have twins in the family too, very precious. Xxxx

OP, I just wanted to tell you as a grieving mum that it is possible your mum's loss and trauma affected her ability to bond with you and probably most of her other relationships. Of course I can't speak for her, but believe me this is possible. I'm sure this had nothing to do with you or with the fact she prioritised your lost twin in any way. Grief can wreck havoc on women's mental health, particularly if it's associated with their children. I hear you and your feelings and questions are valid and meaningful, but please don't feel she didn't love you. It's far more likely she had her own battle and struggled to express her feelings

Sending you lots of love.
You sound great, and your pain, loneliness and confusion is completely understandable.
You sound very very well adjusted considering hos messed up your mother was towards you.

Im grappling with your comment. Part of me thinks...hmm maybe I am attention seeking. It wouldnt surprise me really as I didnt get any attention as a child. I was dismissed and felt unloved. I now work in a school and see children from unfortunate backgrounds can be a bit attention seeking. But I see it differently as I have been through it myself. I see it as desperately needing love and also dealing with things they shouldn't be dealing with they will often be more emotional at little things. Due to their emotional cup overflowing. I feel sad for them and I give them the attention they want or need. Even though I know its not enough to fill the hole they have at home.
Now as an adult I have feel alone and like a cant relate to alot of peopke who had a normal childhood and think about how lovely it would be to have my twin with me. Someone qho understands me and lives me and gets me. I feel sad and I wonder what my life would look like. I feel guilty that I survived and she didn't. Why me? Maybe she would have been better.
I dont speak to people about it in real life and I recently visited the gravestone and felt so very sad. As you said it happened a long time ago and I think to myself yoh dont remember it so why do you feel like this. But I do. So I posted on here to see if my feelings were warranted or understandable. To stop second guessing myself. Knowing others have been through the same and felt as I do comforts me in a strange way. Im not alone.
After thinking about it all I dont think im unreasonable but thank you for your comment because it made me think about it all deeply and wonder and come to this conclusion. So thank you for your honesty. I hope you have more compassion in your day to day life and I hope you find some peace within yourself as you seem like a very angry person.

I wonder if your missing part you feel is actually rather a lack of maternal affection. Perhaps your mother was grieving so much that you felt it too.

I felt like my mother hated me
She was emotionally abusive and did other things which indont know what category it would fall under but I know it was wrong. She loved my brother so much. They were always hugging and she would say lovely things about him (despite his bad behaviour at school and home...vandalising bullying etc) and always negative horrible things about me. Ive felt the loss of a mother too. Its hard for me to describe but I still feel in my 30s like I desperately want a mother....just not my mother. Or I would have loved to go back in time and have her love me. Thats all I wanted. But it does feel different to this.

That sounds so hard to have lived with such suppressed, strong emotions, you need to speak in some sort of therapy about this. Your mum didn't handle her grief well, not many could x

I’m really sorry you’ve been through this. I understand that feeling of wanting a mother figure, just not your mother. It’s such a painful, complicated grief. A book that really helped me make sense of those feelings is Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel. I found it incredibly validating and eye opening.

And please, try to ignore the person above who called you attention- seeking. That’s their projection, not your truth. They’re possibly a character like your mother, and desperate to get at you as they see you as an easy target.

I have just started therapy for a number of reasons but finding it hard to fit into life and also hard emotionally. My mother is dead now. She died age 54. We never spoke about things. She didnt protect me from other abuse from other people either. I feel sorry for her now I have my own children and what she went through but I went through alot because of her too as a child. I lost my childhood really. So I still feel angry tbh too and sad. Constantly think what did I do wrong.

Thank you fo saying that and for your recommendation. Ill look into it.

You dealt with the unkind comments very graciously and I hope you don't dwell on the things that were said. You don't come across as attention seeking and best wishes with the therapy. I hope it helps.

I absolutely believe that you can miss a twin,.even one that didn't survive past infancy or in utero.

There is a documentary about 3 triplets who were separated at birth by adoption to different families and they all sensed the loss of each other, despite having no memories of the others. It may be Netflix. Can't remember where I saw it. It's a sad story.

I’m so sorry xx.

I’m sorry OP. Your post struck a nerve with me because I’m not a twinless twin but my son is. We had to terminate his twin because they had serious incompatibility with life problems/illness in the womb..

He’s 9 now but I think he is more Interested in twins than most people are. When I see twins I still feel sad at what could have been,

hugs to you xx

You handled that better than I would have OP, what an absolutely vile human that poster is, please don’t give anything they said a second thought

I hope you’re ok, I have no experience of your kind of loss but it’s sounds painful and complicated. After everything you have been through you sound like a lovely, kind and thoughtful person. Sending you lots of love on your grieving journey ❤️