AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

I have 4 kids. My second eldest is 5, he is a school refuser. Getting him dressed for school is like wrestling an alligator, he does finally get in, but is late most days. He is awaiting assessment for AuADHD.
My eldest has no issue, 3rd youngest no issue.

All these comments from PPs saying they knew someone years ago who didn’t go to school. But what are the % of then compared to now. That’s the issue.

The phrase “refuser” makes my skin crawl. Sounds ridiculous.

If you count the kids not going to school, all the kids mentioned in threads in “crowd control” type schools, kids in threads with MH problems and SEN, makes you wonder how we’re going to function as a society in 20 years time!

Less competition for jobs for the well rounded capable kids I suppose!

Do be quiet. Your lack of empathy is what's ridiculous

@Idontunderstandmodernlife
It existed, you clearly just weren't aware of it.
My son was a school refuser 10 years ago, he's 19 now. His needs weren't being met at school, his mental health was being severely damaged every time he went in, so oddly enough he couldn't bring himself to go in some days, he did an entire month once. He went to an amazing High School who completely changed things for him, his attendance jumped to 99.7% immediately. He went to 6th form college who were utterly shite and not meeting his needs, it dropped again and he would refuse to attend at least one day most weeks.
He's now at university, with perfect attendance.
My parenting skills and ability remained the same throughout. He remained the same person throughout. The setting made the difference.

I agree with this. That was just nicking off.

When were classes much smaller? My classes were actually bigger than my DCs classes. Used to have up to 35 in junior school.

In my opinion, EBSA (Emotionally Based School Avoidance) is very real. As a parent who has lived through it, I can honestly say it is both horrendous and heartbreaking. What makes it even harder is when people dismiss it or misunderstand what it really looks like in practice.

One of my four children, who showed absolutely no signs of difficulty before Covid, really struggled when schools returned to normal afterwards. Initially he went back without issue, but he began vomiting on Monday mornings. Over time, this escalated until he was vomiting every single morning before school. The most distressing part was that he wanted to go to school and couldn’t understand why his body was reacting this way.

At first, we assumed it was a medical problem. He saw numerous professionals and underwent extensive tests, but everything pointed to severe anxiety and low mood. He began to struggle with eating, lost a significant amount of weight, and became suicidal because he couldn’t even leave the house to do things he actually wanted to do. We invested heavily in different types of therapy, hoping to address the issue early, but nothing made a real difference at that stage.

Throughout this time, we worked closely with the school, who were incredibly supportive and did everything they could to help him attend. Some days he could manage an hour, some days an afternoon, and some days he simply couldn’t get through the door. On his first day of secondary school, he vomited three times outside the gates trying to go in.

It took three years of advocating for him before he was able to access appropriate medication for his anxiety and depression and engage properly with therapy.

Medication was the turning point and allowed him to regain some sense of normality. He was later diagnosed with ASD (two of his siblings are already diagnosed), and it’s believed that the time away from school reduced the pressure of constant masking. Returning to the full demands of school life was simply overwhelming for him.

My other three children have attended school full time without issue, which I think clearly demonstrates that this is not about parenting, permissiveness, or children 'getting away with it.' EBSA is not a choice, and it is not a lack of boundaries. It is a genuine mental health difficulty that requires understanding, patience, and appropriate support.

Of course you can choose.

Train to be a teacher -> a school environment most of the time.

Train in horticulture-> being outside with nature generally

The other major difference between school and the real world for many, is that at school you keep being asked to do stuff that is hard that you can't do, whereas in work most employers actually want employees to be able to do the tasks they are set.

I was in composite classes all the way through primary school. Classes were massive. Was in a class with the year above me until primary 7

But you don’t know that at all DS before and after doesn’t necessarily tally with someone you would think would and he did very much hide it when he was there and didn’t want me telling people much about it either

Of course I'm not advocating it. I'm just saying, children will avoid the scarier thing. For me, my father was scarier than school, so that's what I chose. I didn't feel there was a choice really. That is definitely not a good thing. Home was okay most of the time though, as my father was most often at work. However, I did promise that I would leave a man who behaved as my father did and not allow my children to experience anything like that. I was out of home at 17.

The best place for help is 'not fine in school'. It saved my dd.

Have you read what people with experience of this have been writing here?

For what it's worth I'm sure you would have admired my parents' attitude. Our house was full of boundaries and we didn't dare try to refuse school or anything we were told. There was certainly none of this pandering to children's needs that's apparently destroying society. It all looked so good from the outside.

The truth is this kind of parenting has completely fucked us up, both my brother and me. Society would have got far more out of us without those kind of boundaries. What a waste.

You have to take time off obviously

Well again, it doesn't achieve the objective. A person fucked up by school / a person fucked up by home because it had to be such a scary place to make it scarier than school so the child would go (!) / a person fucked up by both. Still a hopeless result. Physically getting a child into school is only a part of the battle.

No. He would not go to school . He said he did not want to.
Parents knew he was not going. He refused to go. What do you do to make a teenager get up , dress and get to school of they simply won’t cooperate?
After a while they gave up as they were late to work every day otherwise. He would then go out with his mates.

Doesn’t look good does it?!?

I'm in the same situation with my female partner. Her daughter (14) knows she has the power. I swear I want to strangle me a little person.

To be frank, it all comes down to punishment. We aren't allowed to properly discipline children. Social governments have taken the right to punish and dole out consequences.

You are stuck. Your future child will suffer and you will have to be stronger. We are stuck with a generation of children destined to be shit adults. Welcome to the new age.

Oh no doubt that’s what they are all after!!

Actually, I've turned out pretty well and lived life very differently since I left home. I've also parented extremely differently from my parents and have children with fond memories of childhood as a result. I am most definitely not fucked up.

Now that my parents are getting older and starting to want care and help, they've made it very easy for me to set boundaries with them though. I just have to remember the boundaries they set with me.

It worked? My experience was it didn't work to actually solve any problems. Just teaches a child to get better at hiding what they're doing. Our father used that kind of behaviour on us and it most certainly didn't turn us into well-rounded, productive human beings. We do not treat our children like that and they are such an improvement on my brother and me at the same age.

I think plenty of people are angry about … after all, we are the ones stuck footing the bill

What are you talking about? The poster said that people whose kids are at school are lazy, I replied and said, no those people are usually working. Try reading it again, maybe your lack of school attendance is an issue after all.

You clearly need to develop a better imagination. My children are far better behaved than my brother and I were. We have certainly never hit them or abused them the way my father did but they are most definitely disciplined.