AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

Maybe you are just an enabler 🤷🏻‍♀️

Always the minority that expect the majority to bend over backwards for them!!

I can assure you that 15 years ago there most definitely were school refusers. In fact, over 20 years ago I was regularly working closely with school refusers and their families (& the school) in my role as an Education Welfare Officer.
There were many reasons why the children were refusing to go to school, and some of the reasons were heartbreaking. Neglect, Munchausen by Proxy (now FDIA), bullying, traumatic events within the family. There were children who were Neurodiverse (but back then were often seen as badly behaved & no diagnosis), children who came from very deprived socioeconomic backgrounds, those who couldn't speak English, some were embarrassed because they knew their hygiene was poor but for various reasons it wasn't an easy fix etc.

It was very rarely as straight forward as the child saying "I'm not going to school", & the parent replying "ok".

I went through a period of school refusing when I was 12/13 because I was being bullied and humiliated by a specific teacher, and that was nearly 35 years ago!

I hope some of that helps broaden your understanding of a very complex situation.

It’s short sighted not to spend money on SEN.

Without early intervention, SEN and ND kids grow into adults who are far more likely (30-40%) to be unemployed. They will also cost the NHS more in mental health support and things like alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s not a stretch to say that the reason these figures are so high is because adults who are currently at working age had unsupported needs growing up. Maybe if the children currently in infant school have their SEN and ND needs better met, we will see unemployment rates, suicide rates, addiction rates etc drop when it’s their turn to be of working age.

Life is much faster paced / there are much higher expectations with work output than two or three generations back. SEN and ND individuals could cope better then without support than they can now.

My son was a school refuser to a degree and it’s because his needs were not being met in mainstream. He has send and it caused him so much trauma. Myself I was a school refuser once in secondary. I was sent to a psychologist an diagnosed as depressed. I bunked off school most days from year 8 upwards, forged sick notes and never
ever got caught. Now as an adult I realise I am neurodivergent too and that’s why I struggled so much in mainstream school. My son is at secondary now and I can make sure he arrives at school each morning and school are on it with children who are absent. That didn’t really exist in the 90s. I had a few kids in my school who rarely came/were often off and one boy literally jumped the school fence most days as he hated being there.

We just bunked off. That's all there is to it.

I think it's always been difficult but the tone of the public discussion is making LAs bolder in their law breaking.

To be fair to the LA, it was the government who forbade them from opening schools where they were needed.

It's a catastrophic failure of planning all right but if you think SEN kids and their parents have CAUSED it then words fail me.

Maybe you just don’t have a damn clue? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not meeting needs now will increase costs in the longer term. It is short-sighted to ignore that.

They're entitled to an education, that doesn’t mean the best education money can buy.

You can save your outrage. DC aren’t entitled to, and thus don’t get, the best possible education under the current system. Parents of DC with SEN know that. They aren’t asking for the best possible education, just for their DC to have the provision they reasonably require to meet their needs.

What about science practicals?

Lots of DC not educated in schools sit IGCSE Sciences which don’t have the same practical requirements as GCSE Sciences. Although there are some centres who can offer science practicals for GCSEs and A levels. There are even more labs who can offer practicals but not the assessed practicals. And you would be surprised at what you can do outside of a lab.

I am 58, and when I was 14, I stopped going to school most of the time because I was being bullied. It was horrible, ruined my self esteem and confidence and made me depressed. Being home was my safe space, where I didn’t have to hide or cry most of the day. There was another boy in my class who stopped going for the same reason.

That was 2 of us in one class, the top stream, there may have been others in other classes, and this was in the early 1980’s.

Really? You can choose? Yes the top students may be able to, but in case you are living on another planet, do you not realise that the jobs market is pretty dire. Hundreds of students are going after the best apprenticeships, graduates are not finding there are so many opportunities, and AI is now doing what many young people did before.

This has always been a thing, at least for several decades. The only thing that has changed is media and especially social media.

I’m not reading what you wrote because you are being unreasonable.

I’m an ex teacher and Head of Year. I didn’t really understand school refusers back then and certainly didn’t think I’d have one of my own.

I now do have an AuDHD daughter who was displaying EBSA - emotional based school avoidance (it’s not called school refuser now) due to extreme anxiety and so now we home educate.

It must be nice to not have any reason to understand it.

It's not since covid.. I knew one years ago my ex partners daughter point black refused to go to school from age 13.
She ended up in a unit then refused to go there her attitude was horrendous no respect for her elders or anyone for that matter.
Another two only recently twin girls 12 yrs old attitudes are awful .. awful to teachers.. but the family they're from are all the same way .. the eldest daughter was in a unit .
Some kids just have no respect whatsoever if my sons had behaved in that way I'd be mortified .. they're grown up now .
Shocks me the entitlement of younger ones.

I was a ‘school refuser’ in the 60s….I was at boarding school and by systematic mini-anarchy and constant minor disruptions I ended up going to only one 45 minute class a week. I’d spend the days smoking in the lavatories and getting drunk whenever possible. The school’s fees are £57,000 per year (2026). Understandably my parents didn’t think those fees were a great investment 😏

It would be far easier if child was in school. Then I could be a lazy parent. As it is I don't have any down time because you know child can't go to school so is here with me

If you children are in school doesn't that make you the lazy parent

Ignorance is bliss.

There is more publicity and there is a label. They probably would’ve been labelled as truants. They’ve always been around.

Bunking off and being a child who can't get past the school gates for whatever reason is not the same thing.

Ok 🤣

@BuildbyNumbere has got to be a troll. Nobody can be this stupid and obnoxious surely.

My child who has been completely failed by school and left with severe trauma has many skills but most importantly isn't rude and obnoxious

My daughter hates her teacher at the minute. We basically have to help her get dressed and out to school. We get the stomach ache complaints etc each day. Even been aggressive. She is eight. It must be hard if they are older as you can't physically force them.

My best friend was a school refuser in 1991/1992. We went from a tiny village primary to a massive comprehensive with 1200 students. She couldn't cope. The leadership tried to get her in. They would turn up to her house and drag her into their car to take her to school. She ended up at a PRU.

Nowadays, I believe she would have been diagnosed with autism. She still lives in the same house, works a part time job at the local shop, and has learnt to drive.

My child is also a school refuser. She is a victim of coercive and controlling behaviour and child cruelty at the hands of her father. He's in prison. She has developmental trauma, manifesting as SEMH issues, SPD, and PTSD.

The system doesn't know what to do with her. She's too academically bright for an EHCP (school's words AKA she's not behind or causing other students trouble), CAMHS gave her 8 sessions of therapy after we waited over a year for help and then sent us on our way, and she doesn't feel school is a safe place due to the behaviour of other students and the lack of support she received. All school wanted to do was off-roll her so it didn't affect their attendance statistics. She is 7 years old.

I have paid for her to have private play therapy for nearly a year now. Likely will be for a year and a half before we can take a break, and I was forced to deregister her from school as they wouldn't help and I couldn't get her there anymore. We've both had enough trauma to last our lifetime, and school was just adding to it.

We live in Spain and I'm aware of some school refusers at my daughters' school. We don't have the same frenzied obsession over attendance, blazers etc. however so I haven't seen it become such an issue. There's a section on their end of term reports for absences but I don't think I've ever seen it filled in. We all know which children they are, we know in certain cases the parents don't seem to care (cultural differences in these cases). In other cases the parents care but these aren't five year olds and can't be physically forced. Hitting kids is still pretty common here btw and not even that taboo but doesn't seem to make any difference. While my daughter only refused to go in for two days once, when I called the school to explain they told me absolutely do not try and force her to come in and advised me to try and support her with the issues causing it. They were very clear that in their opinion the children who are forced to go don't actually engage while they're there and at best learn nothing, at worst disrupt the rest of the class.

I don't really know what a UK school is like these days but my daughters' classrooms give me the feeling of going back in time to at least 30 years ago. I'm sure they're far less sophisticated than modern English classrooms. That's not a criticism...

DS had mostly been described as having a delightful smile and being very polite by his teachers - a credit to us according to his first head teacher.

Then he'd come home and have meltdowns. Eventually it got to the point he couldn't successfully mask anymore - partly because of other children realising they could get a reaction if they pushed hard enough, partly because of homophobic bullying - and his behaviour in school became disruptive, and then he stopped attending.

Try reading some of the other comments … pretty sure many people have a similar opinion 🤦🏻‍♀️
People are fed up of hearing it and many people now 🙄🙄