AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

Yes, true but schools don't help kids learning and support children to deal with life.
For a lot of children schools make life even more difficult.

Wow. So if I smacked my DD her Autism and anxiety wouldn't be an issue,
I was smacked as a child with a wooden spoon! I was a school refuser 20 years ago, late diagnosed Autistic, it did me harm, not fix things.

I'm determined to do better for my children.

What do they do differently?

Is it as big an issue in Scandinavia?

Why are the UK school systems causing so much anxiety in children?

Is it the rigid you must wear a blazer regardless of your own personal comfort?
What job insists on that? Other than soldiers on parade?

Is it the lack of down time, make the school day as short as possible keep the electric bill down?

Is it the constant testing?

Is it the schools are too big, over a thousand kids in a secondary?

Primaries with 500 kids is the norm.

I have never worked anywhere with those sorts of numbers all in one place. How is that preparing kids for life?

They most definitely did exist 15 years ago. Not uncommon then.

We had all this in the early 2000s though.

No formal tests in school before the pupils are 15 years old in the country we relocated to. Which I think is a great thing for their mental health.
Primary and secondary is located in one school. No fuss to get in 'the right secondary school' or tests fom grammar schools. Your children are assigned a school from your adress. Same standard of schools countrywide. No church schools. Children are assigned only to state run schools.
After 10 years the young people go to a 3 year high school before university. University is free.
SEN support could be better but is much much better than UK.
Most classes are 22-24 pupils. A maximum if 27 I think it is but haven't seen that many in a class yet.
A lot of classes are taught by two teachers the first 5 years.
Most children come from nursery and are used to be out and around other chikdren and nursery teachers - you pay a maximum of £400 for a 7am-5pm state nursery place (often less depending on your wages).

The pupils and parents talk to the teachers twice a year from early age about the pupil's progress and what the pupil can do to do better at school the first 10 years before the 9th grade tests - it's a very informal talk.
Pupils call their teachers by first name. No uniforms. Most children walk to school and home on their own at 7 years old.

(But yes taxes are highter than UK).

Found one everyone, the lesser-spotted ‘it didn’t happen to me or my child so it can’t possibly be real’.

My 13 yo doesn’t attend school, but I wouldn’t call her a school refuser. She has ASD and can’t cope with the mainstream school our broken SEND system has named for her.

So, she sits at home, trying to learn from books we find her whilst also working full time and spending money on legal advice and professional reports to try and convince bureaucrats that have never met her that she’d very much like an education… please.

I’m sure you didn’t mean to be unkind, but honestly, no kid, or their parent for that matter, wants to be a so-called school refuser. They just don’t fit the mould that modern education has set for them.

And if this seems like a nuclear response, it probably is, but our entire life at the moment is dictated by my daughter’s lack of schooling and education, and the impact it has on her, and our mental health.

You think school refusers didn't exist back in the day? They absolutely did. My brother was bullied so badly by a teacher in his last year of primary school he didn't want to go anymore and my mum had to complain to the school - or else she was at the point of taking him out and trying to get him placed elsewhere

How is OP saying it ‘isn’t real’ if he or she is saying it’s around a lot more now?

Its always been a thing. The difference is the internet.
All the stories/articles posts about just about anything and everything. So lots of things you may never have been aware of pre internet is now available for anyone to read or watch.
Information is now shared worldwide instead of most people just reading the evening paper that had mostly local news

Our school is not a traumatic experience. It is a highly successful school where every pupil is encouraged to thrive. We accept pupils who are excluded from special units and we often turn their lives around. For every school refuser or for every child who walks out of class, there is usually a reason stemming from outside of school and has been going on for years before they start secondary school. In 20 years I have only had to raise my voice at a pupil twice. I have a good relationship with all pupils. Sorry if that upsets you.

Yes because smacking kids solves everything doesn't it. Thankfully I grew up in a house (without a dad) and wasn't hit as a child.

That’s what you took from
my entire comment? OK.

That is true. But the real world isn’t easy either. Part of being at secondary school is getting ready for the adult life out there, which isn’t easy either

Well quite.

Additional funding of education would come from taxes and borrowing like all other government spending. It's just not considered particularly important.

The government is currently pretending SEND spending is the issue while conveniently ignoring the huge overhang from the financial crisis, BREXIT and Covid. Despicable.

Your reading and analytical skills aren’t up to much are they?

We are spending wild amounts on SEN. It has had its share. It’s bankrupting councils. Enough now.

But you do know that most schools aren't like this?

Well it’s basically illegal to smack kids now. I was a school refuser (undiagnosed autistic being bullied was the reason) my mother hit me most days to get me to comply. Dragged me to school in my pjs one time I refused to get dressed. If I didn’t go I was locked in my room with nothing to do forced to stay in bed if I was “sick”. Quite frankly she was abusive. Not that I ever would treat my school refusing child that way but if I did someone would call social services

If your school actually isn't traumatic for any child then that is great but that isn't the case in most schools.

I remember a boy at my primary school (I’m nearly 44), who would refuse school and when he did come would frequently have outbursts and try to escape the school grounds, often succeeding. It wasn’t pleasant to see him in such distress. I recognise now that he probably had autistic traits. So yeah, they’ve always existed but we lived in a sit down, shut up, listen and do as you’re told culture.

I suppose as we’ve learnt more about neurodivergence, parents are less likely to allow their child to suffer and conform to their detriment in a school school system that is so outdated, still expecting that same culture when it doesn’t suit everyone.

I do think school environments cause it. Here's a tale of 3 children:

1. Me, I went to a very academic school in the 90s. Reputation for strictness. But there was still some flexibility. The teachers all knew us and they knew the difference between the good, but a little anxious, kids and the kids who needed a firm hand. I got away with stuff in that school that kids today would never get away with because the teachers knew me and knew I was well behaved in general and punishing me wouldn't help.
2. My nephew. Goes to a small, somewhat alternative school (not in England). The teachers know him and know what suits him. The curriculum flexes and so do the people.
3. My son. Goes to a large comp. Strict uniform. Strict attendance. No leeway. Zero tolerance. Thankfully my son is the sort of kid that can survive anywhere so he's doing okay. But lots of his friends seem to live in pastoral. The more the school gets strict and take the approach of one-size-fits-all, the more the kids struggle. And bullying still goes on and kids still use their phones for nefarious activities.

All of it comes down to resources. Giving a tailored education based on individual needs is expensive and there's no money.

I very rarely wish my life onto other people, but sometimes I come across comments like this that are so ignorant and uneducated that I genuinely wish with all my heart that they could experience a month or so of it so they will never ever make such twatty comments ever again.
If I said what I really thought of commenters like this I’d be banned from MN.

I've also remembered another school refuser from primary (80s). We called him "psycho" and I don't remember our parents ever telling us off for it (they may even have joined in)