AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

You tell yourself that.
It’s so easy for people who have not experienced the extreme end of parenting to judge those who are surviving hell most days.
It’s not a very nice trait though.
Your comments reflect far more on you than you realise.

They’ve existed for years, back in the day they just played truant.

Perhaps schools and policy makers need to get together and realise that their actions over the last 2-3 decades have caused this problem, and make timely changes before it all gets worse, and stop the pointless and frankly dangerous nonsense of pointing fingers at the victims of their decisions.

IGCSE science papers have the option of an alternative to a practical for the exam.

There are also some experiments that can be done at home in the kitchen.

By the time children are school refusers in secondary school their parents genuinly cant get them to school; but the ground for this has been laid by a decade of parental lack of boundaries leading up to that point.

I never grew up thinking that school was optional. Or that I should only have to do things that I wanted to or enjoyed. To many parents are concerned with their children being happy in the moment instead of thinking about their long-term life prospects.

Tbh for a lot of people it isn't. I know quite a lot of people who did bad at school but very well later in life. It's not that uncommon.

What money has run out?

Have caused what? DN kids?

Never assume … some people just cope better.

2 of DC1's primary school friends became school refuses in secondary school about 10 years ago.

My friend's DD who is about 5 years older than my DC1 became a school refuser about 15 years ago. It wasn't a case of not wanting to go to school, she was too mentally unwell to go so she actually couldn't go to school. . I would blame it on the total inability of local mental health services to help her - because the resources they have are a fraction of what is actually required. She is late 20s now and still very ill and not working. Her DM (my friend) has begged and begged for psychiatrist appointments and other things and occasionally some doctor or psychologist assesses her but nothinig much ever happens.

My friend's DD is suffering terribly. As a nation, we should be ashamed that we not helping people like this. I can't remember now how she was at the start but I'd like to bet if she had had some early involvement from mental health services and tbe school working together, they would have got to the root of the problem and got her back into school.

Of course you can.
Level 3 Btecs are equivalent to A-levels.
They've been around for decades (plus other equivalent qualifications like City and Guilds) yet so many people still seem to think they aren't a "proper" qualification.

Funding

My daughter was funded a tutor for a while when she was suffering from school refusal.

For covid? For SEN?

But yes, state schools haven't got the funding to support children properly in 2026 if that's the point.
I am happy that my youngst child isn't in a UK state school anymore and happily walks out the door to school. Schools in UK are for a lot of children a nightmare.

I was a school refuser 25 years ago. I also know someone in my family who was one back in the 80s/90s, and she was sent to what would now be called a pupil referral unit specifically for children with that issue. It used to be called school phobia.
Lots of other kids just skipped school and nothing was done about it before they started cracking down on school attendance.

There are a small number of children who from a very young age do not respond to any of the normal parenting techniques. Their response to being told No! will be violent out-of-control rages.

Boundary Setting, Household Rules, Positive Reinforcement, Planned Ignoring, Time Outs, Routines, Loss of Privileges, Stickers, Naughty Steps etc etc will all be tried and all will fail. The child lacks the ability to control his or her anger. Placed in their room to think and calm down they will instead smash everything they can reach.

Often the parents will have one or more other children, who did and do respond to the usual parental menu of how to encourage and support good behaviour at different ages. These other children will, like their parents, be frightened of the uncontrollable child, and will regularly see their property destroyed by their angry sibling.

Some children are very different. And by secondary school if these children don't want to go they won't. Many will threaten or even strike their parents (particularly the Mum) in order to get their own way in this and other circumstances. Shame may mean the parents hide how bad things truly are for them and their other children.

Do you really not know any parents struggling with a child like this? I know of at least two such children.

School is optional. Education isn't.

You seem very misinformed.

The long term prospects of my child improved massively when he stopped trying to kill himself because school was so awful for him.

Rather than being dead, he is now one of the highest achievers of all of the children he was at school with attending one of the best universities in the world.

I have a child who was a school refuser. He was bullied relentlessly, physically attacked on multiple occasions, verbally assaulted, had his work torn up in front of staff a whilst being blamed and victim shamed.

The head teacher wasnt interested in dealing with bullying in his school (the school has a terrible bullying problem). He refused point blank to go back to that school and it took a few months for a space to become available for him in another school.

He likes his new school and is happy to go there. The head teacher and deputy head are excellent and don't tolerate bullying so he is safe. I work in education but had a child failed hugely by a school.

When you are at this level of anxiety, its not just life propects its making sure they are robust enough not to commit suicide.

This is beyond just not wanting to go to school. This is a horrific experience for parents.
Parents who desperately want their kids to do well but whos kids are being failed by ridged school systems.

If it was an easy fix by parents, the private schools and the posh state schools (you know the ones parents buy expensive houses to get kids into the schools) just wouldn't have school refusers.

There is something seriously wrong in the school systems when so many kids are struggling with anxiety

On a different thread there was a discussion about lunch breaks being as short as possible.
Someone chimbed in French schools have 2 hour lunch breaks, time to eat, chill and do sports.
Which country has better mental health in their kids?

Kids have always suffered from anxiety. Anxiety is a human emotion. Learning to deal with it and overcoming it is part of growing up and becoming an adult.

I agree and I think the difference is we no longer smack children, so the 1 thing that worked is no longer available. In the past dads were ‘heavy handed’ and would force their (usually male) violent children to conform. But now the kids rule the roost.

The French are far stricter with their children and treat them almost like small children from day 1. It seems to work.

We have relocated to Scandinavian -
much better for our secondary school pupil.
Dual citizenship/bilingual.