AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

No it's not the same as playing truant. It can be very complex for alot of kids and their families, don't be so flippant and rude

Alright love this isn't the good old days anymore where you could beat your kids with belts 🙄

No, generally those people are at work.

There are a million different ways people can earn a living. "Work" can mean outside, inside, on your own, part of a team, silent, noisy, repetitive, varied, from home, in an office, shop, on a phone, behind a screen, with animals..... school is, just one thing. With very minimal variation it's a large group of noisy, difficult to navigate people with complex dynamics, an ever changing requirement to think this way or that way 6 times a day and very little choice over what you're actually doing. Hardly surprising that many people can't fit that rigid firms but are perfectly able to flourish when they have some freedom over their choices.

Childhood trauma is linked to paranoid schizophrenia.

A lot of teachers were and still are pedophiles.
Paedophiles actively seek work which gives them access to children, especially vulnerable children.

Many of the recent cases involving teachers are brought by older adults, often in their forties and fifties who have finally gotten to a stage in their life where they feel strong enough to hold their abuser to account. It's difficult for all victims but there's an added dimension when boys have been sexually abused by men.

It's estimated that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused.
It's pervasive in society.

I think the internet is making it more accessible and widespread and more obvious.

yes this

I just bunked off the whole year and no one noticed

Plus I think parents instead of giving you a “thick ear” and telling you your going and have no choice are more responsive and want to find out what is going on with their child

Wow. I was not the parent of a school refuser, thank goodness, but from what my daughter tells me & what I have seen with my own eyes, I can 100% understand why many are. Thankfully she has now left compulsory schooling and moved on to college, but it sounded horrendous. They aren't allowed to go to the toilet when they need it. My daughter often used to go hungry because their lunch break wasn't long enough to make it through the dinner queue, especially if she also needed the toilet. The school day started at 8am and finished at almost 5pm some days. And it was relentless test, test, test. Schools aren't there to encourage a love of learning and foster inquisitiveness anymore, not in the State sector anyway. They are simply there to mass produce obedient low level workers who are capable of learning by rote and following instructions.
As for making kids go to school, how exactly is a parent expected to force a teenager into school? Physically drag them there?! The State have removed parents' ability to discipline their children, so they would likely be arrested if they tried that.
And that's before going into the absolute shitshow of a post-Covid world, where many kids, and adults, are suffering from poor mental health.
Quite frankly, I can see many reasons for school refusal, many of which don't involve lazy parents or stupid, disobedient kids. I have seen friends and their children struggle terribly with school refusal and I know the last thing they need is to feel judged by someone who lacks the intelligence to figure it out for themselves.

How does it negatively impact you ?
It makes no difference to you if other families are in crisis or children are being g failed by schools. So why are you so agitated. Maybe you need to relax and accept the world you live in

Well don’t listen then. We will be better off without your input anyway. It’s weird how you’re so angry about it.

Why do you think so many people are home educating these days. Because the school system isn't for everyone. I was bullied very badly at school - ironically because my mum was a teacher and people at my school thought I was posh which is a joke as I grew up in a single parent family in a council house

My wee brother was bullied so badly by one teacher he had nervous tics - and if my mum hadn't gone to the school and kicked up a huge fuss he would not have gone back there - as kids don't go to school to be bullied by teachers. Stop trying to diminish other peoples lived experiences

But they have the choice don't they work or not. They have that choice because school works for their kid.
My ability to work is so restricted by the situation beyond our control I don't have the luxury of choice.
Also going to work while children are at school is a far sight easier and you get financial benefit when you work where as our income has been restricted and our costs have gone up.

They did exist however I personally do not believe that all alleged school refusers cannot be brought in to school. I know someone who says their child is one. What they mean is their child says that they do not want to go, and she won't get the child dressed as she thinks they have to dress themselves always, and she won't make them go incase it impacts their mental health. This is a primary age child with no diagnosed or suspected SEN, and with no diagnosed or suspected mental health issues. Ultimately she is taking the mental health days are as important as sick days thing too far. One of my own children has SEN and does also make comments about not wanting to go in. I help them dress on days they are struggling, encourage them and coax them in whilst managing meltdowns. I talk to the school about adjustments to help them with the transition (which they do) and as a result we have only had a very small number of lates but only by say 10min max. I do get that some people have it much harder and that with older kids it is harder to get them in if they flatly refuse. I also get that this is why some people opt for home school- I have that as an option on my radar if my child's relationship with school declines too much due to their SEN. It is a balance- I dont want to harm my child's mental health by making them go in. But actually I think children are more robust than some parents give them credit for and you can be pro mindfulness and mental health days without essentially agreeing to let them be off whenever they dont feel like it. I also see first hand parents who tbh dont want the fight about it.

@BuildbyNumbere yes in a way so was an enabler and enable to get my child through it and survive and live because again I stress that was not always the outcome

it was far from lazy parenting it was actually the hardest parenting had ever been for me and has left me

I think if a parent can’t work because they have to home educate their child who is too distressed to go to school, or have to have time off work because their child is still on roll and too distressed to go, they should be entitled to UC to support their circumstances.

Bet that would get some people in to a flap.

I went to school in 1970/80s. I was a school refuser. Eventually expelled for non attendance and left with no qualifications

I fixed that in adulthood. But I’m probably luckier than most

I skipped loads of school/collage, especially collage. Didn't do a single second of revision for either my GCSEs or A-Levels, and rarely did homework. Passed everything, mostly A* and As, lowest was a D in D in GCSE Biology. Would have got a C in Math but my Dad did my coursework and got me up to a B 😅 ).

Admittedly I did have an interest in a lot of the stuff covered in history and psychology outside of school, and I'd always been a big reader so English was easy for me. But at that level some people are able to pass exams with a fairly basic grasp of the subject.

I think that was more so for people bunking off.

I think what the OP is referring to is children refusing to go to school and parents just letting them get away with it.

Yeah so kids were sneakier then, they refused school but their parents had no idea they weren’t in!!! Life was vastly different even 10 years ago too!

I too, until recently, though school refusing was absolutely ridiculous. BUT so much has changed since our days, there are so many factors that contribute to it. Our classes were much smaller, children are now going into a classroom with 30 odd kids, their needs are in turn not being met, they aren’t getting the support for their different abilities so therefore are being left behind, are aware they’re being left behind and feel shame ref going. They also are so much more overwhelmed due to the sheer amount of people in a classroom.
life is faster paced now too kids are struggling with the pace and everything feels too much, anxiety is crippling and the fear takes over their wee nervous system near enough preventing them from walking into the classroom and then it turns into a vicious cycle filled with embarrassment, self doubt and shame.
my child has not yet started school refusing but whilst he is still going in, albeit with great difficulty on his part (not mine) I am getting to the point where I am questioning if it is really the beneficial thing for him in the long run and do we need to do a stop gap? I don’t know, but I do know that life is very different and society feels scary, life is certainly not as we knew it.
i am sure there are some kids and actually parents for that matter taking the hand, just as they did years ago but this is different, school refusal mostly comes from anxiety, situations within school, trauma, life.
hopefully you don’t experience it so you don’t have to understand it though!

My comment also shouldn't be read as me not accepting there are genuine school refusers where parents actually would really struggle to get them in (and actually should probably look at alternative provisions because mental health is important). People with SEN where the system isnt working for them. People who are severely bullied. As soon as the system isnt working for either of my children anymore (if that is what happens) and adjustments and me supporting them in cannot address sufficiently the impact, I will look at alternative provision myself.

My point is only that I know there are a lot of people too who could get their kids in and dont. And it undermines the experience of those who really cannot do more to get their children in.

Not everyone has a standard 9-5.
What about parents who work nights and need to sleep during the day? Or who work from home? Maybe they are carers for other family members?
What do you do when your child is too ill to go into school? Send them anyway because you have to go to work?

There are reasons why some kids can't go through the front gate. It never got to that with my wee brother but my mum actually sat him down and said. If you don't want to go back to that school you don't have to

I was bullied to within an inch of my life at primary school. I told teachers they did nothing. I actually don't know how I survived it looking back. Why should kids have to be forced to go to school if school is misery for them?

I’m in my 40s. Finished school 2001 so 25 years ago. My husband is the same age. We were the same class at school. My husband was a school refuser for lots of valid reasons that were never addressed etc. for 2 years his school attendance never exceeded 20% and the third year was similar but he went to morning reception and then left - this was so his mum didn’t get taken to court anymore. Once he was registered at school it was the schools responsibility not his mums.

school refusers have always existed but were probably just called naughty children back in the day.

They did exist, but COVID has made it worse. During COVID, those children who already struggled with school got a taste of how nice it was not to have to go. Then when they were required to start back, they just couldn't. Same as a lot of adults who were able to work from home during COVID - many struggled to return and used their adult skills to argue against it and persuade their employers that it was to the benefit of the organisation that they remain working from home. Kids don't have that option, so can only refuse.

Back when I was young, you were too afraid of your parents to refuse. That wasn't good either though.

Instead of testing kids on academics, they should be completing questionnaires regularly on how they feel about school and their attitudes and trust towards school. Apparently some private schools do this every year. A happy child tends to learn well, it is the foundation of everything.
For school refusers, there is always something going on - anxiety, mental health issues, trauma from home life, learning difficulties, neurodiversity, bullying and only in a small amount of cases is it genuine “Cannot be arsed” attitude on the part of parents and kids. For most parents, it is easier if kids are in school during the day, even if they are [feckless/lazy] parents!

I think if most issues were nipped in the bud and sorted out, either via the NHS or social services or tailored learning for a learning need/difficulty, there would be far fewer school refusers.