When should elderly parents downsize?

[Hogwartsian]

My parents are in their early eighties and still healthy and fit. They have a large 5 bed house with a large garden. They are still managing to maintain it, for now. I'm just wondering if there's a point when they should prepare for the day they can't manage it all anymore, and downsize to something more suitable?

Is anyone else in this situation? Or when did your parents downsize?

It’s far easier to maintain a 1-bed flat with no garden and service charge than a 4-bed detached with huge garden no?

But a tiny 1 bed flat tends to have small rooms with zero space to host family. No garden? My grandfather downsized aged 77 to a little flat as you described and bitterly regretted it. It was a poor financial decision and he missed his garden badly.

It’s great when people say ‘when they feel they need to’ and ‘it’s their choice’.

Because chances are that’s already too late, and it’s their children that are then left to sort out whatever the next crisis turns out to be.

Have you asked them?

They might not want to.

In which case you can’t force the issue, as it’s their decision, even though logically it might be the right thing for them to do.

The post I responded to didn't mention any maintenance.

in a house of that size, they can presumably just start living downstairs when necessary as there’s loads of space. as long as the house is in good condition, they could live there forever.

A neighbour of mine is 94. He has a cleaner, a gardener and a carer but essentially manages very well. He uses a stair lift.

They don’t necessarily need to if there’s room for them to move beds downstairs when they eventually need to. Surely it’s far better for people to remain in familiar surroundings if they’re able. Who wants to move in old age if they don’t have to? It’s their home so I expect they’ll let you know if they’re thinking of selling.

My partner has just turned 60. We're moving from a 2 bed terrance to a 5 bed house, with nearly an acre for a garden.
Yeah, I said he was mad when we are at an age where some downsize and look for a quieter life! But he wants to, he's dreamed of lots of space and a large garden. The way I look at it is if he's happy, and gets to enjoy a good 10 years of what is left of his life in the house he loves before the possibility of needing help or having to move again, why should I ruin that for him, even if I think he's a little mad!? Nobody knows whats around the corner, so enjoy whatever you can, when you can.

Downsize, yeah, but the most important thing is their elderly relative may be happy in their home and the house have many happy memories. That's a powerful reason to stay.

This. Absolutely this.

I can see your point but if the parents still have their wits about them you simply can’t force them to downsize.

They’re adults, and all adults sometimes stay in situations that are not ideal, nobody can force change. Once illness and infirmity set in change could be imposed on them, but until then if they want to keep the big house, they keep the big house.

Its reality, its pointless for people to be rattling around in a huge house thats no longer suitable for them, too big half of it unused.
The cleaner or the gardener stops for whatever reason, they need someone else to find them a replacement.

There also comes a point where people can't cope with the hassle and stress of moving.

If people want to maintain independence they need to move somewhere suitable, preferably on a bus route, while they are still fit enough, to actually be able to walk to the bus stop.

off you pop and move then.

You made me smile! We’re 55 (no kids) and live in a small 3 bed farmhouse, before this we lived in 3 bed flats.

I’d now like something about the same size but easier to look after (no land) but my DH has suddenly started wanting to look at 5 / 6 bedroom villas with big gardens. I’d love to have something like that too, but feel too old already.

Time is so fleeting.

I'm 65, DH is 64. Both still working in professional jobs, both still capable of driving from Surrey to Southern France, where we have another home.

When we can't get upstairs, we'll.install a lift - our neighbours have.

We'll move if and when we want to which I doubt we will.

MIL remains in the house she bought with FIL in 1960. Mother and step have been on their 4 bedder with huge garden since 1977/8. Neither dh nor I would dare or deign to suggest they move into a little flat. They love their homes and can afford them.

It is the choice of individuals for as long as they have capacity.

You’re right in that you can’t force them to downsize.

But when you live several hours away and you have neighbours constantly ringing you because your parent isn’t coping in a massive house with no support, you’d be fed up too.

I didn’t say I wouldn’t be fed up. I do sympathise.

you can't "get" one anyway. The person gving the POA has to choose to do it and needs a witness to sign to say they are aware of what they are doing and are doing it of their own choice. If they are not competent to agree to a POA then I believe a guardianship order is needed. A financial POA can be activated whenever the donor chooses to activate it or when they become no longer competent to handle their own affairs. A Health and Welfare POA IIRC only becomes active at the point and to the extent where a person can't make their own health and welfare decisions.

Why does he want a huge house?

Thats just a lot of maintenance and cleaning for the hell of it. Plus a big heating and council tax bill.

What a strange (and incorrect) assumption.

the point is that they like being there and want to do it.

absolutely this. Its my life and I will live it to suit me.

@RosesAndHellebores thing is though you clearly come from monied families and I suspect that your parents and in laws would get help in if needed - my FIL would too , but it’s clear on here that plenty of elderly parents do expect their families to drive hundred of mines regularly , let their homes collapse around them and refuse to get help in - so in principle I totally agree with you but on the proviso that people can’t make really unreasonable demands on their adult children or refuse to pay out for help when they clearly are just being miserly

The reality is that most people don’t think about moving into more suitable accommodation until it’s too late. I went through it with my mother, and now going through it with the in laws. FIL has dementia and moving now is just impossible - his mental map is fucked, he remembers various houses he’s lived in but no idea which house is the current one.

I am answering this both from a professional and personal point of view. Children can and should be clear what they can and cannot do. Whatever one's age, choices have consequences. All my professional life I advised adult children to have honest (loving where possible) conversations about what they could do to help and what they could not and advised my patients to think about choices and consequences.....all of which is a long way away from saying what parents should do and at what age they should do it.

Ime it's when fate forces it or when they choose. Sensibly, My mum should have moved the moment her mobility declined but couldn't handle the logistics so refused.

In laws have both fallen down their stairs. One had a brain bleed and a stroke. The other broke ribs and vertebrae. Neither seem to have any intention of moving or thinking the house is unsuitable. It's just random bad luck.

If they don't want to, can't or won't adjust the house layout to have a downstairs bedroom then it is what it is.

The day that it is one day too late.

If they are still happy and love the house it's all moot realistically isn't it I guess? It's not our choice. They have capacity? That includes to make choices we wouldn't.

I'm sure we will all be in Amsterdam type town house with the bedroom on the fourth floor at 95 getting irritated that our kids suggest falling down the 75 degree stairs might be a risk.