When should elderly parents downsize?

[Hogwartsian]

My parents are in their early eighties and still healthy and fit. They have a large 5 bed house with a large garden. They are still managing to maintain it, for now. I'm just wondering if there's a point when they should prepare for the day they can't manage it all anymore, and downsize to something more suitable?

Is anyone else in this situation? Or when did your parents downsize?

My parents didn't and neither did their parents. I think very few want to leave what has possibly been their lifelong home and are will to make sacrifices to enable them to stay (help with the house and/or garden, living on one level etc).

TBH I think we will probably be the same.
Our house is way too big for us in old age but we moved here a few years ago as it is perfect for us now and it can be adapted in the future. The layout is good, can take one of those through the floor lifts and the garden is more modest than we used to have.

@godmum56 - indeed. Mother and I had the conversation years ago about personal care. She does not wish me to do it and I don't wish to do it. We mutually agreed that if and when she needs help to toilet or wash, it would be paid for.

If anything were to happen to DH I would move somewhere smaller for sure but it would be my choice, not that of my children. If I were moving beyond capacity I'd prefer to pay someone to care and if I had enough capacity, at that stage, I hope I'd have sufficient agency to stop eating. In 20 years my DC will be 51 and 47, possibly in the throes of teenagers. I'd like them to visit occasionally, I anticipate they'll be abroad. I don't want them putting their own lives on hold if I need care.

I’d say 83 and a quarter and not a minute before.

He has a good career and lots of hobbies but due to extended education and lots of travel and living abroad we didn’t start our settled life and buy a house until very late. I think he’s just ready for a big house at 55 in the same way that many people are ready for a big house in their early thirties. I don’t want it but I think I do understand it.

He also doesn’t worry about stuff like maintenance and cleaning (and doesn’t see things that need doing around here) so he sees the fun he could have in a big house but doesn’t see the added cleaning and maintenance.

We’ve viewed a few lovely Georgian villas and fantasised / thought about actually living in them and now he seems to be moving towards getting a small place with a great shed and possibly being mortgage free. I’m not worried 😏

Small place mortgage free sounds bliss. Well seen its not him thats looking at it, with the hoovering in mind.

We have a 4 bed, we hang out on the sofa in the kitchen, the living room is hardly used and the spare bedroom is a dumping ground. Its just more cleaning, and maintenance. If I could turn back the clock i don't think I'd have a big house.

We lived in Germany for a long time and my ideal would be one of the perfectly designed Ikea tiny apartments they had there.

I don’t wish DH gone but for some reason I always imagine living in one alone, with some paid help, and that doesn’t make me sad.

Housing in an ideal world suits needs and can be adapted. We like our house and I love the road but it wouldn’t be good if either of us became very disabled or frail. Our neighbours are in their late fifties like us and they will be selling and buying a bungalow soon. I just don’t like bungalows so am after a house that can have total downstairs living if need be. I want a better view as well. We are now part way through our Swedish death clean, I’m 60 this year hopefully it’s very premature but seems a good time. Just doing over winter months.

This! My mum was widowed 9 years ago and her bungalow is too big for her, she has my late dad's ornamental gardens to maintain despite never sitting in the back garden since dad went, she won't use or heat the large conservatory or heat it and the same goes for her dining room. When she gives us things I worry because I. An smell the damp on things as she stores Xmas & birthday presents etc in the dining room that never gets heated.

The problem is she's mentally vulnerable and although admits herself she needs to downsize and wants to, the process will be a world of pain for us all because she's hugely obstructive about the property she wants, how it has to look and where it needs to be and she has it in her head that she can see something she really wants and reserve it before even putting her own property on the market! Doing things that way around is a massive gamble because any property she does want will likely be gone by the time she's sold hers! And if she changes her mind because the property she wanted is no longer available I'd imagine the estate agents would charge her a get out fee.

She also has the unrealistic view that if she put her bungalow up that it'd sell immediately! It's a nice bungalow without doubt but it's sized for a couple but now only has one bedroom because dad turned it into a dining room, knocked the end wall out and stuck a bloody great big conservatory on it so it'll not be easy to convert it back for those wanting a 2 bed bungalow!

@FlyingCatGirl are you really saying that what was originally a two bed bungalow, albeit with a conservatory, is too big for one person? How many sq feet is it?

Before they need to. My mum is nearly 90 and has refused to move because she likes her neighbours. Said neighbours have now all died and she’s alone in a 3 bed house with no downstairs loo and still refusing to move because now she can’t face the upheaval. I definitely won’t be making the same mistake…

It's a decent sized place and my dad put a really big conservatory on it, my mum sits with no heating on in the winter because it's a detached corner plot bungalow and she's terrified of her heating bills - probably more than she needs to be. It was allegedly 94 square metres before my dad put the conservatory on it. She is creating damp problem because she doesn't use or heat the dining room and conservatory and that's the other side to the issue, it's not really just the size, it's the practicality and manageability, she's starting to struggle with the ornamental gardens at 74 as she has her health issues. She says she wants a ground floor apartment.

The problem with everyone saying ‘when they want to’ and that it’s their choice is that we tend to have all the worry of them living in an unsafe and unsuitable house and we have to deal with all the consequences like frequent falls and living in an unclean house as it’s too big for them to clean.
I can speak for myself and my peers when I say that and also this issue pops up on the elderly parents chat.

Mine downsized in their 60's which is just as well as 10 years later neither could manage stairs or a big garden and they certainly wouldn't cope with a house move now.
I have other elderly relatives who live in a massive house and their health has taken a sudden downturn with one of them now severely disabled and the other very frail. They need to sell but are in no physical state to deal with a house sale/move. Not sure what's going to happen there.
Personally I want to live in a studio flat when I'm old with absolute minimum maintenance and cleaning.

My inlaws did it around 70 - not the type of property as arguably the old bungalow was more suitable for old age than their current house, but they moved very close to younger family so near to GP, hospital, shops etc and have settled in very well.

My parents would not discuss anything like this and so their only option is going to be to pay people to look after them in their large, rambling, not very warm home. I can understand how they felt (my dad has an amazing garden and you can't move that) but it will be muggins here managing it all from nearly an hour's drive away.

So I'd say 70 ish if in good health.

My DF never downsized from our beloved family home -- when he became too frail to manage the stairs we made one of the downstairs rooms a bedroom for him (he'd been having a gardener for years anyway). Apart from the fact dad would never have moved from the house It made perfect sense as we were always able to use the house with it's 4 big bedrooms and larger spaces for family gatherings, with dad always able to attend 😊 (dad wouldn't have had it any other way in any case!)

The answer is, before they NEED to.
Its damn hard work to have a life changing situation, like a stroke, and then have to move to somewhere accessible.

To be fair my parents had a rush of blood to the head and made a downstairs room with shower and toilet, but it's used as an art studio so it's going to be enormous fun when someone needs to sleep in the studio.

I think the thing about this is the "should". No-one wants to do what they "should".

My granny downsized at 92 from a big 4 bed to a 2 bed bungalow and was very happy there. She had pretty much the whole thing redone and loved having builders in every day to chat to and make bacon butties for! We all had to pitch in and help her with selling stuff or taking it to the tip and packing and unpacking but she never regretted it and lived another 4 years.

Surely, it will cost her more to move than to heat the house for 10 years. Can modifications not be made in the garden to make it more manageable?

I guess I look at this differently. MIL is 89 and 240 miles away. She has a daily carer, just to make her lunch and for whom dh pays. DH visits every three weeks. She still goes to the shops, on the bus, once a week and is collected weekly for luncheon club. Increasingly frail.

Mother 89 and step 83 are fiercely independent, slowing down a bit but still entertain and play golf (him) and bridge (both). Their home is immaculate, weekly cleaner and the garden has been wound down over the last ten years and is now largely lawn and pots with little to trim. They are 80 miles away. I can get to them in an hour and three quarters, visit monthly and expect this to increase.

Our grandparents were similar, independent to the end. Our grandads died at 91 and 90 in their armchairs. DH's aunts visited on a weekly rota for the last year - they didn't resent it. Mine was close to mother but never needed an errand - he did downsize when grannie died but only because it was time for the farm to go, which was hers. He moved to a modern flat with sea views.

I would say it’s their choice. They may never want to.

My PIL downsized twice - once at 80 to a newly built house in town with a smaller garden. Then at 90 to a flat near family. They did both before they were absolutely essential and were able to take the time to make the changes they wanted. I think it helped that they had always moved often and were perhaps less tied to a place than others. But it showed the value of a sensible and timely move.
My DPe did the opposite and stayed in their secluded house with terrible stairs and large high maintenance house long after it was sensible or safe, by which point they had neither energy or capacity to move.

DH and I have already planned where we want to downsize to in the local town at a sensible time!

My gran was still doing her own housework on a 3 bed house well into her 90s. Not as sparkly as it had been, but absolutely fine. She had gardener come fairly regularly to mow the lawn and prune the shrubs.

For the last year of her life, she lived downstairs but had a stair lift fitted so she could go upstairs to the loo.

It was her home and she was surrounded by memories. My dad had left their city as a very young man and her house was where he, my kids and I all returned frequently.

It worked for her. I may make a different decision eventually.

Sadly it's a very difficult call. Mil and fil moved to a small 3 bed when they were in their early 70s which was lovely, but had crap neighbours and instead of sticking it out or talking to me about it they moved to an "independent retirement complex" which is full of small minded people who are bord shitless with nothing to do but gossip about each other! They were in their 70s but still fit and active.

Mil is now 97 and it's perfect now .But she's been on her own for 8 years and hated the place. And could easily have lived in the small house.

Against this was the guy I worked for who refused to move before his wife became ill to be nearer family. They had a large house with a massive (think stately home sized) garden which I was employed to work on 2 hours a week plus a lawn care expert. My wife cleaned it for 4 hours a week.

His wife died. His health declined and finally he moved... leaving on the Thursday, he died on the Sunday having never lived in his new home.

We’ve planned it too. Although I’m not yet 60 i do have osteoarthritis and just know my knees aren’t going to cope with the stairs when I’m elderly and the house is just so unsuitable for two old people.

I totally agree with you that she may be better off just heating the house and paying for a gardener to do the gardens - she'll not want to get rid of Dad's creations but she's not as skint as she makes out to be and could certainly pay someone to keep it tidy, trimmed and weed free for her. She's a very introverted and glass half empty kind of person. Had my dad survived her he'd have had an active social life and still enjoyed sitting in his conservatory.

There's definitely a part of me wants her to stay where she is because she would end up with a lot of money in the bank from downsizing and she gets addicted to a dodgy shopping channel that sells her dodgy stuff that they tell her is the bargain of the century and she believes it! I wouldn't want her to fritter money away like that.