When should elderly parents downsize?

[Hogwartsian]

My parents are in their early eighties and still healthy and fit. They have a large 5 bed house with a large garden. They are still managing to maintain it, for now. I'm just wondering if there's a point when they should prepare for the day they can't manage it all anymore, and downsize to something more suitable?

Is anyone else in this situation? Or when did your parents downsize?

I’m in my 50s and trying to get rid of stuff. I remember DH finding a box of cards at MILs house and asked her about them. She just said one day she felt bad throwing them out so started keeping them. It’s quite easy to start accumulating things like that.

This is the situation that frustrates me.

Does your DH realise the situation he may leave you in if he passes away? You would love to downsize and now, whilst physically and mentally very capable of dealing with it you are being restricted from doing so.

Your DH may be comfortable with struggling away in a house he might not be able to cope with but you sound like you are not comfortable with it.

Its a huge concern for me if my partner to pass away in our older years and me to be left with a house i cant manage and family too far away to help.

I think it’s often not necessarily downsizing, but moving to a more suitable house that’s required. After my dad died, DM made noises about my sister buying a property with an annexe for her, and then a bungalow nearer to my sister, but she was never really serious - just wanted us to run around after her (which we inevitably did).

DH and I have already moved to a future proofed house - top floor can be bedroom / bathroom / sitting room for a live in carer, and it’s designed so that you can put a lift in to the middle floor becroom. Garden is very manageable and shops / GP / hospital all within walking distance.

I don’t think anyone is upset about the idea of taking on loved and lovely items (or valuable antiques) just when a four bed house is stuffed full of things that have been kept because they were always there - when we cleared my Parents house, we had to clear a room full of rotting hiking equipment from the 1970s. DF had bought plenty of new stuff over the years but never cleared out the old. The spare room was stacked to the ceiling with random things he had brought from his own parents house which he cleared in the 90s. None of it had ever even been moved out of the boxes they were put in then.

My DH can be a nightmare for buying new gear as other stuff gets past its best, but keeps other stuff as 'spares' we now accept no more than 1 spare anything.

And that’s why we have a shed full of bikes, bike frames, bike spares …

It’s now a strict one in one out system.

My parents supposedly downsized although their new house isn’t much smaller. The main problem is that they went from a house that was completely future proofed. And suitable as they got older. To one that’s not at all suitable as they age!

I’m early 60s and am sick of the upkeep of a large house .
mind you mine all make a mess , I have a dog and it’s only me that does it .
i think if I can employ decent help / can afford to employ decent help then I will stay put

When they want to. 😊

This is exactly what happens in most elderly people's houses. They keep things (and not because they were war babies!) and then it gets worse and worse.

They then mentally close down and often just keep the doors closed in the rooms often piled high with 'stuff'. They could be valuable so keep them just in case.

Then when one partner passes it becomes overwhelming and often dangerous but the remaining partner just stays on, things get worse and worse and then the adult children find themselves having to spend weeks/months sorting through it all. I didnt in the end. I took the decision that I could be throwing out something valuable. I could live with that. Otherwise a fingertip search would have taken months and months! Papers I wasnt so worried about. Someone would find me if it was that important and if they didnt find me then I would never know.

DM is in the same boat. She is a hoarder who cannot be parted from all the junk in her house. Cupboards crammed with stuff. When you ask what's in a particular cupboard ... crickets. Just the same lament ... 'It'll come in handy one day..' That day has never come.

@twilightcafe My DM used to say ‘I pity the poor person who has to sort this house out after I’m gone’ with a little head tilt and tinkly laugh. She knew damn well it would be down to me and my sister.

@PropertyD We were lucky that a local charity did house clearance - we let them take everything they wanted and they made about £2k. We binned so many photo albums (just picked out a few each) and obsolete paperwork, and I sold all the jewellery bar one piece. I did keep my dad’s school reports from the 1930s though - his old school has said they’d like them so they’ll get a new home.

We're almost 70, so if we had middle-aged daughters they would presumably be worrying about us, and we're in decent fettle. But we have one son of 26. We've already done POAs, and when he finishes his current training, he'll relocate to an area we all like. We've given him a home deposit, to give it time to drop out of our estate's value, and once we've sorted out some small medical issues we're ready to put the house on the market and get rid of our parents' gash hand-me-downs, keeping the bits we like. We shall buy a house we like, which will be a bit smaller, but less rural so DH and DS can have a day out easily at county/test cricket or go to a Premiership rugby game closer to home. There will be theatres, cinemas and a decent U3A closer, plus a nice pub and one that does great food. But I still want an expansive kitchen, dining, living space although bedrooms can be cosy. I think that stairs are healthy exercise in old age. But probably only one flight!

My experience and plans too. We plan to retire between 65-67 and plan to downsize to either a bungalow or retirement flat shortly after. That means we'll probably be young/fit/active enough to cope with de-cluttering, downsizing, dealing with estate agents, solicitors, removals and doing what's necessary to make the new home "ours" in terms of new bathroom & kitchen, new furniture, etc. Then we'll be "old age" ready as far as possible. Hopefully, by downsizing, we'll release some funds to use on a new car, nice holidays, etc whilst we're young and fit and healthy enough to enjoy them. It'll also be a weight off our minds if we know the "home" is decluttered and minimised for our son to sort out after our demise without too much time, stress and hassle.

Imo, as soon as they can.
That's my plan for myself anyway but I care very little for material possessions.

I understand his rationale… if he’s not got the energy to go out and about, and on the basis he can afford a gardener for the heavy stuff, at least he can enjoy his garden

And this is exactly the way to handle it, well done. Just make sure you have the possibility of installing a lift/stairlift/downstairs bedroom and bathroom if you should need it.

Wonder if she’s coming to Bath area- ? Or possibly Cheltenham ? We kind of have most of that

I don’t think caring for material possessions has much to do with it.

Sentimentality, familiarity and the hassle involved in moving is more likely to be the reason for reluctance to downsize. If they can afford to adapt their existing home to work and employ help to do the jobs they can’t, as in the case of my PIL, why should they move to a smaller house when they get old?

We are in our mid 70’s and sold the big house a couple of years ago. The time just felt right. We spend 6 - 8months of the year travelling (camper) and the house was getting neglected even though we had someone to check over it and do some gardening.
Ultimately we wanted to relieve ourselves of the responsibility of owning and maintaining a house and release cash to give our adult children to help them along. Following a huge declutter we moved what we wanted to keep to our son’s house 250 miles away. His is now our primary address. He’s handy for Eurotunnel and ferries 😂. We are currently helping him to renovate his 4 bed house including turning the integral garage into an en suite bedroom for us. Nearly there. Who knows what the future holds but I think we are as prepared as we can be without passing on the job of declutterring to our children. Or them having to wait for inheritance. I like the piece of mind this gives me.

They shouldn't unless they want to.

What do you do if not travelling at moment ? Airbnb?

A nice campervan we bought on downsizing.

Oh sorry, you said when NOT travelling. We live in my son’s house (he is single) near London. His dad has been doing the renovation. Fortunately we get on very well. My son is hoping to retire in the next few years. He will then always have a high value house to downsize from himself. He’s very finance savvy though.

Whenever they want to and feel it's the right choice. DH's parents downsized early. They sold the family house and bought/renovated a bungalow in their early 60's. Their rationale was they'd rather move while they've got the energy to do a house up. It's lovely, they extended the living space so it's got a big living room and open plan kitchen diner but only 2 bedrooms. It works for them (though his brother promptly got divorced and moved into the spare room which means we have to pay for hotels when we visit and they can't have the kids to stay which they would love to do). My mum is still in her big house at 70, she's happy, and will likely stay as long as she possibly can.