When should elderly parents downsize?

[Hogwartsian]

My parents are in their early eighties and still healthy and fit. They have a large 5 bed house with a large garden. They are still managing to maintain it, for now. I'm just wondering if there's a point when they should prepare for the day they can't manage it all anymore, and downsize to something more suitable?

Is anyone else in this situation? Or when did your parents downsize?

Leave them alone to make their own choice! No hard and fast rule to downsize, that's a reasonably new pressure put on people imo.

FIL lived in his 3 bed house all his life, 95 years. Well, 94 if take away the one year in a nursing home. He didn't want to leave, he didn't need to leave, he stayed put and good on him. He was fighting fit until 92, so we had someone come in a couple times a day to make him something to eat (because he couldn't be bothered, rather than being unable) and we went often, partner stayed over a couple days a week.

He had a whole life time of memories in that house, good on him for doing what he wanted.

But none of that has anything to do with how big a house they are in?
Once you're old and need help, you're old and need help, if in a 1 bed flat or a 4 bed house.

My parents are in a 5 bed house and I can’t see them moving, maybe when there’s only one of them left. They did talk about it once and looked shocked when I pointed out they’d essentially need to get rid of everything in at least 1/3 of the house. They’re not great at throwing things out. Either way, it’s up to them what they do.

But then you wouldn't have needed to? Your mum was doing just grand, did it matter to you where she lived?

I don’t think people in their 80s often downsize, they continue until something goes wrong

downsizing happens more in people’s 50s or 60s from what I see

if at all

Before they need too.
ILs are currently rattling around in a huge house, in a village, limited public transport. It's been suggested that it might be the right time for them to look for a retirement or sheltered house, they weren't impressed with the idea.
I feel if they don't move in the next couple of years they never will but I think it will be a difficult situation when they aren't able to drive.

FIL died last year, 95 years worth of belongings as lived there his whole life. Loads of charity shop runs and had 3 skips and we need one more skip.
No work on the house for around 40 years ether, just kept clean and tidy by him and the occasional (Very smart) bodge job by FIL.

Yeah, been a lot of work going through it all - but in laws were happy in their house, a whole lifetime of memories. Means more to us that worrying about the work we had on our hands when he died.

My parents did it when they were 65. They moved from a 5 bed London home to a 2 bed London flat, near me and my sister. Dad died (of Covid 2 years later) and there was no way my mum would have been able to cope.

I’d say when they want to. Or not at all if they decide to make adjustments to stay in the big house (a lift, domestic staff). Its not for you to decide. Is this about inheritance at all?

I don’t have elderly parents but DH’s downsized in their mid seventies because they wanted to move closer to their daughter at the same time. I’m 55, fit and well, and want to buy an ‘easier’ house now.

More ageism on MN ! When they want to is the answer. It is also nothing to do with you. If my sons started poking their noses into my affairs I might be considering a very large bequest to the Cats’ Home.

Mine did it early 70's a decade on the spare room has about 3 rooms worth of stuff in and will never be sorted. I'd say get it done by early to mid 70's or it risks getting too much.

Do they want to move? Similar sized house here and we'll never move.

The issue is that the majority of elderly people don’t want paid help, strangers etc. They want the family to do it often daughters. Doesn’t matter if they live mikes away.

My Mum is a widow and in a big house with a massive garden, as in half an acre!! Despite suggestions from myself and siblings she refuses to downsize. She us struggling to maintain especially the garden and hasn't the funds to pay a gardener/garden repairs. It frustrates me how she lives hand to mouth week on week when her house is worth a fortune and if she downsized she could have a lovely quality of life. I would love to see her enjoy the rest of her life without worrying about money. But she doesnt want to and ultimately its her choice. She's 73. I dont agree, neither do rest of the family but what can we do 🤷‍♀️

Problem might well be she mentally associates the house with her husband and doesn’t want to let go of that - I’ve got a lovely lady 2 doors away, think posh , well travelled intellectual lady , always has her smart hair and lipstick - mid 80s - she too is a widow and her house and garden are enormous - it’s a 2000 sq ft Victorian semi , quite unique and gothic looking and I have to be honest I would find it a bit creepy on my own

My in laws moved practically next door to my SIL so she could look after them. She wasn’t consulted about it.

My parents died when I was in my early 20’s and I only have DH now and no kids. I’m 55 and niw trying to prepare in all ways possible to have all the ‘strangers’ I need to help us when the time comes.

I told DH when bought this house I'd be leaving it in a box and I meant it.

Its got a downstairs bedroom with a large ensuite & if necessary we could simply live downstairs. We have a gardener & a cleaner.

Not true if the house or garden need a lot of maintenance. It’s far easier to maintain a 1-bed flat with no garden and service charge than a 4-bed detached with huge garden no?

I don’t think elderly parents should ever have to downsize. However, wherever they are, and this might include a bungalow, they need contingencies in place if for example getting in a bath is suddenly impossible.

My father had an accident and that jolted him into downsizing into a nice bungalow as previously he was having to navigate the stairs.

I have friends who have parents with dementia and that’s where it gets really difficult because they’re mentally unable to see that they need to change their living situation

When they decide to.

I agree that they should move wheb they feel ready but ideally that time is now wheb they still hopefully have time to enjoy their new home.

The trouble a lot of older people find themselves in is that the have stayed too long and the next move will be to a care home.

After witnessing two generations rattling around in large, unsuitable houses, I'm counting my blessings with mine. It has enough ground floor space that I could live on the ground floor, keep a mobility scooter in the garage and has local/ community services close by or by public transport if I can't drive. The garden is modest and upkeep should be fairly straightforwards for a gardener and robotic mower.

DM spent about 20 years saying that she should downsize but has gone quiet about it in the last decade. Large, old, multi-storey, hoarded house. Can't live on one level or adapt it (listed building, solid brick walls). She'd seen her mother spending decades struggling in an awkward Victorian house, talked the talk but was never realistic about where she'd move to and never got things in gear.

If it hasn't happened by 75, the chances are that it won't on a voluntary basis. It just gets too overwhelming and tiring to deal with.

The key thing to consider is if the layout is adaptable to changing needs.

ILs are in their early 80’s, mobile and out walking daily but slowing down a bit. Just their walking pace!
Their house is definitely too big for them, they have 6 beds and 5 flights of stairs, they never really go up to the top 2 floors of their house and many rooms are totally unused unless anyone goes to stay.
They have toyed on and off over the years with selling up and downsizing so they have less wasted space and less of a job maintaining - it’s a big job looking after an old house, keeping on top of the bigger things to keep everything in good working order. Each time they’ve put it on the market they get cold feet and take it back down again and accept they’ll just live there forever.
realistically it would be very difficult for them to easily live downstairs, their kitchen and dining and utility rooms are all one floor down from the living areas on the next floor although the utility could be converted into a bathroom I suppose as there’s already a toilet in there.
I don’t think they’ll ever leave tbh.

Why is it your business what two adults do? Do you allow them to freely make comments about your life? Maybe they have opinions about how you live but are polite enough to mind their own business! Presumably if they downsize there will be a pot of money freed up and that's the agenda.

Bravo!