When should elderly parents downsize?

[Hogwartsian]

My parents are in their early eighties and still healthy and fit. They have a large 5 bed house with a large garden. They are still managing to maintain it, for now. I'm just wondering if there's a point when they should prepare for the day they can't manage it all anymore, and downsize to something more suitable?

Is anyone else in this situation? Or when did your parents downsize?

If they don't downsize for God's sake get POA and all the information you will need to sell their property eventually. Right now!

You can't do that if the parent/s are fully competent & able to manage their own affairs. I so wish that I could have done that for my mother, but she was fully competent right up to the end - we talking about a woman who did the Times crossword every day, was fully up to date on political matters, would advise me on the best way to invest money. There's no way that I could have got POA over her affairs.

Not much wrong with him mentally then if he’s browsing bungalows on Rightmove! Lol!! My FIL bought one last year at 85 - nice too and unusually small garden but a nice and well kept spacious 3 bedder ( he’s got one as his ‘office’ with big garage

I saw the consequences of my late parents not moving to a more suitable home. After my Dad died my Mum was left in a family home which was unmanageable in terms of maintenance and garden. Eventually she moved to a retirement flat. I am in the process of moving at the age of 62 as my house is too big and you need to drive everywhere. New eye tests coming in at 70 so no guarantee you will keep your licence. The whole buying/selling process is an absolute nightmare - plus all the decluttering. Can see the older you get the more CBA to move.

Mine did in their mid 70s, they were starting to find the garden difficult to maintain as it was on multiple levels with lots of steps. They also wanted to be closer to the airport and to a hospital.
Our neighbours are about that age now and clinging on to their house but really should sell up, the house and garden are rotting away around them due to lack of maintenance. We help out where they will let us but they hate taking any assistance

My DM moved into a 2 bed flat in her early 70s. It was stressful but she has done all her downsizing and loves her flat.
My DF and his wife moved from a 3 bed detached house with a huge garden to a 3 bed flat last year at 80 and it was extremely stressful for them..
But I am pleased they are both in suitable accomodation
My MIL and her husband, however, are in a 3 bed house and will not contemplate moving, she is already struggling with her mobility and the house is totally unsuitable for 'downstairs living'. Sadly if she gets worse or her husband gets ill/ goes first, she will end up in a care home, which she will hate.
MIL and my DF are 5 hours away from us in different directions.
My mum is nearer.
I will be downsizing by 75.

Do they actually need to downsize? If they have the funds, inclination and ability to keep their current house well maintained and in generally good condition, and it's potentially adaptable if needed such as a ground floor bathroom or able to have a stairlift put in, then they don't necessarily need to downsize.

i would say the ideal time to move is well before a health crisis makes it necessary - for most I would say that's probably early to mid 70's.

This topic came up on the ‘Elderly Parents’ board. At the risk of being very boring this is what I said there. I am 81, DH 75. Big Victorian house, high ceilings but in a great location, handy for town and walks along river and local castle, DS2 and 3 grandkids live nearby. Rather than setting about a radical clearing operation, hunting for a bungalow and selling this house we had a lift put in. It whisks me from a little study downstairs up to an identically sized room used for storing spare bedclothes. Absolutely life changing and enhancing.
We hope it will allow us to stay here for a few extra years.

Gotta love Great Uncle Geoff!

Mine refused. They told me every time I mentioned it that they werent ready. I repeatedly told them when they got to the point of ready they wouldnt be physically able to. That is exactly what happened. Then one parent died and the other couldnt manage physically in the house at all alone and was sent to a care home immediately. Ive told my dh were are moving to a more appropriate home well before we actually need one.

My mil watched her own mother become unable to use the upstairs of her home and so she moved to a very nice bungalow when she was still fit and able.

Whenever they want to. YABU to bring "should" into it. 🙄

I’m so glad my parents downsized when they did, in their early 60s. My mum got ill with cancer a few years later and her last couple of years were better for having a nice modern flat with a lovely view she could enjoy. My dad has managed the flat on his own until very recently when he’s employed a cleaner to help (he is quite frail). I think he’ll have to give up driving soon and he’s in a location where he can rely on public transport. I’m already browsing dream retirement flats and my youngest is only 12 😂

That's the problem - they can't know. Like pp said - "about five years before they need to". When they get frail, it's very hard to face it. My grandparents did it when they were both over 90, and it was very tough on them.

Can they afford a gardener, cleaner etc, if it became necessary? And would they be sensible and do it? The worry is that you end up in the common scenario where they refuse paid help and insist they can manage, when what they mean is they expect you to do it all.

My Dad was 76 when he downsized into a flat in an over 50s development. And truthfully it took him about 3 years to agree to it - he was in a huge rented house in a tiny village that he couldn't manage to keep up with, nor the garden. Thankfully the decision was shoved along by his dire finances. He loved being in a small town, it gave him far more independence as he could then shop/see GP etc without my input.

We've already said we'll downsize when we retire. DH wants to get a campervan so we need somewhere that's safe to be left for extended periods, and we're too rural where we are to be able to maintain independence if we can't drive. I'd rather do it too soon than too late. I used to work as a carer and saw so many elderly folk living in wholly unsuitable homes which just made their lives harder.

New eye tests coming in at 70 so no guarantee you will keep your licence. Thank heavens! (Speaking as someone whose car was written off last year by a very elderly driver in thick glasses 😒)
As many have said here before you need to. But from sad experience of FIL many absolutely refuse.

I am going to sound cold but I am heartily sick of hearing that very elderly people can decide for themselves. It will be the adult children propping them up, often being called every day for something they need help with ( and is very urgent of course!).

And the ‘I dont want to be a burden but…’

My name was given out to half the county because parent got very anxious and of course it was easier for them to pass on my details. Anything from organising a Covid jab to having her hair coloured was given to me. Parent wanted to stay in their old home whilst telling everyone else that she was doing just fine!

This!

If they haven’t shown any inclination to move by now, it’s probably too late. Could they convert a downstairs room to a bedroom if mobility becomes an issue?

What an awful and entitled post. What on earth makes you think someone can just “get” PoA over someone, let alone the presumption that their assets are simply something to be eventually managed on. They could well be planning on leaving it all to the cat shelter.

If they're in their 80s its possibly too late. The upheaval and stress of settling in a new house could be more than they can it want to cope with. Personally I'm staying put.

Bet they leave their adult child as Executor with the cats home breathing down their necks wanting their inheritance asap. It happened to a relative. She was named as Executor and all Uncle’s money was left to various charities.

Then she should have declined to role of executor.

Mine downsized at retirement - but that’s because they wanted to release funds to travel
DF died at 95 and DM is still able to live alone with carers (helped by being in a bungalow with wet room etc)
I am glad they did at right time as it’s helped us

I suppose you just have to think, what if? Nobody knows what old age will bring. My parents have lived in a practical bungalow for 50 years but dementia has already taken my mum into care in her mid 70s. MIL had significant mobility problems but managed with a stair lift and adapted bathroom for several years, but their house was already small, manageable and near family.

I think the crunch point is when they can't manage in the big house, such that it starts affecting other family members or all starts to unravel and become a hazard. By this point people often aren't physically or emotionally able to move house despite the benefits. So if they haven't already moved they probably won't now.

Rest of the family guilt tripped her to continue the role. The same relatives that are nowhere to be seen when something needs attending to.

Clearly you don’t have any idea how difficult it is looking after very elderly parents and the pressure it puts you under.

I'd say up to them but as a Social Worker I'm always surprised by a lack of planning/acceptance around getting older. If the house is set up for ground floor living e.g downstairs bathroom & ideally a spare room for a bed then that's great. I'd do anything to ensure I could stay in my home for as long as possible, even if it means downsizing, I regularly look at bungalows & I'm in my 40s!

this.