To feel annoyed at the PIL inappropriate comments

[7worldwonders]

So I'm Asian and husband is white British. Our kids look more asian (I'd say 80-20). When they're in the UK people would definitely know they are asian by looking at them. But when we're in Asia, people often come to me and say: "your children are so beautiful. Are they mixed?" as they do look different from local kids.

We moved to Asia a few years ago so don't see his family much. But when we do, sometimes his family could drop some comments like: "they look exactly like mum" or to my husband "DD doesn't look like you at all"

The other day, my FIL called our son by husband's name and to cover his embarrassment he said: "Oh I don't know how I made that mistake. Not like there's any resemblance really"

I brought it up to DH and said I can get a DNA test and next time they comment I'll show it to them (it's quite petty I know).
DH said "they spoke without thinking and didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"people only do DNA when there's doubt. I have no doubt so please don't bother"

AIBU to feel irritated by their comments?

He’s not saying anything that’s untrue, you say your children do look like you.

he didn’t say he doubted who their dad was.

I think you are making mountains out of molehills.

when I had our children both looked like dad, everyone commented on it, yeah it was annoying but that’s life.

You are taking something that is nothing and turning it into something massive. Guessing the kids don’t have a huge resemblance to their dad?, if not, it’s just being pointed out, there is nothing to infer you were having an affair to necessitate you rushing off for a DNA test.

We have one kid who looks nothing like either of us. If I had a dollar for everyone who joked he must be the milkman’s I’d rival Donald Teump for wealth. It’s just stuff people say when kids don’t bear a resemblance to parents, it’s not an insult.

You’re not being unreasonable, but I would reframe it and make sure you let them know how beautiful mixed children are. Don’t respond to them but make your own comments: I’m so glad the children have such lovely mixed heritage…they get the best of two cultures….

It was a slip of the tongue. You're overreacting massively

Crikey. Unless they have ever made comments directed at their skin colour / features, jumping straight to that conclusion is very unfair on them.

My PILs, in fact any family really will say ‘DC looks just like you’ ‘Omg it’s like looking at a mini TY’, ‘oh DC2 is just like a mini DP’.

Literally everyone I’ve ever known has commented on a resemblance of a child to one of the parents.

Getting a DNA test would be very weird.

You are massively overreacting. The children look like you, that’s all there is to it. You haven’t said anything that suggests they question parentage.

I also think you’re being a bit over sensitive… your children look like you - this is very lovely and normal. Often women complain their parents in law only claim to see a resemblance to their side of the family and they feel they are being erased. Unless there is a big back story, I don’t think you need to feel got at by these comments.

You are overthinking this.

I mean do they ready you on other ways that make you think they're racist or think you're a whore?

Otherwise it's just fact.
"i know, I love that they have my...."
"ah they're so beautiful"
"I did ask the work, only seems fair!"

I think you need to toughen up a bit.

Even you say the children look far far more like you than your husband….

He was being rude by saying there is no resemblance

People comment on our kids ressemblance to my husband or myself, or uncle X, or nanny when she was 5... all the time. And we're all white...

In my experience it's normal for DGP to comment on family resemblance (or lack of). DS looks just like me, both sets of DGP mention it fairly often. Do your own DP never comment on family resemblance?

When my half-Japanese niece and nephew were small neither looked like my brother at all, they looked like their mum. Now they are mid and late teens, even though they look markedly more Asian, there is a definite resemblance to my brother too.

Just let it go. Nobody is saying anything particularly untrue or taking potshots at their paternity.

Thanks, everyone.
I really don't mind them saying the children look like me, I often reply with "yes they're mini me" happily. But I think it's insensitive for them to keep saying how they don't look like my husband AT ALL.
I'm glad to hear I'm over-sensitive though - that means they did not try to be mean.

When someone says the truth and you have an issue with that maybe reorganise your thoughts

We have a similar situation in our family - my son looks absolutely nothing like me and is the spitting image of my DH. My brother’s daughter looks exactly like my (half-Asian) sister-in-law. It’s a bit of a family joke and our family (ie my brother and I) genes must be extremely weak! Nobody means anything by it - and it’s very much not an implication that one or other of us has been unfaithful - just a quirk of genetics.

YANBU

It’s rude.

What do you think father in law should have said instead of the truth? I'm just interested in what you think he should have said I'm not having a go.

But in any case you seem like you have a big chip on your shoulder because of the colour of your skin.

Well you live in Asia and you don’t see them much and when you do see them they sometimes say it . So I’m guessing they don’t say it much . You are over reacting. It’s not like you see them constantly and they keep saying it .

I'm going to go against the grain and say yanbu to be irritated, but I don't think they're actually questioning paternity. It sounds like they are disappointed to have grandchildren that don't look like them and it's coming out in little comments. My mil was rude about my baby having brown eyes, saying it's a shame! (my eyes are also brown and her family are all blue) I didn't take it as an accusation of cheating but did find it rude.

I said the children look more like me. I didn't say they don't look like their dad at all, or there's no resemblance. So FIL could just say: sorry I made a mistake and leave it at that?

I honestly have no problem with colour of my skin. I'm very proud of my heritage and quite often DH jokes "I'm so glad they've got your look. Imagine it's the other way around" and we just laugh.

I just think it's insensitive towards my DH when he's the one often gets the comments that his children don't look like him at all.

Unless the ILs are doing other rude comments, this sounds just like normal family talk.

I look 100% like my DM, always have and presumably always will. It was a standard joke in our family that DF had just had to take it on trust that his DNA was in there.

However his side of the family reacted by endlessly making comments that 'Anna has great uncle Robert's eyes' in desperation to find a resemblance. DF would basically laugh because it was so obviously untrue.

Some kids just look more like their mum or dad than a mixture of the two.