To feel annoyed at the PIL inappropriate comments

[7worldwonders]

So I'm Asian and husband is white British. Our kids look more asian (I'd say 80-20). When they're in the UK people would definitely know they are asian by looking at them. But when we're in Asia, people often come to me and say: "your children are so beautiful. Are they mixed?" as they do look different from local kids.

We moved to Asia a few years ago so don't see his family much. But when we do, sometimes his family could drop some comments like: "they look exactly like mum" or to my husband "DD doesn't look like you at all"

The other day, my FIL called our son by husband's name and to cover his embarrassment he said: "Oh I don't know how I made that mistake. Not like there's any resemblance really"

I brought it up to DH and said I can get a DNA test and next time they comment I'll show it to them (it's quite petty I know).
DH said "they spoke without thinking and didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"people only do DNA when there's doubt. I have no doubt so please don't bother"

AIBU to feel irritated by their comments?

And comment to the mother?

It’s silly anyway. Your grandchildren are individuals, they look like themselves with greater, smaller or non existent resemblances. Are people looking to breed pedigree grandchildren as if it were Crufts?

It's a shame you feel that they have this attitude.

There will be changes as they grow though in terms of who they resemble. If there is no ill intent though I think you should just try and forget about it.

My ex and I are both white. Ever since my kids were born I've been repeatedly told how they look nothing like me. I just laugh and say, "Well, I know they're mine, I was there when they were born." The way you're taking this so personally suggests the problem may be you, not them.

You are taking something that is nothing and turning it into something massive.

Erm not really. Reasonable ppl dont need to keep repeating the same comments over and over . It does get to a point where it can feel like a dig especially if its been taken to mean the kids look Asian and not white which isnt nice.

Op I do understand you , I really do but if this is the only silly thing they do then just dont even give it a 2nd thought especially if they otherwise love the kids. Next time, just point out that your husband doesn't look much like the fil either , see how that goes down 🤣🤣🤣

I think they're probably being casually racist. And a bit mean to you.

I would find it irritating but I suspect if I'd had kids, my mil would have said similar things to me, actually, my DM would too!

And we're both white, it would just be them being negative and trying to push buttons.

Op is not white though so dont compare your situation as it dont fit the post. Dont minimise others and how they might take a comment about looks.

I think you’re being too sensitive. My in-laws have said over the years that I’ve been having it away with the milkman because my child looks nothing like their son. We all laugh. My child is pale pale pale with blue eyes and my DH is dark haired, olive skin.

My Dad also says ‘God knows where our Claire got her nose from! Not from any of us!’

Just usual family chit chat and dare I say it but banter? I hate that word, but reading this I don’t think it’s anything to be angry about.

I’m surprised that 17% think OP is being reasonable. In my experience, most people are delighted to be told their child or grandchild looks like them.

My DH is one of 3 boys.
He is very fair with brown curly hair and hazel eyes
Next brother is very dark skinned, dark haired, dark eyed.
Literally no resemblance at all.
Last brother is blonde, blue eyed and fair.

The joke used to be the mailman, the post man and butcher...

I think his comment was entirely benign and you are reading too much into it. It might be worth asking yourself why you have reacted as you have.

I suspect that your son probably share mannerisms, speech patterns or bears a bigger resemblance when he smiles or frowns or jokes around. You get that funny glimpse of the parent even when they don't share the same features in a straight line up? Do you know what I mean?

I think you are being a little over sensitive. It doesn't sound malicious. GP's are always looking for a glimmer of family heritage irrespective of race and skin colour and they'll find something weird like - "look, she has Granny's earlobes" in extremis.

My mother in law always used to comment that our son looked nothing like her son and even once asked if he was the milkman's!
I didn't let it bother me I knew she was talking nonsense . I'm not even sure whether she meant it she thought she was joking.

Are your PIL otherwise racist or dicks to you or behave as if they are disappointed that you are married to their son? I imagine that it’s probably a bigger issue to you because you feel an undercurrent of something that is there or because it picks at an insecurity.

my MIL once said that she was pleased that my husband didn’t marry someone of an ethnic minority (like husband’s friend) as she’d be sad if there was no family resemblance with her grandchildren. It was a racist thing to say. Plus, it’s not really true as husband’s friends kids do have the wife’s colouring, but are like him and also look like him in many subtle ways, my MiL just reduces everything to skin and hair colour.

You're overthinking this, DS looks like a mini DH, I had to fly with him on my own and we and grandparents were making jokes about me getting stopped at security as he doesn't look like my child. We're both white. Ds also looks like a cuckoo in the nest with my family, my family are all short, curvy, pale, blue eyes and a lot of them are red heads. DS like DH is very tall, slim, dark eyes and tans with a glimpse of the sun. People comment on it, it's factual.

The children definitely have my husband’s personality but PILs may not spend enough time with them to see that.

I do think there are a lot of resemblance but the fact that they look asian those features could easily be overlooked.

If they are fine in other ways, this is just one of the things that gets said. I'm probably their age range. We say that my DD didn't get a look in, when it comes to her youngest. We are mixed and the differences are interesting. Although people assumed different Dads because of the complete opposite colouring. Obviously no question on maternity. When my DD's friend had children, two came out like their Dad, on a hot wash. Two like her. I'd (temporarily) fallen out with my Mum at the time I had my youngest and wouldn't admit to her being my Mum's double. I call my GC by my DC's names and sometimes have to point at them and say 'you there' because I often have no working memory.

i think it’s an older generation thing. I can see how it could upset you but they are probably being clumsy in their choice of words! I don’t doubt that they love their grandchildren. Just enjoy your beautiful children.

this feels like racist micro-aggressions tbh.

You want to protect your husband, you don’t have to protect him, he’s fine, totally comfortable with the children looking like you. It is not a negative.

I agree, I can't believe some people on this thread saying things like oh it's nothing, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It's old fashioned racism and your FIL is a jerk.

If they are otherwise decent people you could just say 'It hurts my feelings when you comment that the children don't look like DH. It makes me think you are hinting at something unpleasant, I hope that's not the case.'

People who don't have experience being part of a mixed family can't really say that the OP is overreacting. It's much more complex then than the usual PIL going on about DC looking/not looking like their darling son.

Why do people see racism where non exists 🤷‍♀️

Actually, I do.

I am half Indian. My first husbands family used to openly discuss what colour our baby would be when I was pregnant.

As it is, he turned out to be blonde haired and blue eyed like them (and my fathers family).

But still, his parents would always comment on how he looked nothing like dh, because of “his mother’s colouring”, of which he had none and as an adult, he still looks like he’s just flown in from Sweden. He was, and always has been, exh double. They just couldn’t see past their hatred for me and the embarrassment that ex h married me.

What I didn’t do was dwell on it and let it eat me up. It was a them problem. I cannot do anything about how other people act and what they say. I cannot only control my response to it.

They expected tears and tantrums. It was designed to hurt. I gave them nothing. I wasn’t going to let their comments make me have a moment of sadness. I don’t let other peoples word or actions dictate my feelings.

ETA I used to often get asked if I was his nanny when he was little. Combination of our different colouring, and the fact that I was 21 when he was born and we lived in a very affluent area where most mums were a lot older than me. (He was an absolute devil as a toddler, so I would often say, “yes I am the nanny” and blame the “parents” 😂)

Yes exactly.
I think it’s different when both parents are caucasian. When children look more dominantly of one race then other features are overlooked.

To be honest I’m grateful they look like me as I often get compliments how beautiful they are. But just the fact PILs often bring up the subject I was wondering if it’s a big deal to them and it’s the passive aggressive way of saying they wish the children look more like them.