To feel annoyed at the PIL inappropriate comments

[7worldwonders]

So I'm Asian and husband is white British. Our kids look more asian (I'd say 80-20). When they're in the UK people would definitely know they are asian by looking at them. But when we're in Asia, people often come to me and say: "your children are so beautiful. Are they mixed?" as they do look different from local kids.

We moved to Asia a few years ago so don't see his family much. But when we do, sometimes his family could drop some comments like: "they look exactly like mum" or to my husband "DD doesn't look like you at all"

The other day, my FIL called our son by husband's name and to cover his embarrassment he said: "Oh I don't know how I made that mistake. Not like there's any resemblance really"

I brought it up to DH and said I can get a DNA test and next time they comment I'll show it to them (it's quite petty I know).
DH said "they spoke without thinking and didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"people only do DNA when there's doubt. I have no doubt so please don't bother"

AIBU to feel irritated by their comments?

But why do you think it's insensitive towards your DH when he's obviously not bothered by it? You don't need to be offended on his behalf! Your PIL are not implying that they don't think he's the father, that's crazy 😂 my husband is Asian and 4 of our sons look like him but our middle son is blonde and blue eyed, lots of people have made jokes about him being the milkman's, it's just a silly joke and I don't take offence at it!

I wouldn't even think about it anymore. Two of my children look similar to DH. Our other child is a mini me.
It's just a fact that your kids look very similar to you. Unless your FIL has made other comments I think you're worrying over nothing.

I understand you OP. It's insensitive of them at best.
Not every thought or feeling should be expressed.

My husband is the eldest of 4. He is a mixture of his Mum and Dad, his sister looks like his Mum, his other sister looks like his Dad and his brother looks vaguely like his Mum around the eyes! My son looks more like my husband, with my shaped eyes and pale skin tone.

You appear to think your PIL are racist and are questioning your children's parentage. Your FIL seems to be saying, that your son looks more like you, and nothing like his Dad, as a statement of fact, not to question who his Dad is. My BIL looks nothing like his Dad, yet no one would think to question his parentage. It's fact, he doesn't look like my FIL!

I think you are perhaps overthinking the comments. Unless there's a backstory of your PIL disliking you, or being unhappy with their son choosing as Asian woman as his wife?? If not, then the comments aren't meant as a criticism of you and not meant nastily.

Well, are they like him in character, tastes? I am my mum´s absolute spitting image. Both families comment on it, neighbours commented, strangers commented when I was out and about with my mum. But I am more like my father in character, although I look nothing like him.

My BIL looks like no one in his family. They had this standing joke that he was the gasman´s. My MIL didn´t bat an eyelid and actually smirked and rolled her eyes. It was when they got hold of very very old photographs, that they discovered he was the spitting image of a relative two generations before his parents!

I called my son by the dog's name, frequently. Nobody ever questioned his paternity - it was a slip of the tongue that often embarrassed me (but I was tired and the dog's name was said more frequently).

I think, as many do, that you were just feeling a little bit over-sensitive. Let it go.

If they really are expressing disappointment they look 'too Asian' then I'm not surprised it's upsetting. Do you think they are possibly racist? I don't know but I wouldn't be happy if my PiL expressed anything close to racism.

I come from white british family and married a white british man both mothers used to get names mixed up between adult kids and their partners, husbands/wives and children. I think that "who children look like" is always going to be a topic of conversation and usually nothing is meant by it. Your husband doesn't seem bothered so in your place, i wouldn't be bothered either.

I honestly wouldn't worry. My son looks NOTHING like his father, is totally a mini me (although now over 6ft so not so mini) but he's totally his father personality wise and his father has regularly 'joked' saying 'Well we know he's mine but how do we know he is yours'?!

He's totally kidding as he was present at his birth anyone hearing him saying that has generally been momentarily shocked until they really think about what's been said!

I too think you are being oversensitive. People often see resemblances or lack thereof that we do not see ourselves.

I was not at all offended by the mixed up names though.
it’s the comment “son has no resemblance of his dad” was unnecessary and thoughtless.

sorry but I think this is your sensitivity rather than a bad comment.

Everybody who doesn't know my son's dad tells me he looks just like me. Anybody who knows his dad says they can't see anything of me in him at all apart from the colour of his eyes. Nobody is trying to upset me by saying so. I think you're overworking it OP.

Seriously being over sensitive most kids either look their mother or their dad a friend of mine has a son that looks like her and nothing like her husband and a son that looks like her husband and nothing like her. When people comment about it doesn’t mean they are questioning who the father is. In my family it’s a joke that my mum was the milkman’s daughter because she doesn’t look like her dad it was never taken as anyone questioning her paternity or her mums faithfulness it was just a joke. In fact my grandad (her dad) used to joke about him himself.

My kids are same - Asian and White (I am white). DS looks exactly like his dad and there’s not one bit of me in there! People say it all the time, I don’t find it offensive in the slightest.

Someone factually stating that your children look like you would not be rude. His "don't know how I made that mix-up when you look nothing alike" comment comes across as a bit snide or passive-aggressive, though.

He had no need to say anything beyond "Steve - sorry, I mean Jack, could you pass me the remote, please?"

I get it in that maybe you feel they are only seeing Asian features and can't see the person within that. Like perhaps they have different skin/hair/eye colour from your son and that's preventing the PILs from noticing that actually they have the exact same nose or build or whatever. Like the difference in ethnicity blinds them to specific features and they can't see that the children really are half him?

I am caucasian and have one child who looks like a 50/50 mix of me and her caucasian dad, which everybody comments on - but our second seems to bear no resemblance to him whatsoever. Nobody comments on that directly unless I do so first (light-heartedly). On the other hand nobody says "ooh she looks just like Auntie Mabel" or "same hairline as her grandpa" which are the sort of comments we get with our first. I think if my in-laws were to continually comment on how little she looked like her dad, I'd be a bit upset too.

guilty conscious maybe?

I don’t think they’re racist. But I think there might be a little bit of disappointment there. (Not the fact they’re half Asian, just the fact they don’t look more like their side of family. They never expressed it but I think it’s projected through their repeated comments).
I understand how they might like the grandchildren look a bit more like them though. As the children look more asian, when PILs go out with grandchildren for example, it doesn’t look obvious that they are with their grandchildren (which you don’t experience with same race marriage)

YABU.

I'm white, my dh is Sth Asian, our dd was my double when she was small. I was quite disappointed when she was born, no lovely dark brown eyes, no mop of black hair, she showed no resemblance at all to her father at all. I made a joke about her questionable paternity to everyone, incl. his family.

It's just natural to think that your kids/grandkids might look a bit like you is all, it's not that deep.

As it is, now she's older she now looks less like me and just more like herself, and turns out she has the same feet as him, and is also very clumsy like him, genetics aren't just about facial features.

I think they are allowed to feel that though arent they?

If you were a white woman complaining about your MIL making nuanced comments you would have an army of MNers suggesting witty / passive aggressive keyboard warrior come-backs.

The fact is, they are not just absorbing the mixed-racial basis of your family, they are making it a thing. In small unconscious ways.

You are not being ‘over sensitive’ you are recognising that.. An oyster is not being over sensitive to a tiny grain of sand.

I hope you find a way to deal with it. I think I would just say “our kids are mixed: old news” and change the subject.

God, people usually moan that PIL keep saying their children look like the fathers side of the family.

They can’t win!

You need to let this go. It’s not important and holding onto it will make you miserable in the end.

SIL is a blue eyed blond, yet their son took after by brother and was the cutest little Asian baby. Everyone who didn’t know them, thought she was the nanny, or he was adopted.
The only thing I got from my dad was his mole!
Children don’t always have the characteristics of both parents.