To feel annoyed at the PIL inappropriate comments

[7worldwonders]

So I'm Asian and husband is white British. Our kids look more asian (I'd say 80-20). When they're in the UK people would definitely know they are asian by looking at them. But when we're in Asia, people often come to me and say: "your children are so beautiful. Are they mixed?" as they do look different from local kids.

We moved to Asia a few years ago so don't see his family much. But when we do, sometimes his family could drop some comments like: "they look exactly like mum" or to my husband "DD doesn't look like you at all"

The other day, my FIL called our son by husband's name and to cover his embarrassment he said: "Oh I don't know how I made that mistake. Not like there's any resemblance really"

I brought it up to DH and said I can get a DNA test and next time they comment I'll show it to them (it's quite petty I know).
DH said "they spoke without thinking and didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"people only do DNA when there's doubt. I have no doubt so please don't bother"

AIBU to feel irritated by their comments?

The OP never said her children don’t look like their father. She said they look more Asian than white. Her PIL (and many posters it seems) are blinded by that. They can’t see past the Asian appearance to see any similarity to their son. OP thinks there are physical similarities and similar personalities too.

Of course not. I was replying to some posters that I have no problem with my own race so I’m not upset with the fact the children look like me. I do think the comments PILs make were insensitive though.

Oh for goodness' sake! She's saying her children are beautiful in her eyes so when somebody says they look like her she feels happy because maybe she shares some of their beauty. She's not swanning around preening over how her kids got her gorgeous genes and not her husband's fugly ones!

And fwiw I get this with my youngest all the time. She's a beautiful toddler (as lots of toddlers are). Strangers comment on her beauty (as I'm sure they do for lots of toddlers). They also say she looks just like me. I don't think of myself as beautiful but I see how beautiful she is and I'm happy people see a resemblance between us. It's really not that deep.

But you do say quite clearly that you are beautiful and your children resemble you and you are glad about it and take it as a compliment until your PILS mention it. You also don't live in the same continent as your PILS. It must be hard for them.

But then why take such exception to her PILS accidently calling one of her children by the wrong name and then apologising for it.

Can you imagine if a man wrote, glorying in his children looking beautiful like him, and being pleased they looked nothing like their mother.

I look nothing like my mum did, people used to comment all the time I looked like my dad. You say they look 80% Asian. Your PIL are just stating facts.

The is how I took it too - not questioning paternity but more disappointed they don’t look like their son.

OP, 84% of 769 voters think you are being unreasonable. Do you accept that your anger was unreasonable or do you not accept the majority of opinions on here.

I think you’re being massively over sensitive tbh. My situation is reversed, 2 of my dc look nothing like me at all! They’re the image of their dad .. everyone comments all the time about this - doesn’t bother me in the slightest, we just have a good laugh about it 🤷‍♀️

I don’t look like either of my parents. I don’t look like any of my siblings. None of my siblings look like each other and none of my siblings look like my parents either. These are conclusions we’ve come to as we’ve grown up.

I can’t imagine how it would have felt as a child to constantly be told that I don’t look anything like one of my parents, and especially my father. I don’t think it would have done too much for my fragile self-esteem.

You people don’t seem to understand that there is a big difference between saying, ‘Gosh, you’re the double of your mother’ and saying a child doesn’t look anything like their father. The first statement is positive and the second is negative. You may think the second statement but it’s rude to vocalise it, let alone repeatedly.

This is also my take

I have mixed race kids. We talk about how they look and who they resemble all the time as it’s an affectionate thing when they resemble someone in either family we love and it frequently changes as they grow up. I’m guessing that quite possibly your pil was trying to cover his discomfort about getting names wrong and with the best will in the world, you need to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and motivations rather than imagine some slight towards you. Otherwise you’ll end up creating tensions and burning boats like Harry and Meghan and no one wants
to end up there….

Hopelasts your thinking is twisted. The OP was saying that, in her opinion, the beauty comes from the fact that the children are mixed ethnically.

But they don't live in the UK, they live in the OP's country so the PILS are not around the great majority of the time to comment on looks. It feels mighty like the poor PILS cannot do right.

Right.

So many posters saying it doesn’t bother them so OP shouldn’t be bothered either ignoring the fact that it is still rude.

They could be a bit sad that their grandchildren don’t look like them but that doesn’t mean they aren’t being bloody rude about it.

YABU. They weren't being rude or trying to be hurtful- it's just a fact. DB has a child with an Asian woman- his son def looks more like the mother at a first glance but has some mimics and personality traits that are def db. The only time db would be offended is if a comment would be racist towards his son. Saying that he looks like his mother is not an insult ! She's beautiful and I bet you are too @7worldwonders .

This, exactly.
I have said multiple times in the thread that I have no problem the children look like me.
But stating ‘they don’t look AT ALL like their daddy’ is insensitive and thoughtless

And the fact that they do have the resemblance of their dad, it’s not dominant but it’s there. Just because they have brown hair brown eyes and “look asian”, people just completely ignore the resemblance.

Our children often proudly say I have this from daddy and that from mummy. It’s just how they’re made who they are and I want them to be proud of their heritage being mixed race. It’s not very nice for them then be told “you don’t look at all like your daddy” repeatedly.

It’s easy to feel sensitive about this especially when skin colour is involved but I’d advise to try and not fret about it.

My MIL has made it a hobby to try and figure out which member of her family my kids resemble most. She adores her dgc and she is a lovely MIL but sometimes I do feel she somehow blames me for my slightly dominant genes. I have once or twice apologised for my kids being “too much like me” since it seems to help keep the peace a bit.

She was concerned that my son as a young baby didn’t look like her side of the family. (In truth, my son didn’t look a lot like me either - he was more like my own dad). In my dark moments I wondered if perhaps she thought I’d been unfaithful. I did explain that boys in my family are born blonde and then turn brunette later and produced adequate photographic of my brothers, dad and uncles as evidence!

Anyway now the kids are older and thankfully growing out of their similarities to my family so the topic comes up far less often. Although truthfully I look at my dd and I don’t see me, I see my mum - which is both painful and wonderful as my mum passed away and it’s lovely to see my dd grow up so similar to her

How old are your children @7worldwonders (sorry if I've missed it)? I ask because our daughter looked NOTHING like ME when she was little. She was literally the spitting image of her dad, eyes, dimples, little button nose, mannerisms, everything! Everyone commented without thought as it is possible that I might NOT have been her birth mother. But I realised it for what it was, just a random observation, no ill will intended. I used to joke that my husband was her father but I wasn't her mother... Clearly, since I was there at the emergency C-section and have the scars to prove it, there was no question about parentage.

However, when she got to early teens, she suddenly started looking a bit like me, and then a LOT like me and you can clearly see I'm her mother when we compare photos of when I was that age. Much to her chagrin as I have mad curly hair and a big nose and she's terrified she'll suddenly get them too! 😂

I suspect you PIL are trying too hard to prove they are NOT racist and ending up putting their foot in their mouth. Don't take umbrage, it's a compliment that your beautiful children look like their beautiful mum and have inherited her strong genes! 😍

Comments like this are verging on “all black people look the same” territory…

OP has said they look more Asian than Caucasian but still look like both parents. The grandparents constantly go on about how the kids look “nothing like their dad” just because they have darker hair and skin. They cannot see any of the similarities the kids share with their dad because they cannot see beyond race. This is absolutely not bizarre behaviour by OP, the grandparents are out of line and should be mortified.

But their Daddy isn't bothered.

Stop looking for problems where they are none.

I actually think that you are right it feels like they are disappointed that children don’t look like their son hence their comments.
and their comments do have a bit of racist undertone. It’s probably not what they mean but it comes across like that.
I was on receiving end of this . When my DD was born she looked like a copy of her dad, nothing from me. And my mum commented about this: oh nothing from you. I know my mum well and she was disappointed. My sister’s child looked exactly like her and I felt that it definitely helped mum to relate to them better whereas she struggled a bit with my DD. Both DH and I are white so there was nothing racist about it but it was about expectations. My mum definitely expected that all her grandchildren would look certain way and DD was a disappointment.
I had a few strong words with mum and it helped but I still remember her words at the beginning, it was hurtful.

So I would explain your DH again that even if there was no bad intention some words might come across hurtful and I would ask him to talk to his parents.
Sorry for the long post.

I have bi-racial nephews and nieces, they look like their dad, it’s not racism (we are the brown mums side and they are white passing) it just is. No-one cares that much about it tbh.

My same ethnicity in-laws always tell me how much mine look like their family, my MIL especially is loathe to see any of me in DC, it’s just normal slightly annoying family talk, nothing to get upset about. You are way overthinking this.

You said yourself they look 80% like you! Sadly none of my 3 kids look like me, my husband's family genes are far stronger. I wouldn't be offended if someone said it - it's true.