To feel annoyed at the PIL inappropriate comments

[7worldwonders]

So I'm Asian and husband is white British. Our kids look more asian (I'd say 80-20). When they're in the UK people would definitely know they are asian by looking at them. But when we're in Asia, people often come to me and say: "your children are so beautiful. Are they mixed?" as they do look different from local kids.

We moved to Asia a few years ago so don't see his family much. But when we do, sometimes his family could drop some comments like: "they look exactly like mum" or to my husband "DD doesn't look like you at all"

The other day, my FIL called our son by husband's name and to cover his embarrassment he said: "Oh I don't know how I made that mistake. Not like there's any resemblance really"

I brought it up to DH and said I can get a DNA test and next time they comment I'll show it to them (it's quite petty I know).
DH said "they spoke without thinking and didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"people only do DNA when there's doubt. I have no doubt so please don't bother"

AIBU to feel irritated by their comments?

Has your husband said he’s bothered? If not, stop trying to find or take offence for him. He knows his parents.

To your last point - has DH ever voiced this? Or are you getting upset on his behalf?

Slip of the tongue

you don’t see them often so I’d just laugh and move on

If the problem is that you feel the comments insult your DH, why are you trying to escalate the situation when he is not bothered?

Think you’re reading something in to a comment that wasn’t meant and completely over-reacting.
Some children look more like one parent than the other and some are absolute doubles of one parent; when people comment on it they aren’t questioning whether the other is the actual biological parent.
Gees I’ve said and heard people say that they’d be no need for a dna test to identify the parent of a child (could be mother or father) because they are so alike. It’s just a jokey observation that they are spitting images, nothing else. The more a child looks like one parent, the more people will comment on it. Can be the same with mannerisms and expressions.

You’re making something out of nothing.

DGS is DS2’s twin. DDIL had a 4D scan when she was pregnant and everyone commented that the baby was a “mini DS2”. People always say how much he looks like his dad, because he does. And sometimes me and DH make a slip of the tongue and call him by DS’s name just like PILs used to call our sons by DH’s name and my mum used to call my nieces by my sister’s name. There’s nothing behind it at all.

Well BIL made a rude comment years ago to DH "DD looks so asian, are you sure it's yours?"
but it was brothers talk and brothers could often deliberately mock each others so I just let it slip.

I’m white and my DH is Asian. I feel nothing but pride when people comment that my DD is the spit of him, it’s never occurred to me to be a bad thing or offensive. Maybe it’s different because I know she is mine as I grew her but I am so grateful she looks just like her dad, I love both of their faces

obviously no need to do a paternity test. But getting the wrong name which is normal as it it’s son and grandson - then saying “it’s not like there’s any resemblance” is so unnecessary and flippant

Actually I do get annoyed when my MIL comments on her “lovely pale skin” and fusses over any sun ever touching her in case she gets a tan. I do protect her skin for her wellbeing but I don’t want her picking up on the colourism

Are they inappropriate comments?

I’ve heard said to DH ‘did you have anything to do with it?’ ‘Was there even a man involved?’ (Because she’s the double of me)

We weren’t at all offended, it’s just an observation.

He's not critiquing your children's ancestry just saying they don't have his family resemblance. He may be disappointed in this but it's not a slur against you.

The insinuation is that your DH is not the dad, so I would also be a bit annoyed at that. If they just said the kids look like you that’s one thing, but repeatedly saying they don’t look like your DH is unnecessary. I think I would say they do look more like me but DH is definitely their dad so no need to mention it all the time. They will hopefully realise it’s a bit rude and unnecessary

It was just a slip of the tongue.

My late MIL often called me Fred or Colin (I'm female), & I just ignored it.

I can see it being annoying if they can’t see past the colour of their grandkids’ skin. Since you say the kids have some resemblances to their dad, I’d be pointing those out ‘Oh, I think he has his dad’s nose/chin/smile - I’m surprised you can’t see it.’ But a paternity test is a totally unnecessary overreaction to a few throwaway comments.

Why?

Is he bothered?

Two of mine don't look like their father. He's not remotely bothered

7worldwonders · Today 09:44
I really don't mind them saying the children look like me, I often reply with "yes they're mini me" happily. But I think it's insensitive for them to keep saying how they don't look like my husband AT ALL.

I wonder whether AIBU just tends to attract contrarians or whether these posters are just so socially inadequate that they simply can’t see that it is rude and potentially upsetting for your PIL to repeatedly make the point that they don’t think your children look like their father. And just because they look more Asian doesn’t mean they don’t look like their father at all.

I suspect the majority of responses just show that many white British people don’t like to hear ethnic minority people make a fuss, as they see it, about ethnic minority issues. They see us as always being so sensitive, always looking for the racial angle that they blunder in and fail to engage with the actual situation, rather than the scenario they’ve created in their own minds.

I think this is normal of all parents if I’m honest. My dd looked a lot like my dh when she was born but now is my double. My in laws always joke that my ds is spitting image of his dad but the kids don’t look likesiblings at all. I just take it with a pinch of salt.

Unless they are being rude or making inappropriate comments regarding skin colour etc then I would brush it off.

Do you really think they're implying you had them with another man? I don't think that's it.

I think it's just factual that they much more look like you. You said in the UK everyone thinks they are Asian. And it's only in Asia people think they're mixed.

But it shouldn't be seen as an insult because there's nothing wrong with looking Asian. But GPs will notice if the family resemblance is there in certain features or not.

The kids will probably start to look more like your H's side when they get older.

In general: people chat shit. About kids looks oh, he’ll break hearts / she’ll be a stunner / size, height, weight, boys are like this / girls are like that etc etc, much of it inappropriate and affirming stereotypes.

Mixed race kids get extra. I am especially irritated by the “mixed race children are so beautiful “ comment. What do they mean? A black / brown parent’s genes are better with half white, to improve black / brown ?? White is not interesting enough and needs some ‘exotic’ genes to look better??

And people who are not totally familiar with a completely diverse environment notice it all and comment.

It is annoying. But so ubiquitous I had to stop letting it get to me. Sometimes I responded.
”oooh, she’s very dark isn’t she?” “No, quite light, considering” “I find children of all backgrounds wonderful “ Etc

Alongside all this: people do say family names wrongly all the time. No big deal.

No I don't think they're implying that I'm unfaithful. My DH often jokes his parents love me and trust me more than they do with him.

But I think there's some certain level of disappointment as the children look "too asian" and don't look like them. And I don't like them to project that disappointment to DH or the children. For me, those comments are not very kind and thoughtful.
Other posters here seem to have no issue with it though, so I could be over-sensitive here.

I do think there’s scope for saying coolly they look quite a bit like dh actually you just can’t see past skin colour.

they may not even realise you’re clearly you’re just too racist to see it.

My take on it was he got their names muddled up - which happens. He was more questioning himself as to why he muddled up the names as they don't look like each other - but that could be something as straightforward as DH has a beard and DS doesn't.

To take this as him questioning paternity is bizarre.

Edited to explain my son and my sister have named that start with the same two letters. I often say the wrong name, and "you don't really look like each other" would be true, not a slur on either of them.

Huh? Calling your grandson your son’s name is a slip of the tongue. OP is not upset about that.

Saying, ‘I don’t know why I did that. They don’t look alike at all’ is rude and unnecessary. Sometimes people make the odd inappropriate comment. None of us is perfect. However, repeatedly making these kinds of comments is rude and hurtful, to their son, as well as OP.

Agree. The comments and voting were as I expected for MN.

My own in-laws and parents say our children has xyz of me and xyz of DH. It’s not hard.