To feel annoyed at the PIL inappropriate comments

[7worldwonders]

So I'm Asian and husband is white British. Our kids look more asian (I'd say 80-20). When they're in the UK people would definitely know they are asian by looking at them. But when we're in Asia, people often come to me and say: "your children are so beautiful. Are they mixed?" as they do look different from local kids.

We moved to Asia a few years ago so don't see his family much. But when we do, sometimes his family could drop some comments like: "they look exactly like mum" or to my husband "DD doesn't look like you at all"

The other day, my FIL called our son by husband's name and to cover his embarrassment he said: "Oh I don't know how I made that mistake. Not like there's any resemblance really"

I brought it up to DH and said I can get a DNA test and next time they comment I'll show it to them (it's quite petty I know).
DH said "they spoke without thinking and didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"people only do DNA when there's doubt. I have no doubt so please don't bother"

AIBU to feel irritated by their comments?

I think most people are missing the point here that the kids do look like their father, they just have darker skin/hair. And it sounds like the PIL are so obsessed with skin/hair colour that they choose not to acknowledge or even see any familial resemblance. Which is absolutely racist and needs to be addressed before the kids start picking up on it.

OP ignore all these people minimising your irritation. Mumsnetters hate to recognise racial bias.

So different but the same.

I had a cat. Gorgeous little terror. And when he was gone I wanted another. But visually I needed a different type of cat. A visual similarity would have made me wish new cat was the old cat and would fuel feelings of grief and guilt.

So new cat looks nothing like the old one. Hes needier, less intelligent, adorable chaos. But when he works his ticket, he uses very similar tactics to manipulate me into treats. And when hes naughty, I sometimes call him old cats name.. at first it made me feel guilty, now it makes me feel nostalgic and happy like old cat is still in my thoughts and new cat is the right pet for me

You son may not look like his dad but maybe his movements, voice, mannerisms, interests mimic his dad and his grandparents mixed up the names seeing the similarities you cant actually see. But then in their mistake they were like oh dont know how I did that they hardly look alike. Because maybe even they didnt in the moment realise the mistake is because they recognise similarities they didnt see. Or because at their age they'll internally catastrophise the mistake is a sign of dementia or something so try and minimise their error.

Dont over think this. Dont let DH either.

I get the annoyance, but not worth causing family drama. I get the opposite comments and get annoyed! I would potentially just comment about the features or personality traits that remind you more of DH that might decrease your PIL comments and stop you feel quite so irritated by them.

This sounds like a you problem.

And as for "racist micro-aggressions" - this was a total innocuous comment that every single parent who does not look like their kid gets. My sons are clones of my husband, to the point where we once went out and it was assumed I was the nanny. I quite often comment myself how I wish any of them had any of my genes. As you have eyes, and have noted that they look more like you, I really don't understand why you're letting this bother you, especially as it doesn't bother your husband.

This is not the same as pointed comments like some have said.

OP there’s plenty of kids don’t look like one parent. Surely you realise if they look Asian and have your features then they look like you! I find you more bizarre than your in-laws.

It's not unusual. My family all say my children look just like me. They can't see past the nose and the eyes. My daughter has my husbands face shape, his ears, his hair colouring.

I see it a lot with other peoples children. There's little resemblance and suddenly the child smiles, or gives you a quizzical look and there's the omg, you're the image of X moment.

When my DC was born I was told repeatedly by MIL he looks nothing like me and only looks like DH.
It is unnecessary and thoughtless for anyone to say that but unfortunately a lot of people have no filter and no concept of whether what they say could cause upset.

Is it bothering you because you think they are being racist OP? If so have they made other comments that of this nature? If you think they are then that is really bad and is definitely something you would need to address with your husband. If not then I think you are overreacting. It would be a shame to burn bridges if this is a misunderstanding.

My dd is her father's doppelganger. We're both the same race but my family just didn't show up anywhere. It's commonly commented on in our family. I take no offence at all and my dh definitely doesn't. I think, because there is a race element here, you're seeing it as racist but it's most likely not meant that way.

Yep! Slip of the tongue.
Stop overthinking this. Move on.

My in laws think my kids only resemble my husband in looks, personality, everything. If they’re good at maths, husbands genes. Got lovely eyes, husband. Getting up to mischief, husband. It’s quite irritating 😆

Of my children, the youngest ( who is an adult BTW) is always being told he looks just like me. Family, friends, everyone says it. It's just a common thing to say. He looks nothing like his dad, not one feature looks like his dad. I think you need to stop over thinking. The reason they say it often is because kids do sometimes change and start to have features like both parents, sometimes they don't. It's really that simple.

Yeah I agree. The comments and casual musings about who looks like who are one thing, but saying "i don't know why I said that, he doesn't look anything like DH" goes a bit far IMO. Unnecessary.

DH and I are both variations on white. When DS1 was born, everyone commented that he was my clone but by about age 3, everyone said he was the spit of DH and it's been that way ever since. DS2 has always looked more like DH. There's very little resemblance to me, and lots of people comment on how like their dad they both are. I'm sure I've had plenty of input, but it's not as visible. No DNA test needed.

You are being ridiculously over-sensitive and taking as insults comments that are perfectly normal and reasonable. What is wrong with saying that your children look like you, or don’t look like your DH, if that is a fact? It’s something that’s often said in families. Older people especially like to look for family resemblances.

Or maybe it’s the cultural thing?
Where we live I sometimes get comments that the children have this look from me and that from dad but no one has ever commented that they don’t look at all like their dad.

For the first 3 weeks of DS1s life,my DM kept going on about he had 'Uncle Tom's chin'.

No one thought I'd banged Uncle Tom 😁

Small talk I'd wager.

@7worldwonders
You write 'To be honest I’m grateful they look like me as I often get compliments how beautiful they are.'
I think you are inadvertently complimenting yourself here. Perhaps you are very beautiful. Most people wouldn't make a comment boasting about their own beauty. Your PILS might have been told so many times that they resemble you and not your plain husband that they dare not suggest that they think the children resemble your husband at all.
Your PILS live a long way from you and you don't seem at all kind about them. Does everyone tread on eggshells about the children having anything about them that resembles your husband.

Is it a cultural thing to remark on your own beauty? Many people in the UK are self deprecating and wouldn't bang on about their own beauty.

It’s to respond to some of the posters asking why would I be upset that the children look like me, or if I feel resent due to my skin colour.
So I said I actually feel grateful and take it as a compliment. It’s not about the fact the children look more asian that bothers me, it’s the fact PILs keep bringing up that they don’t look AT ALL like my husband that annoys me.

Overreacting

Do you say to them that you are pleased that they resemble you because you are beautiful and your husband is not. That would be offensive to many parents.

On the one hand you maintain that you are grateful because your children resemble you and you take it as a compliment but you resent your PILS acknowledging that they look like you because you are ready to take offence at whatever they say.

So? You're being ridiculous and loads of older people muddle family members names up.

My in-laws used to do something like this relating to intellect, going through all the relatives on their side of the family who were really clever to explain why our daughter was bright. It literally didn’t seem to cross their minds that it could be anything to do with me or my side! 😂