How would you split the bills?

[Tashaa]

Household is me, DP, his three children aged 8-13 who are here weekends and holidays, and our shared DS aged 2, who is in nursery 4 days a week.

I work 4 days a week, he works 5. I earn 50k, he earns 40k. I generally buy anything DS needs. Our bills are about 4.2k a month. Mortgaged house in need of repairs.

AIBU: split bills according to percentage of household income earned
AINBU: split bills 50/50

I suspect many of those stating you are unreasonable did not have the information that you went into debt during maternity leave after exhausting your savings due to paying such a high proportion of joint costs when they voted.

Does one of you have 4 kids and one of you has only one kid? If not, I'm not sure how your finances are relevant to the OP.

I really don't like this. He stood by and let you blow through your savings on maternity leave and has now got the arseache because he thinks things are unfair

You need to tell him what you will pay to cover you and half of your mutual DC. Which will not be half of a huge mortgage and the bills. That's it. You need to build up your own savings.

If you were in his position he wouldn't subsidise you. As a poster up thread said he's a grifter.

He has 5 children to house, one of which is also yours

so when you got together and living in the work flat - did the 3 older kids stay with him and I assume he paid for all stuff for them

Sorry I think this goes deeper than percentages. I also think that as adults you should be able to agree a solution you’re both happy with.

I get your point that you had to get a bigger house because of his kids, but then on his side you presumably agreed to this. If you didn’t want a 2k a month mortgage then you could have discussed a different solution- maybe his kids shared, or your joint son comes in with you at weekends or you have a sofa bed in the study which someone uses at the weekend? Equally you do get the “benefit” of a nice spacious house.

Once you’ve calmed down I would really break the costs down and show him what the mortgage would be like on a smaller place. Give him the option that you downsize, or move to a different area (you have to mean it).

But say that if he wants you all to stay in the same house, the whinging and whining stops, expenses are split 50/50 and if he wants more spending money he can cut down in other areas.

Yes, this is the sticky bit. He needs to pay his DCs' costs - food, heating, water etc. 3 DC are likely to add up to quite a bit!

I think he should pay 60% at least and you should pay 40% at most.

Do not put yourself in a financial vulnerable position because your OH cannot budget or support his DC.

Sounds like lots of poor choices were made here (why have another child with a man that has 3 kids already and you saw his financial issues??) Bit of a moot point i guess as you cant magic away your child but you either need to get to a decision together or leave. Harbouring this resentment isnt useful for anyone.

No he has four total, one is joint with OP and three are his with his previous partner.

Yep this

If its mortgaged though then you are benefiting from the asset as an investment. So I dont think the size of house is an issue re what you should pay. I see the bills point a bit more but actually a large amount of most services is the charge rather than use and it probably isnt masses extra usage for the limited time they are there - not like he has shared care. I do think things like thr car etc should be negotiated as they're purchased and he pay more. But it isnt a simple division exercise - I think you should compare to hire costs for a 5 seater for example.

It’s incredible how these men manage to get two women to be more financially responsible for his kids than he is.

I don’t think you’ve mentioned who is practically responsible for them when they are with you? Who’s shopping and cooking for them? Who does the laundry? Who does bedtimes, homework, entertaining them?

Of course he pays more. They are his kids!!

But then surely the stuff he isn't spending I bills is going on family stuff anyway?

Don’t forget @Tashaa you are a stepmother on mumsnet and so many of the 40% will take the view “you knew what you signed up for” and that includes paying more for your husbands children than he does 🙄🙈

But he should pay MORE because he has more children, not less.

I'd see all the costs for all of the children as household costs. You've chosen to have a committed relationship with someone who has children.

You should pay 55% of the household costs and he should pay 45%.

if you would be better off and him worse off if you lived separately then he is using you

And the fact paid the deposit. Thank God you ring fenced it

They’d be household costs if they were joint children. They aren’t. His children are his responsibility alone.

Choosing to having a relationship with a father is not the same thing as accepting financial responsibility for his children.

We're all different. But I would never have that attitude. All costs in my house are central costs and shared by both of us.

No, it’s going on fags and maintenance to kids that aren’t hers.

And your partner has 3 children that you pay for ?

till in the position many seem to find it hard to understand why op gets pissed off

her extra earnings pay for his kids. His earnings pay for his cigs

Giving up smoking is a good idea but surely you aren't suggesting he should stop paying maintenance?