How would you split the bills?

[Tashaa]

Household is me, DP, his three children aged 8-13 who are here weekends and holidays, and our shared DS aged 2, who is in nursery 4 days a week.

I work 4 days a week, he works 5. I earn 50k, he earns 40k. I generally buy anything DS needs. Our bills are about 4.2k a month. Mortgaged house in need of repairs.

AIBU: split bills according to percentage of household income earned
AINBU: split bills 50/50

i earn about 10k more than my DH. We pay exactly the same into the joint account to cover bills, expenses, etc and I buy stuff like the kids clothes, some day trips, school expenses (only eldest in reception class so no big expenses/school dinners yet) out of my account rather than the joint account.

Given that he has 3 extra kids to cover costs for it should definitely be at least 50/50 if not him paying a higher amount.

50:50 is more than fair considering how disproportionately his situation contributes to how much the household costs.

Perhaps estimate how much less a 2-3 bed house, smaller car and lower food shop would cost and show him those numbers to illustrate this to him as he seems oblivious.

Something else you could put to him could be how much better off the household would be if you worked full time and he worked part time with him doing whatever you do on your on working day as you earn more than he does. Then you could both see an increase in spending money.

Plus obviously he'd be a lot better off if he wasn't setting fire to (presumably) hundreds of pounds a month by smoking.

If he thinks he's short of money, he needs to realise that it's his circumstances and choices that are the major contributor to why.

No, I'm really not, and you know it.

Don't let him reduce hours and become primary carer to your DC. He's a grifter and you will end up paying him maintenance. He's disgusting for moaning about contributing 50% when his expenses are more like 70%. He's also a selfish cunt for wasting money on cigarettes when he's not even paying his way.

Have you done the maths, OP, to see where you'd be financially if you were on your own with your son? I think if you did this, you'd leave him. You wouldn't need to change your hours to full-time, because you wouldn't be funding this grifter and his kids.

I couldn’t afford this house on my own, but I wouldn’t need a house this big. If I went back to full time I could afford a house of my own plus nursery. He’d pay no more / barely anything in maintenance as it doesn’t increase for 3+ children

When I was working full time and we didn’t have nursery costs, we were about £1000 a month better off so I get why he feels frustrated. And I do too!

You are being used.
You are paying for his children.
He's using scum that took the piss during your maternity leave.
Surely that tells you everything.

Why are you with someone who financially abused you during maternity leave?

Wake up.
You are wasting money funding him.
Give some serious thought to how better off you would be if you weren't funding this user loser.

You are not married thankfully.
Time to get real and put yourself and your child first.
Wake up OP.

I doubt if you split he will want to see your child much.

I think you need to explore this a bit more when talking about 'fairness', how did this come about?

This is what has started you off on the trajectory of feeling pissed off, and it shouldn't go ignored IMO. If you had to blast through your savings THEN go into debt to have your joint child then he can get to fuck basically, he can't have it both ways.

But all OPs “spare money” goes on the family and his “spare money” goes on himself. So in actual fact, OP has no spare money for herself despite earning more and only having one child, not 4!

How it came about is that when we met, he and later we lived in accommodation provided by his employer. So I paid all the bills as the accommodation was provided by him - it worked out cheaper for both of us.

Then when we moved, I was earning a lot more than him so I just kept paying because I could afford to. Maternity leave was when it started feeling unbalanced and unfair. Then nursery costs and my reduced hours have made life much tougher for the household.

My priorities have shifted too and my limited spare money goes on DC and trying to build up my savings again, whereas it used to go on SC and days out, so now he’s having to pick up their extra costs too.

Sorry OP, that he allowed you to pay all the bills in his free housing was the clue that you ignored.
The maternity leave was more of the same.
You are a mug sadly, and he is pushing back as you are finally waking up to how foolish you have been.
You have been used.
You are paying for your shared child and his children.

You can continue on and waste your money on him or wake up and sell the house, buy somewhere for yourself and be sensible.

Or spend the next 20 years funding his children and housing to come out with only 50% of a property at the end of it.

Absolute madness.
You have wasted enough money as it is.

He’s happy to be a financial drain on you, unfortunately.

His older children are not a joint expense. Lower earner or not, his financial responsibility for them is not something he can expect you to share.

Yes - he would have to house his 3 children from his previous relationship whether he was with you or not and any other split means you're subsidising his 3 children.

He should pay a bit more but also must pay for his own kids that aren't yours. Well him plus his ex.

It sounds like you started off on the wrong foot to be fair, I understand why you thought it was fair as he was 'paying' for the accommodation, so you paid all the bills, but in reality he wasn't paying anything, or paying anything extra to have you live there, so the bills should have been split 50/50 from the get go.

So in that chapter of your lives you were paying 100% of all bills.

So when you moved you still continued to pay all bills? What about mortgage, was that 50/50 at that point?

What was the arrangement when you went on maternity?

I can't imagine paying entirely for my own maternity leave. It's his child too, yet only you have born the financial brunt.

I think 5050 is fair. You earn more but he has more kids.

really I think he should be paying a higher percentage than you !

YANBU to want 50:50.

Neither of us ever have much left over. His goes on maintenance, fuel and cigarettes. Mine goes on family days out, stuff for the house, extra food

This jumped out from your posts. Your spare money goes towards things for all the family but he puts cigarettes before this?

You are subsidising his maintenance and living costs and the money you're spending on extra food and days out for his children is on top of this. Sounds like he's choosing not to see this.

Hold your boundaries Next time he moans about money tell him he can get an immediate saving by quitting cigarettes.

Your spare money goes on the house and kids. His on his self

it’s easily done. I was the same as you - paying for everything - I could afford to etc and then had dd. And I still paid for everything for her

only diff he didn’t have 3 young kids to pay for - which you are

if that was me I would be pissed off so get why you are @Tashaa

if he isn’t willing to talk about it an contribute fairly then there really isn’t much other option

So your spare money was previously going on your step kids 🤦🏽‍♀️ he also had free accommodation and was happy for you to pay the bills basically meaning he was living for free.

This is how me and DH do it, for context i earn about 3 times what he does but i would never have my husand worse off than me.

And for clarity ill use basic figues.

One joint account for bills and we each have our own accounts

My wage and his wage = £5000

ALL bills are = £3000

That leaves = £2000

Which is split and given to each of us at £1000

Anything bought for the kids is split 50/50

So each spouse is no worse or better off, we are just the same.

Exactly.
How many red flags about being used financially do some poor women need.

He's used her from day one.
His money goes on fags as a priority.

what do the figures look like if all expenses for your joint DC, extra food and family days out come out of joint not your spare funds? I bet he would need to pay more and you are likely to have a bit more left for yourself.

Does your DH have non-shared kids though?

It’s interesting that it’s a 60/40 split in opinions because I think I am completely in the right, and clearly he does too.