How would you split the bills?

[Tashaa]

Household is me, DP, his three children aged 8-13 who are here weekends and holidays, and our shared DS aged 2, who is in nursery 4 days a week.

I work 4 days a week, he works 5. I earn 50k, he earns 40k. I generally buy anything DS needs. Our bills are about 4.2k a month. Mortgaged house in need of repairs.

AIBU: split bills according to percentage of household income earned
AINBU: split bills 50/50

Sounds like he needs a bette paid job if you earn more then him for 4days

he’s happy to waste money on cigs. A big cost

paying the same amount in account will leave him with less money to fritter on cigs

then on days out he pays the extra children’s costs from ow account

your joint account Is for the 3 of you - not to pay for his kids

The reduction in my hours is another sore point for him. His kids are with us most weekends and all holidays and are incredibly intense, so I dropped a day because I found I barely saw DS. It’s saving us £350 a month and I’m not planning to go full time till he’s in school

Presumably you knew these children existed when you married him?
they are your stepchildren-they come as a package with their dad.

what a way to live.

Option 3 he should pay more. He should be paying towards the DC, including nursery costs for your joint DC

I am in a similar position and an the much higher earner.

You shouldn't have to remind a grown adult to pay their way. Direct debits are easy to set up. That would be a deal breaker for me.

It’s getting to be one for me too

Agree

That is when they have equal family responsibilities and equalise childcare. ThIs is not that situation

You’re a family unit. Once you’ve purchased a house together and have a child together you’re a team and all money is family money.

We are both paid into the same account, all bills, food shopping, car expenses etc come out of there and then we are both sent the same amount to our personal accounts as pocket money to spend on things we want. Mine is meals out with friends and beauty products my husbands is new equipment for his hobbies.

So he didn't support you whilst you were on maternity leave but he expects you to help support him and his DC now? No I wouldn't do that.

If he wants more spending money he has to sort it out or you get a smaller home with or without him.

The fact that he is not actually looking to work out what is fair, but wants you to believe that he should contribute less than you, whilst throwing an extra three children into the mix, would make me think he is both knowingly taking advantage and royally taking the piss.

Why is it a sore point you working 4 days? Because you are earning less (so he has to pay proportionally more)? Is he jealous and wants to do the same?
Also, if you are not seeing enough of your son, you could always do something different on one of the days at the weekend and let your DP have some quality time with his other 3 that he does not see during the week (not saying you should go back to work 5 days, I mean on top).

He should be ashamed, he didn't even cover the household costs whilst you were on maternity leave for HIS baby? Now he's griping about having to pay 50% of the costs, when he already doesn't even pay half of the added extras YOU pay for, for your JOINT child? Bet he doesn't complain when he's buying HIMSELF expensive packets of cigarettes.

He sounds annoying, and yes, he's a user. He should get a better paid job instead of treating you this way.

Better still, go your separate ways, at least you're not married, as you earn more, that works in your favour.

Are you together or not?

Just whack the whole lot into one account - pay the bills out of that, siphon off money for savings /holidays etc and then if you must give yourselves some 'spends' money. Never understood thoses who are doing bizarre splitting You KNEW he had three kids when you met him, you chose to have another one with him, therefore you took on a husband and 3 kids. That's on you.

Surely this kind of 'I've bought this' you can now pay for that just causes resentment long term?

50/50 is fair, but if you can't afford a 4 bed house and a big car you can't afford one. I shared with a sibling as a child as we couldn't afford a bigger house.

So you started out subsidising him - silly.

He's got accustomed to you doing so - pisstaker.

He didn't show up financially when you were on maternity leave - unsurprisingly.

He doesn't believe his new baby should be his financial responsibility, because he's used to you subsidising his lifestyle.

You're now in debt.

He resents you for expecting him to adequately contribute. Though you've taken on a massive mortgage - again, to facilitate his lifestyle.

You're now resenting his resentment.

You're anow worried that if you reset the clock, his children suffer.

You're also now worrying about working this out for the benefit of your child - a 4th child he couldn't actually afford.

He's going to continue begrudgingly support the household as he should, but didn't think he'd need to, as you were happy to bankroll him before. And he'll make sure you're miserable, while he does.

Where does this relationship go, because he's never going to be happy about this new arrangement, and you should not be the one wholly responsible for the expenses of your shared child?

At this point maybe you should consider mediation since you can’t reach an amicable agreement and your relationship is on the line.

Regardless of the eventual spilt and contributions I would absolutely insist on a separate bills account that you both pay into by DD on a set day of the month. Having an argument about this every month would be completely soul crushing for me.

I may be mistaken, but it looks like he was happy to pay 50% when you were on maternity leave (so reduced income) but, now you're earning more, he wants to pay less?

Can you calculate how much he would owe you if your mat leave contributions were proportional to your income? Then say, once he has refunded you that amount, you'll talk about it.

If there was just the 3 of you then (assuming he isn’t say doing a hobby job or otherwise unnecessarily throttling his earning potential) the usual Mumsnet position is often that you should have the same spare money which would mean you paying more.

But this isn’t that. So I think 50-50 is a great deal for him given the costs of having his three kids. And yes I would find the monthly whining about paying towards his kids very off putting.

Who owns the house OP - is it jointly owned? Worth having ducks in a row and being clear on all the finances etc should the ick being this relationship to a close.

Surely the question is, how much MORE than 50% he should be paying to reflect the fact he has three additional children?

If you didn’t have the 3 of DH’s children in the equation, then maybe you could split by salary, but then his children take his share up to and beyond 50% by a certain amount. The question is, how much?

I think if he paid 55/60 % of the total (to balance out his three children with your slightly higher salary - and it’s only slightly higher when you take taxation into account) that would be fair.

If the sexes were reversed, and a man was expecting his wife to pay 50:50 despite earning less because she had children from a previous relationship, then everyone would be calling him (rightly) financially abusive.

It's never OK for one partner in a relationship to have more financial freedom/funds than the other.

ALL the earnings from both of them need to go in the pot, and then ALL of the expenses (including maintenance payments and including any spends needed for the shared child) need to come out. Then if there's anything left, that needs to be split equally between them (and savings, ideally).

It's hard to tell which of them currently has the most disposable money, as not all expenses are coming out of the shared pot.

It’s sore because I’m earning less. If he wanted to reduce his hours to spend time with DS I’d be pleased.

On maternity leave and before I was paying more like 75%. I’ve run out of savings now.

House is jointly owned with a ring fenced deposit (mine).

He’s completely taking the piss out of you Op - sorry you find yourself in this position. This would me a massive deal breaker for me.

My DH earns more than me. We share bills 50:50. I have four DC to his two - his are financially independent, mine not yet.

I have never found this situation exploitative, in fact I think it's generous that he pays 50% of bills because he's contributing to housing and feeding my DC.

I don't think the situation is as black and white as you think it is

But that isn't the case here. As the higher earner, OP has been running her own savings down AND getting into a lot of debt, all due to the lack of financial contribution of her 'partner', despite the fact that they earn very similar amounts.

This isn't a case of one on NMW and the other a higher earner.

Bottom line - he's a user. And now that he's finally bled you dry, he has the audacity to argue every month about having to contribute to the house he lives in.

He should be ashamed.

@Tashaa it's not difficult to work out why his last relationship didn't work out. You are clearly frustrated with his piss taking and lack of financial responsibility. I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for ending this relationship, sounds like you'd certainly be better off.