How would you split the bills?

[Tashaa]

Household is me, DP, his three children aged 8-13 who are here weekends and holidays, and our shared DS aged 2, who is in nursery 4 days a week.

I work 4 days a week, he works 5. I earn 50k, he earns 40k. I generally buy anything DS needs. Our bills are about 4.2k a month. Mortgaged house in need of repairs.

AIBU: split bills according to percentage of household income earned
AINBU: split bills 50/50

50:50 is definitely fairer than based on income. You say his children are there every weekend and holidays (I assume he won’t have them every day every holiday?) but that works out to be around 160 days a year or about 45% so a lot of the time. Three children that age will be using far more electric, water, etc and definitely more food compared to a two year old (who is joint responsibility anyway). Also “fun” money is more such as trips out etc. And needing a bigger house and car. So based on salaries seems really unfair.

I can see why he might be complaining though. How much is he paying to his ex? Is it proportion to the time spend at each house?

He should pay 60 and you pay 40. Even then he’s getting an amazingly good deal

I mean, you’re meant to be a partnership so ‘his vs mine’ isn’t the way to go really.

I can’t believe you’ve run through your savings to subsidise him. The things men can convince women is “fair” these days.

I'd be looking to separate.

He's forced you to spend your savings and still wants more... he's trying to trap you into staying and subsidising his children and lifestyle at his expense

He needs you a lot more than you need him. I wonder if in 10 years, when his kids are all grown up and he doesn’t need you to sub him and then, he’ll still feel the same…

But it sounds like you fell into the trap of paying half the costs of his kids even before you had your joint child? I often think the ex’s in these scenarios must be laughing at the new woman.

They're both big earners. They earn 40k and 50k.

You’re a team. Should be the same as equal. Why bother otherwise?

Because basically the higher earner is just giving their money away.
Both people should contribute to the household bills either 50:50 or 70:30 (or whatever is agreed) and then they keep what's left. If that means one person has lots and the other not so much then that's how it is.

I am so glad you have ringfenced your deposit. Can you afford the house expenses on your own?

I would never bung money all in one pot.We each pay a fair amount and have access to the same amount of spends/extra money. I have never chased my OH for their contribution. We spilt which bills we are responsible for. Maintenance and additional expenses for their DC is their responsibility.

You have a hobosexual on your hands. You have paid 75% of expenses on maternity and they are now complaining they need to contribute a fairer amount. It still isn't fair in relation to their expenses.

Ordinarily I would have agreed with splitting costs according to household income.

However, given you only have one shared DC (that you seem to pay all costs for), and he has an additional 3 DC, 50/50 seems appropriate (and even then you are probably still subsidising him, given you only have a small salary difference anyway).

I’d pay 50:50 on the mortgage since you’re not married and you’d get that back when you spilt.
Whoever said energy and water aren’t more because of extra kids I’d say that’s rubbish, I’d get him to pay more for that, also more for groceries.
Family days out are mostly his to pay and joint DS costs are 50:50.
He’s kicked up a fuss so recalculate things more fairly and show him how much he’s already being subsidised. If he fusses more you can bill him for childcare on your day off with DS and show him how much maintenance he can pay when you leave him.

don’t marry him ever. Don’t have any more kids with him .

If you have them all holidays do you mean the 12/13w or so

who takes time off work /looks after them in school holidays

weekends. Does he take them out /do activities just him and kids or you all do

as in does he look after them alone

Right 😲.

I want to know how a man with three children and child maintenance convinces a woman to fund the purchase of a home for said children, pay 3/4 of the bills, have a child with him that he can neither afford nor intends to finance; then make a fuss of paying a fair share, after she's blown through her savings to facilitate his lifestyle.

The mind boggles.

If you go for a straight 50/50 then the little bit more he's paying compensates for the extra costs of his children being with you some of the time.

Expenses for his children need to be paid by him.

The rest (including joint child) should be split 50/50

I think he’s a bit of a shit dad tbh. It says a lot about how he really views his kids and women. I think you definitely needed to have this discussion when you became a family.
Now I would say the cost of his kids should be taken from his income and then what’s left is used for your household budget. I think the need for a bigger house needs to be ignored in all honesty. You did know he had kids so I feel this was quite obvious and also you will benefit from it in the long run

Well no because they’ll have 1-2 extra bedrooms for his kids I assum

I agree. Sadly as women we are so conditioned to think a man wanting to commit to us with a house purchase and baby is a prize to be won and to be grateful for

Big earners? You’re kidding!

It’s not fair for him to not cover the extra costs needed because of his children or expect you to pay for them. Half of the expenses are already you contributing towards them you should definitely not be paying more than him towards costs.

I know right? They are basic tax rate earners, not high earners at all. The bar is low for some!

So you are actually paying more than him - your 'spare' money pays for family things (family days out, things for the house, and extra food). His goes on maintenance (nothing to do with you, your son, or your house), cigarettes (totally his) and fuel (this is kind of a family expense, but a 7 seater car will use much more fuel than a smaller one).
So he is getting a good deal, without even considering the 4 bedroom house that is needed for his children...

But you should say that, even if you won’t follow through it makes it clear to dh he’s taking the total piss. ‘We can do that split if we downsize to a place just big enough for us and our shared child and proportional would be appropriate then. This is giving me the total ick, you’re a parent and you need to stop whining to me every month about having to contribute to feeding your children or ill think about downsizing to some place just big enough for ds and I and I won’t be paying maintenance for 4 kids either.

But one person in this blended family unit has 3 additional children plus 1 shared and the other person (OP) has the1 shared. It's not fair to expect OP to pay for his children's expenses.