How would you split the bills?

[Tashaa]

Household is me, DP, his three children aged 8-13 who are here weekends and holidays, and our shared DS aged 2, who is in nursery 4 days a week.

I work 4 days a week, he works 5. I earn 50k, he earns 40k. I generally buy anything DS needs. Our bills are about 4.2k a month. Mortgaged house in need of repairs.

AIBU: split bills according to percentage of household income earned
AINBU: split bills 50/50

I think it's fair I have less spending money than my DH as I chose to have more DC than he did. Combining our incomes did leave both of us with more money at the end of the month.

Only the lower earner would say that.

Interesting way to look at it. Did he scam you and pretend he was childless? If not you were an equal partner on forming a family, shame you don't see it.

I would work it on percentages for normal day to day for the three of you. Then he pays extra for the weekends and holidays for his three kids

Yeah, that's pretty shit. That's the real issue here.

You should just pay 50:50 as you both earn pretty similar.

I think he is using you, OP. I'm really sorry but he seems to think you should be paying more than him to house and feed his own children.

What would life without him look like?

What’s changed is we had DS, I got massively in debt over maternity leave because he was paying me c.1k a month and I realised he was massively taking the piss

You shouldn’t be subbing him for his older kids. I’d say pay 50/50.

If you’re not married you should be paying 50:50 on all costs including your shared child. And any extra costs due to his fecundity are his alone. He’s a CF in my opinion.

Fine, I would have to go back to full time work but could easily afford life for me and DS. DP would financially struggle.

I’d rather that doesn’t come to that as I want to live with my child full time. But I’m absolutely sick of these arguments

Me too, he doesn't get to pay for some of his children only.

If you've told him you're sick of arguing about it, and he isn't listening, could you just refuse to talk about it? Walk out of the room if possible when he raises it, or just say nothing?

It sounds like he's grinding you down which is pretty unpleasant. Refuse to play along if you can.

I’d rather that doesn’t come to that as I want to live with my child full time.

Surely you’d rather it didn’t come to that because you love him and want to be with him? Your answer sounds like you’re only there for your child

Then you need to tell him that you’re already subsidising him and are not prepared to do it further.

Reading feminist literature which touches on the male exploitation of unpaid female labour has made me realise that males consider ALL the productive value of a woman’s labour should accrue to him, not just the unpaid part.

Depends if you consider yourself a family or not...

My DH had well paying job so I gave up career to bring up our children. I didn't contribute financially during that period, however I massively contributed to our home life and enable him the chance to focus on his career.

Normally yes but right now I’m furious with him

Joint account. Each keep (equal) personal spending money in personal account, rest goes into joint account and all expenses paid from there. You’re a family now.

All the bills come from my account so I have to ask him to pay it every month

I'm not sure what he hopes to achieve, is he going to pick up the extra food bills, pay for family days out etc. or are you going to magically carry on paying for these as well as contributing more, while he gets a few quid in his pocket to spend on what he likes. It sounds like your already subbing his cm payments, by picking up these extra costs.

This always riles me. I take it that the pregnancy was accidental and you didn't actually agree to getting into debt while carrying his baby? He's a piss taker. The teens are about to get even more expensive and you need to stop subsiding him. He pays 50/50 and he's getting a good deal at that. Everything that isn't for your personal use should be equal. Unless you want something like weekly fresh flowers, or like seasonal ornaments and he isn't bothered. He shuts up or ships out.

You pay into your joint account for all household expenses, including your ds (not your responsibility alone!) according to your incomes. You pay slightly more than him because you earn slightly more.

On the weekends and holidays when his dc come to stay, he does the food shop and pays out of his personal account for that. Any extra food you and your ds eat on those days offsets their use of wifi, electric, water, etc. He pays for days out for them or any activities. You pay for yourself and your ds from the joint account.

Costs related to the house are paid by you or from your joint account depending on who owns the house.

No but you could spell it out.

He had those kids when you met though surely? So you knew they were part of the deal?

The deal was never that I should be more financially responsible for them than he is