AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

But how did you suggest the hotel? Did you suggest the hotel’s restaurant or bar?

My point was you said you wanted a catch up with your old friend. She’s told you she’s struggling to leave the hotel room with the toddler so a nice suggestion would be to take all the pressure off her and offer to bring the catch up to her.

I’m not suggesting bringing wine and coffee because she doesn’t know how to order her own food but as a treat for both of you.
^^
”Don’t worry [friend] about not being able to meet up out of the hotel. How about I bring drinks and nibbles to you. Everyone can stay in their PJs if necessary, no pressure and we can just have a nice catch up.
^^
What can I bring that the kids might like to eat?”

When a mother is telling you she’s too overwhelmed to make it out of the hotel room, she’s too overwhelmed to make a decision among options with a number of unknown variables.

My niece is six in a few weeks and there is no way on God’s earth she would go out with a stranger. Absolutely no way whatsoever.

Children are all different.

This is irrelevant though. I’m not here to babysit my friends’ children. I have got a life and plans of my own. I can’t shelve everything to do spontaneous babysitting every time a friend is having a bad day.

IMHO, you shouldn’t be upset with your friend or end the relationship with her without a good chat.

I can understand it seems odd not to see you, even for a coffee, when she’s in the same city. But being the lone adult in an hotel room with a 6 year old, toddler and 6 month old baby would be a real challenge for the most capable of parents. Especially if the kids are fractious (quite likely after travelling and being in an unfamiliar environment) and disturbing everyone’s sleep. Yes, she could’ve invited you into the chaos, but was maybe too ashamed or worried the kids would play up even more (e.g. get giddy) with a visitor there.

Do you know why her husband didn’t accompany her?

It sounds like your friend might be a little overambitious about what she can juggle with children. For example, suggesting she may be able to go away with you, leaving the children at home. Some parents do this. But lots wouldn’t want to leave a baby or v young children for a holiday or, if they did, would prioritise a holiday with their partner (if relatives can have the kids).

Lots of parents wouldn’t want to ask their DP to care for their young baby/toddler alone, simply so they could on a childfree holiday with a friend. If a father did this when he knew the mother would struggle alone, it’d be rather unfair. That’s why time with friends who don’t live nearby can suffer when you have young children, unless you stay with each other or go away together, which means the friend will see the chaos and mayhem. So has be v easygoing.

Do you know why she was meeting her sister in the city? Maybe it’s because one of them is having a difficult time, or there’s a family problem to sort out, and they’ve had to prioritise talking about that? You say you’ve wondered if she may be having problems in her relationship. Perhaps she’s left to get away from her DH and hoped to see both her sister and you for support. But talking to her sister about it has drained her so much, she’s exhausted by the time she’s seen to the kids. Or maybe the sister needs her support.

While she has three very young children, I suggest you’ll have to visit her to keep an in-person relationship going or book a holiday home somewhere together with the kids (much easier than an hotel room). But, if her DP is unsupportive or abusive in some way, and expects her to care the the kids all the time or doesn’t like her seeing a friend alone, maybe even seeing you in her hometown is difficult.

I’d ask when’s a good time to call her and ring for a chat. Say, you were so sad to miss her when she was so close. That you’d have liked to help look after the kids with her given she was alone. Ask if she’s OK? She’s only 6 months postpartum.

How is that relevant? I didn’t suggest any times.

I would be hurt too but I wouldn't be ending the friendship over it. Was she traveling with her partner or by herself? If she was alone sounds like she was just overwhelmed, and I'd cut her some slack this time, but be wary if this ends up being a pattern.

When my second child was a similar age I lost touch with a lot of friends. Toddler was a horrendous sleeper and exceptionally clingy, baby wasn't much better. I would cut short nights out because my (now ex) oh couldn't cope with the kids but was also very controlling. I would gloss over it as missing him etc. DV got worse. People cut me off, no one checked i was ok. It was horrible and took me another couple of years to leave. Both kids turn out to be ND.

So if it was me I'd send a message checking she's ok. It doesn't sound loke things are normal in her marriage for a start.

I'll sign off with this last post as not wanting to offend or upset. I think we just have different opinions on the situation and that's ok.

I have no children myself but one of my close friends was a teen mum when we were 17 and needed support. I'd go round and play with him, do bathtime etc just to give her a break.
Other friends had children in thier 20s/30s and neither needed or wanted that level of involvement. But I'd like to think they know I'd be happy to help if required.

Try not to take it all personal as I think your friend is struggling. But it is ok for you to say that the current state of the friendship doesn't suit you. You are entitled to withdraw and put your time and energy into friends who can reciprocate. I genuinely wish you well.

Couldn’t leave the toddler with her sister.

I said in the opening post I was looking forward to seeing the kids. Doesn’t mean I want to take responsibility for looking after them whilst not seeing my friend.

I’m curious what the messaging between the pair of
you since all this?

I get why you are disappointed and yes it seems a bit one way. However I don’t suppose it was great for your friend either. If you don’t see the children regularly maybe stop with the gifts if it makes you resentful and just send cards maybe?

What do you want from this thread, OP? To be told it’s ok to let the friendship fizzle out? It sounds like it already has. To be told to stop sending gifts? That’s fine - does she even want you to send her kids gifts?

You seem like you’re kind of irrelevant to her nowadays so I’m not sure why all the handwringing. You are hardly the best friend ever to her either (after not even really seeing each other for two years). It just doesn’t seem like that big a deal (or even like she’d notice or care) if the friendship drifts. From her perspective it probably already has.

Just out of interest, what was her main reason for visiting your city? Was it to see you? To have a holiday? Or a bit of both? And did she say where her husband was?

This is the third time someone has suggested I took food and drinks to… a hotel. She was not struggling to get food and drink.

I said I could come to the hotel. She is not lacking in capacity. She could’ve made that the bar or her room. She’s not a stupid or shy woman who is incapable of stating her own preferences and she would think I’d taken leave of my senses if I told her she could stay on her pyjamas. She doesn’t need my permission.

I don’t know why her DH wasn't there but I do think it’s strange.

She was meeting her sister in this city because they both wanted to visit and also I live there.

I’m not using annual leave to visit her when it has never been reciprocated, and there is absolutely no way on the world I am using it to holiday with other people’s kids 😆.

I think parents can sometimes be really entitled re requiring others to be understanding while not extending understanding themselves.

She was in your city and would have been really easy to meet you for a coffee either in the lobby or have you up to her room, at which point you could (if you liked) have suggested helping her out with the kids.

I think it would be quite mad to keep travelling to her to demonstrate I’m ‘the best friend ever’.

Both. No idea about why her husband didn’t come.

guess you are not keen on telling us what she’s said in all the messages you say she’s been sending you since then @Furning

She doesn't know the 6 yr old so why would they go off with a stranger

When you mentioned how keen she is to meet up in the future but it never happens, the first that came to mind is ‘how is her dh? Supportive or a pain the arse that will refuse to look after his own dcs for the weekend in his own?’

(Aside note: posters who say that you should have proposed to take one of two the dcs out with you are just crazy. I very much theyd have accepted such a proposal themselves anyway)

Jesus how nosy are yiu! Second time you've asked

If not the fourth or fifth. Strange behaviour!

If you travel to her, it should be because you want to see her.
Not to prove anything to anyone, not her, not you either.

So the question is:
Do you want to see her?
Is that friendship important enough to ‘make some effort’ for longer?
Does it have to be transactional?
Is it worth maybe having a chat with her about it? Surely you can find 1 hour slot to FaceTime/whatsapp that works for you both and see what’s going on?

Because it’s nice to treat your friends - it’s nice to offer to take the (probably internalized) pressure off someone who has admitted they are struggling.

It’s creative to come up with an alternative and possibly fun catch up for someone on their own with three kids.

Pajama picnic in the hotel - I bet the six year old would have had a blast - and everyone having a bit of fun might have jogged the toddler out of their meltdown enough so that while there you could have been that extra pair of hands to get this family out of the hotel room they’ve been stuck in for a week for some fresh air.

Or maybe bringing a couple of new toys to occupy the kids and you and your friend just relax and enjoy a nice bottle of wine and have a good chat.

I’m not saying take food and drink for the practical reason of feeding them. It’s to create a fun social activity in lieu of being able to go to a wine bar or cafe with your friend.

I’d have check if my friend was up for a casual, no pressure room catch up where all she had to do was relax and not worry about anything and I’d have turned up with a picnic blanket, a selection of M&S goodies, a bottle of wine, treats and toys/books for the kids.

I value the friendship but I am simply not willing to make trips which cut into my annual leave year after year with no reciprocation. Friendship is a joint effort.

It is funny how, when one person has been doing the heavy lifting for years and is finally asking for some effort from the other person, accusations of ‘transactional’ are suddenly made. It might as well be said ‘you should continue to spend time and money and effort whilst she does not because she has young children’. No.

We’ve never FaceTimed or spoken on the phone and I don’t think either of us would want to start.