AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

What on earth makes you think that?!

Would your six year old be pleased to be sent out in a foreign country with a woman who is a stranger to her?

Yes, I dislike her so much I send gifts for all of her children’s birthdays and Christmas and spent a small fortune on visiting her numerous times.

This is all getting a bit weird

Why do you think she’s giving this a lot of thought @Furning

Given she hasn’t once visited you in 7 years and only messages to says thanks for presents?

I have never said I don’t have children. At some point that has just been invented by a poster and apparently agreed upon. Whether I do or don't is entirely irrelevant.

OP was being sarcastic.

It's not odd at all. You're a stranger to the child, not the parent. If a parent trusts their friend then I don't see why they would mind you taking a 6 year old out for an hour or sitting in a hotel room with the baby.

If you have children I’ll eat my hat

Do you think she was ever there at all?

Yes I know

are you saying the follow up posts indicate this Op actually likes her friend? No, not really and has felt pissed off for years!

If she wasn't bothered why would she have told you she was coming in the first place? If I was travelling to a city where someone lived that I couldn't be arsed to see I just wouldn't tell them.

I think you've had some ridiculous accusatory and presumptuous replies on here. There's not much you can do except match her energy and let it fizzle unless she decides to tell you what's wrong. My guess is something is wrong but she didn't feel able to tell you.

The messages I have had since.

I think the relationship has changed. Most likely as she has 3 children and life has taken her in a different direction. Maybe you don’t have as much in common now (from her point of view).

It sounds like if you didn’t reach out to her, she probably wouldn’t either.

I don’t believe she spent the week cooped up in the hotel - she probably just had a good time with her sister.

Sorry OP but your DH is right.

Actually, most six year olds would.
They love a new grown up to chat to.

That definitely shows you haven't got children @Furning

And how have you responded?

And what have her messages said? Odd you’ve not mentioned this before!

And the child? They’re usually quite vocal about whether they’d want to spend a day with a stranger.

Either way though, I work full time, I have pressures on my free time, I would always move as much as I could in order to see my friend, but I’m afraid that doesn’t extend to babysitting her kids when I haven’t seen her for two years. If I offered to babysit every time one of my friends who’s a mother was frazzled I’d be doing it every week.

I think your husband is right. You’re obviously just there to provide presents for the kids and she keeps you dangling with empty promises to make sure you continue.

ditch her.

To be honest I do understand where she is coming from. When my kids were small one of my friends was forever suggesting meeting at times when my kids would’ve been hard work and it was very stressful for me, embarrassing and exhausting. She let you down but I doubt it was coming from a bad place.

I haven't read every single response to this, but I have read your comments and I think Ive got the gyst. I think your friend's children - especially the unsettled one - might very well of benefitted from leaving the hotel room. Stuck inside the same 4 walls for a whole week is enough to drive anyone crazy. I bet the kids were bored. I think it would have been great for her to visit you, have an extra pair of hands and take the pressure off. So the question is, why didn't she? Her priorities will have changed, children and husband will always come before friends. She may not be as invested in the friendship as you are. There could be any number of reasons why she couldn't/didn't make time to see you. I'd say you've every right to be hurt and a little bit pissed off that she couldn't spare an hour with you, especially as she was so close. An unsettled toddler - for an entire week -sounds like an excuse.

Personally, I would step back from this friendship. I think it will just fizzle out.

I have a 22 year old son who is still a child to me!

You replied to multiple posters who suggested perhaps offering to take one or two of the other children out instead to let your friend concentrate on the toddler that you weren’t interested in spending time with the children….. which is why I thought you had no interest in them. You also mentioned stopping buying gifts for them which again suggests your not really interested in them but I apologise if thats not the case.

And no offence but you also really haven’t come across as having much experience with young children otherwise you’d understand your friend has had a rubbish week spent stressed out and was probably too embarrassed to let you see she wasn’t coping. If your friend can’t leave the hotel room or leave the children with her sister for a couple of hours there’s more to it than just an unsettled toddler. The fact she reached out before the visit suggests she’s tried really hard to make the effort to see you but just couldn’t make it happen- please be kind to her.

Well mine wouldn’t that’s for sure! What are you talking about - have you done a survey? 🙄

What kind of messages has she been sending since them for you to think she’s giving this a lot of thought?

Yes, definitely. And I think she did want to meet.