Page 10 | AIBU or is this understandable?

Furning · 2026-02-01T14:08:25+00:00

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days. We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up. The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids. She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up. I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house? AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:31

Jeska7 · 01/02/2026 18:43

I can see how you’re upset but you clearly don’t understand how hard it is to have a 6 yo, toddler and baby. I’m amazed she got there in the first place. It could well have been traumatic getting there. It must have been traumatic staying in a hotel with three young ones. Only 6 months after birth too. Her hormones could well be all over the place. As you gave no idea how bad it can be and not very sympathetic, she probably thought it best not to subject you to that! Toddlers often like routine and can get pretty upset without it. If she didn’t sleep very well, she was probably exhausted. She was probably going out of her mind! It was obviously very stressful for her. She probably couldn’t leave the toddler with her sister. You wouldn’t have had any quality time. She wouldn’t have been able to give you anyone attention with a grumpy toddler there. She probably roiling have been able to listen properly. She would only be able to say half a sentence before having to watch out for / calm a toddler if you’d gave been present. You couldn’t have been sympathetic. She probably knew this from your attitude. She wouldn’t have wanted to subjected you to that. She could well have been embarrassed if you had gone to the hotel. She was obviously not coping at all. She knows you don’t understand.

It’s easy to be optimistic and make plans when you have children. Sometimes plans don’t work out how you want. She was probably very upset that you couldn’t meet too.

Of course, she hasn’t been able to travel she’s been pregnant or had young children over the last seven years. Very optimistic travelling alone this time with children those ages!! Does she work? She’s been on maternity leave three times? Probably now too. She could well be skint and not afford to travel.

You sound very unsympathetic which may well be understandable from a childless friend. This friendship will probably end anyway. She’s clearly struggling and you don’t seem very supportive or understanding. You’re just annoyed and resentful that you’ve made the effort to travel. I wouldn’t expect a new mum to travel to me and then even more so when she’s got her second or third child.

I can also understand her wanting to be back after your meal when you saw her. Perhaps she probably thought her husband needed rescuing! Putting three young children to bed can be a nightmare. Do they sleep well? I bet the baby is not sleeping through the night. Is she breastfeeding? She probably won’t be able to leave the baby too long.

She does not work and is not skint.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:33

EdithBond · 01/02/2026 18:44

You have an answer then.

Parents of young kids usually come with their kids. For a few years, it’s very difficult to see them alone. Their kids come first.

If you don’t want to take leave to spend with your friend along with her kids, then you won’t see her until her kids are older. Focus on friends without young kids.

Probably better for her too. When you have young kids, the most valuable friends are the people who delight in spending time with your kids, and helping you with them, as much as they do with you.

Show quote history

And yet, many of my friends with young children were on her hen do. Of course women with kids get to go away for the weekend.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 19:36

@Furning
I think you and your friend are in very different phases of life at the moment.

It's unfortunate that she couldn't meet. Absolutely her kids probably would have been better off outside of the hotel like you suggested. But I'm guessing at 6 months post-partum with a tantrum toddler and a 6yr old in tow, I'm guessing she was very stressed and whilst yes she got them across Europe it was probably very tough. She likely took on too much and got too stressed to go about the holiday as planned.

Perhaps her sister wasn't as helpful as she expected.

I don't think anyone, your friend included, would expect you to take her kids out. I certainly wouldn't let my kids off with someone they didn't know very well, no matter how much I like them. But I.do think you are not quite understanding when people say that you could have offered to bring snacks etc to the hotel.. it isn't because she's an invalid or the hotel doesn't have stuff, it's because it would be a kind thing to do. It would probably be a relief to her to hear that you 100% completely understand her predicament.

She obviously doesn't like being away from her kids much. And probably was embarrassed that the toddler was having a mare.

You on the other hand, have reared your child to adulthood and seem to like the freedom you have now. Different stages of life. Just not compatible anymore.

Maybe in a few years again you will be compatible when she's out of this era.

If you don't feel like you are getting anything from.the relationship you don't need to keep it up. Tbh it doesn't sound like you are great friends anymore anyway... just acquaintances that used to be close? And that's OK too.

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 19:38

Jeska7 · 01/02/2026 18:43

I can see how you’re upset but you clearly don’t understand how hard it is to have a 6 yo, toddler and baby. I’m amazed she got there in the first place. It could well have been traumatic getting there. It must have been traumatic staying in a hotel with three young ones. Only 6 months after birth too. Her hormones could well be all over the place. As you gave no idea how bad it can be and not very sympathetic, she probably thought it best not to subject you to that! Toddlers often like routine and can get pretty upset without it. If she didn’t sleep very well, she was probably exhausted. She was probably going out of her mind! It was obviously very stressful for her. She probably couldn’t leave the toddler with her sister. You wouldn’t have had any quality time. She wouldn’t have been able to give you anyone attention with a grumpy toddler there. She probably roiling have been able to listen properly. She would only be able to say half a sentence before having to watch out for / calm a toddler if you’d gave been present. You couldn’t have been sympathetic. She probably knew this from your attitude. She wouldn’t have wanted to subjected you to that. She could well have been embarrassed if you had gone to the hotel. She was obviously not coping at all. She knows you don’t understand.

It’s easy to be optimistic and make plans when you have children. Sometimes plans don’t work out how you want. She was probably very upset that you couldn’t meet too.

Of course, she hasn’t been able to travel she’s been pregnant or had young children over the last seven years. Very optimistic travelling alone this time with children those ages!! Does she work? She’s been on maternity leave three times? Probably now too. She could well be skint and not afford to travel.

You sound very unsympathetic which may well be understandable from a childless friend. This friendship will probably end anyway. She’s clearly struggling and you don’t seem very supportive or understanding. You’re just annoyed and resentful that you’ve made the effort to travel. I wouldn’t expect a new mum to travel to me and then even more so when she’s got her second or third child.

I can also understand her wanting to be back after your meal when you saw her. Perhaps she probably thought her husband needed rescuing! Putting three young children to bed can be a nightmare. Do they sleep well? I bet the baby is not sleeping through the night. Is she breastfeeding? She probably won’t be able to leave the baby too long.

What was stopping the friend saying come to my room in the evening once the children are asleep?

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 19:40

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 19:36

@Furning
I think you and your friend are in very different phases of life at the moment.

It's unfortunate that she couldn't meet. Absolutely her kids probably would have been better off outside of the hotel like you suggested. But I'm guessing at 6 months post-partum with a tantrum toddler and a 6yr old in tow, I'm guessing she was very stressed and whilst yes she got them across Europe it was probably very tough. She likely took on too much and got too stressed to go about the holiday as planned.

Perhaps her sister wasn't as helpful as she expected.

I don't think anyone, your friend included, would expect you to take her kids out. I certainly wouldn't let my kids off with someone they didn't know very well, no matter how much I like them. But I.do think you are not quite understanding when people say that you could have offered to bring snacks etc to the hotel.. it isn't because she's an invalid or the hotel doesn't have stuff, it's because it would be a kind thing to do. It would probably be a relief to her to hear that you 100% completely understand her predicament.

She obviously doesn't like being away from her kids much. And probably was embarrassed that the toddler was having a mare.

You on the other hand, have reared your child to adulthood and seem to like the freedom you have now. Different stages of life. Just not compatible anymore.

Maybe in a few years again you will be compatible when she's out of this era.

If you don't feel like you are getting anything from.the relationship you don't need to keep it up. Tbh it doesn't sound like you are great friends anymore anyway... just acquaintances that used to be close? And that's OK too.

But from what we've been told the friend turned down any option of the OP going to the hotel.

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 19:40

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 19:38

What was stopping the friend saying come to my room in the evening once the children are asleep?

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😂 Some kids don't sleep well. My toddler is a nightmare. Like I couldn't trust he'd sleep more than 45 minutes and even then it'd be in silence.

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:40

canklesmctacotits · 01/02/2026 18:45

I don’t think this is anything more or less than your lifestyles, priorities, locations, pressures making friendship incompatible.

if you want to stop making an effort and allow the friendship to fizzle out, that wouldn’t be unreasonable.

She wasn’t being unreasonable not seeing you, either. You have one adult son. I cannot fathom being stuck in a hotel room with three children, -8°C outside (snow on the ground making a stroller pointless?), a baby and a toddler waking in the night, away from home, no kitchen, one bathroom, cramped room with clothes and toys everywhere, no adult around other than a visiting sister…I too would have bailed on you even if you were right next door. She’s obviously come to see her sister because she needs to (not wants, needs - nobody does this sort of trip at this time of year with a 6mo for a laugh) and my supposition would be that there are problems at home. Couple that with a toddler who won’t settle and a baby waking at night - you’d be on my list but at the very bottom because you would be a nice extra after keeping body and soul together for four people.

So, if you’re not ok with being at the bottom of the list, just let it fizzle out. Not unreasonable but also hardly the stuff of friendship. My friends have stuck by me through thick and thin. They never used annual leave to babysit (!), but they gave me space and time, jumped to no conclusions, asked after my wellbeing, messaged periodically and picked up where we left off after 8-10 years. I think you’re being selfish, but selfish in the way that people can reasonably be selfish. You’re just different people now. She’s no longer giving you what you seem to need from her.

So she’s struggling because there’s no other adult around except for her sister but also she’s right not to see, er, another adult around?

She wasn’t visiting her sister, her sister doesn’t live here. They were on holiday.

Posters seem determined to make her a cowed, skint, struggling mother who has no help, has no choice but to fly across Europe with three kids for some bizarre reason, and who can get her kids across the continent but can’t them into a lift or order coffee and juice. This is not her. She is a very competent, capable, intelligent and forthright woman who has more money than I could dream of. Hence having the ability to fly to a very expensive European city at short notice with three kids and stay in an extremely nice hotel.

She’s straight out of a Catherine Cookson novel the way some posters are carrying on.

OP posts:

Thechaseison71 · 01/02/2026 19:41

DeQuin · 01/02/2026 15:54

Maybe you missed the part where I said "I would read it as 100% she is having a beyond shit time of epic proportions."

In other words, I can absolutely imagine not being able to manage an hour away from a child over a week if they were being really really difficult (who knows how the relationship with the sister was playing out, too). And you just don't know what else was going on.

Can you really not imagine that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what a terrible time she was having?

I mean, yes, it is also possible she just CBA and blew you off, but it's way more likely (IMO) that it was not about you at all.

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But she didn't have to be away from the child. The OP was willing to meet her in the hotel

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:42

Jeska7 · 01/02/2026 18:45

I guess it depends when they agreed to meet. Maybe they agreed to meet the day before she was due to leave as OP was working etc?

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I said in the OP that she asked if I was free and I said I was very free. I could have made any time she suggested, I would have made it work.

OP posts:

Keroppi · 01/02/2026 19:43

Well you don't seem to be replying to anyone agreeing with you really or offering a balanced take. What do you think you're going to do going forward? Are you going to send her a message about it? Or just Peter off slowly. Or are you more of a keep up the status quo even though you are now resentful type?
I wouldn't be buying for kids I never see. It'd extremely hurtful she couldn't even have you over for ten mins in the hotel room. I'll get back to you is a flaky response

I don't even know if I believe she didn't leave the hotel at all 🤔
Definitely no more trips there. Imo

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 01/02/2026 19:44

Jeska7 · 01/02/2026 18:43

I can see how you’re upset but you clearly don’t understand how hard it is to have a 6 yo, toddler and baby. I’m amazed she got there in the first place. It could well have been traumatic getting there. It must have been traumatic staying in a hotel with three young ones. Only 6 months after birth too. Her hormones could well be all over the place. As you gave no idea how bad it can be and not very sympathetic, she probably thought it best not to subject you to that! Toddlers often like routine and can get pretty upset without it. If she didn’t sleep very well, she was probably exhausted. She was probably going out of her mind! It was obviously very stressful for her. She probably couldn’t leave the toddler with her sister. You wouldn’t have had any quality time. She wouldn’t have been able to give you anyone attention with a grumpy toddler there. She probably roiling have been able to listen properly. She would only be able to say half a sentence before having to watch out for / calm a toddler if you’d gave been present. You couldn’t have been sympathetic. She probably knew this from your attitude. She wouldn’t have wanted to subjected you to that. She could well have been embarrassed if you had gone to the hotel. She was obviously not coping at all. She knows you don’t understand.

It’s easy to be optimistic and make plans when you have children. Sometimes plans don’t work out how you want. She was probably very upset that you couldn’t meet too.

Of course, she hasn’t been able to travel she’s been pregnant or had young children over the last seven years. Very optimistic travelling alone this time with children those ages!! Does she work? She’s been on maternity leave three times? Probably now too. She could well be skint and not afford to travel.

You sound very unsympathetic which may well be understandable from a childless friend. This friendship will probably end anyway. She’s clearly struggling and you don’t seem very supportive or understanding. You’re just annoyed and resentful that you’ve made the effort to travel. I wouldn’t expect a new mum to travel to me and then even more so when she’s got her second or third child.

I can also understand her wanting to be back after your meal when you saw her. Perhaps she probably thought her husband needed rescuing! Putting three young children to bed can be a nightmare. Do they sleep well? I bet the baby is not sleeping through the night. Is she breastfeeding? She probably won’t be able to leave the baby too long.

100% agree

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:45

TooManyThoughtsForThis · 01/02/2026 19:00

I had questions but this is your answer Why would I take the six year old out? It’s her mother I’m interested in talking to

I'd put money on you being irked by her children and the mum is aware of it, so doesn't want you around them

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You would lose your money.

OP posts:

Thechaseison71 · 01/02/2026 19:45

EdithBond · 01/02/2026 18:44

You have an answer then.

Parents of young kids usually come with their kids. For a few years, it’s very difficult to see them alone. Their kids come first.

If you don’t want to take leave to spend with your friend along with her kids, then you won’t see her until her kids are older. Focus on friends without young kids.

Probably better for her too. When you have young kids, the most valuable friends are the people who delight in spending time with your kids, and helping you with them, as much as they do with you.

Show quote history

Id disagree with your last comment. The most valuable friends I had were the ones that had nothing to do with my kids. My friends cared about me not spending time I was with them fannying around with my kids

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:47

wordler · 01/02/2026 19:02

So again you missed my first point.

I asked how you suggested meeting her at the hotel - did you specify that casual no pressure in the room was an option.

Because she may well have assumed that you’d be expecting her to get all three kids dressed, and meet in the cafe or restaurant of the hotel.

She might have been embarrassed to suggest hanging out just in the room.

Plus if you suggested it alongside a load of other options she might well have been too overwhelmed to make a decision.

I have friends who have seen me in my PJs who I would feel totally relaxed with hanging out in my hotel room, with the messy room detritus that comes with kids, possibly one naked kid having a meltdown.

Those friends even if we haven’t seen each other for years would tell me all that mattered was seeing each other and would turn up with chocolate and wine, and yes treats for the kids, give me a big hug, pitch in with the chaos and it would be fun.

Other friends I would feel embarrassed in the same situation unless they made it clear they were relaxed and fine with it.

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Again, she is an adult woman. She can invite me to the room. She is not overwhelmed about making a decision on where she can see an old friend ffs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:51

stichguru · 01/02/2026 19:03

"Why would I take the six year old out? It’s her mother I’m interested in talking to."
"So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one "

It's pretty easy to see that you have no real interest or tolerance for the children. That's ok, but means that unless your friend's sister was happy to look after the kids without your friend, or you could go with the friend and her children somewhere where the children would play pretty independently while you and their mother talked, there was no point in trying to meet up unless there was a third adult to care for the kids. Your anti kid stance is fine, but it's natural and fine that single parents with multiple kids don't want to meet up with you.

Fucking hell. Why can’t people read? I suggested the park, the soft play, a walk. All very much for the children.

I am staggered by how many parents believe that their friends should be simply delighted to take their children out alone. It’s absolutely batshit stuff.

I adore my son, obviously. I appreciated my friends making an effort with him when they seen him to ask about school, his friends etc. I wouldn’t in a million years have expected them to look after him for me, despite him being the most interesting and delightful creature to grace the earth. They clearly would have better things to do with their time than hang out with my child.

OP posts:

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 01/02/2026 19:52

The idea of going to the hotel in the evening when there kids are in bed sounds great. But what if (like my kids did) the 6month old screams until 11pm and the toddler spends the whole time clingingto her. I wouldn't want a friend to visit me for a coffee in the hotel room whilst I have a breakdown and cry for hours because my stress levels are through the roof. I feel sorry for you friend. You said last time you saw you friend she was unhappy she probably still is.

I have a good support network but having young children is tough. A couple of my friends just don't seem to understand and as a result the friendship has drifted. I think this will be the end result for you too

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 20:01

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 19:36

@Furning
I think you and your friend are in very different phases of life at the moment.

It's unfortunate that she couldn't meet. Absolutely her kids probably would have been better off outside of the hotel like you suggested. But I'm guessing at 6 months post-partum with a tantrum toddler and a 6yr old in tow, I'm guessing she was very stressed and whilst yes she got them across Europe it was probably very tough. She likely took on too much and got too stressed to go about the holiday as planned.

Perhaps her sister wasn't as helpful as she expected.

I don't think anyone, your friend included, would expect you to take her kids out. I certainly wouldn't let my kids off with someone they didn't know very well, no matter how much I like them. But I.do think you are not quite understanding when people say that you could have offered to bring snacks etc to the hotel.. it isn't because she's an invalid or the hotel doesn't have stuff, it's because it would be a kind thing to do. It would probably be a relief to her to hear that you 100% completely understand her predicament.

She obviously doesn't like being away from her kids much. And probably was embarrassed that the toddler was having a mare.

You on the other hand, have reared your child to adulthood and seem to like the freedom you have now. Different stages of life. Just not compatible anymore.

Maybe in a few years again you will be compatible when she's out of this era.

If you don't feel like you are getting anything from.the relationship you don't need to keep it up. Tbh it doesn't sound like you are great friends anymore anyway... just acquaintances that used to be close? And that's OK too.

What is the obsession with snacks? She’d think I was mad if I took some Maltesers and a bag of crisps round to a hotel.

And for the one millionth time. She did not invite me to the hotel so she clearly did not want me there, with or without these, apparently of utmost importance, snacks!

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 20:04

PhaedraWas · 01/02/2026 19:40

But from what we've been told the friend turned down any option of the OP going to the hotel.

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The OP blatantly said things like "I'm not offering to bring food, the hotel has food, she isn't an invalid"; "I am not telling a grown woman they can stay on pyjamas, she doesn't need my permission"

Things that suggest she isn't actually understanding what myself and other posters mean. She's missing the social cues.

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 20:08

Furning · 01/02/2026 20:01

What is the obsession with snacks? She’d think I was mad if I took some Maltesers and a bag of crisps round to a hotel.

And for the one millionth time. She did not invite me to the hotel so she clearly did not want me there, with or without these, apparently of utmost importance, snacks!

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I think you are missing a few social cues.

It's not about the snacks. It's about the compassion to a struggling mother.

I don't think you are the friend she needs right now.

wordler · 01/02/2026 20:09

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:47

Again, she is an adult woman. She can invite me to the room. She is not overwhelmed about making a decision on where she can see an old friend ffs.

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So it’s either one of the following scenarios:

She was lying about not being able to leave the room because of the toddler and she ended up just not being that bothered about meeting up with you. She was having fun with her sister doing touristy things and didn’t have time for you.
She was telling the truth about not being able to leave the room because of the toddler and has spent a miserable week stuck in a hotel with a six-year-old, a toddler having a massive meltdown and a (still nursing?) baby. Meaning that either:

a) she’s stressed and upset about being stuck in the room and doesn’t think you are the sort of person who would be happy chilling with her among the noise and mess of little kids. Possibly embarrassed about you seeing the toddler meltdown / state of the room.

b) she’s exhausted with the situation and genuinely thought that she’d be able to agree to one of your suggestions and each day just couldn’t make it happen and then suddenly it was too late.

If I had a friend and I believed her when she told me she was stuck in a hotel room with three young kids who she couldn’t leave I’d assume she was having a miserable time and either give her grace and space. Or I’d make it clear that I was happy to bring the catch up to her and make it as easy as possible by facilitating the food/drink etc.

I don’t know your friend - was she lying about not being able to leave the room for a week? If you suspect that then yes, time to step away from this friendship.

If she was genuinely stuck in a room for a week with three young kids then y that’s some serious overwhelm going on there and IMO shame on you for not stepping up.

canklesmctacotits · 01/02/2026 20:09

Furning · 01/02/2026 19:40

So she’s struggling because there’s no other adult around except for her sister but also she’s right not to see, er, another adult around?

She wasn’t visiting her sister, her sister doesn’t live here. They were on holiday.

Posters seem determined to make her a cowed, skint, struggling mother who has no help, has no choice but to fly across Europe with three kids for some bizarre reason, and who can get her kids across the continent but can’t them into a lift or order coffee and juice. This is not her. She is a very competent, capable, intelligent and forthright woman who has more money than I could dream of. Hence having the ability to fly to a very expensive European city at short notice with three kids and stay in an extremely nice hotel.

She’s straight out of a Catherine Cookson novel the way some posters are carrying on.

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So she’s struggling because there’s no other adult around except for her sister but also she’s right not to see, er, another adult around?

I mean, from this thread alone you come across as well and truly not the helping kind. Not a criticism at all - mine were enough for me and I wouldn’t go there again for all the tea in China! I suspect your friends knows you well enough to realise that you would be the kind of adult who would derive no pleasure from a whining toddler and a baby crying at the same time and a 6yo in a hotel room with the tv on and exhausted mother to deal with them all at the same time….and you. Hardly the best arena for a civilised conversation, and certainly not someone who comes across as you do on this thread!

Maybe all is indeed well and she’s just on a trip with her sister. Maybe that was her primary purpose: she and her sister wanted a holiday in your city and she couldn’t keep it from you nor make time for you. Either way, you were at the bottom of the list and fell off the bottom. So be it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 20:10

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 20:04

The OP blatantly said things like "I'm not offering to bring food, the hotel has food, she isn't an invalid"; "I am not telling a grown woman they can stay on pyjamas, she doesn't need my permission"

Things that suggest she isn't actually understanding what myself and other posters mean. She's missing the social cues.

Show quote history

Christ.

’Hi Furning. The children and I will be visiting your city in a couple of months along with my sister. Are you free to meet us?’

’Yes! Any time, anywhere, let me know what is best for you. I can work flexibly so during the day is fine or the evening if you’d prefer to have a glass of wine’.

’Great, shall we say lunch on x date?’

’Yes, that works for me’.

Come the day of the lunch, she text to say the toddler couldn’t settle and could we do x date instead. I said fine.

The next day, she text again saying the toddler was being very clingy and she couldn’t leave her with her sister. I said ‘poor thing. Would it be better to meet with the children? A trip out somewhere? Perhaps the park or a walk? Or the soft play?’

She replies saying that the toddler won’t settle when she takes her out and they’d already had to cancel a trip to our big local park.

I replied saying ‘you are always welcome to bring them here, or I could come to the hotel if it makes it easier’.

She said she’d let me know.

I think it would’ve been quite odd to start harassing her with snack ideas, informing her to stay in her pyjamas, suggesting room picnics etc etc. She was quite aware I was happy with whatever.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 20:13

wordler · 01/02/2026 20:09

So it’s either one of the following scenarios:

She was lying about not being able to leave the room because of the toddler and she ended up just not being that bothered about meeting up with you. She was having fun with her sister doing touristy things and didn’t have time for you.
She was telling the truth about not being able to leave the room because of the toddler and has spent a miserable week stuck in a hotel with a six-year-old, a toddler having a massive meltdown and a (still nursing?) baby. Meaning that either:

a) she’s stressed and upset about being stuck in the room and doesn’t think you are the sort of person who would be happy chilling with her among the noise and mess of little kids. Possibly embarrassed about you seeing the toddler meltdown / state of the room.

b) she’s exhausted with the situation and genuinely thought that she’d be able to agree to one of your suggestions and each day just couldn’t make it happen and then suddenly it was too late.

If I had a friend and I believed her when she told me she was stuck in a hotel room with three young kids who she couldn’t leave I’d assume she was having a miserable time and either give her grace and space. Or I’d make it clear that I was happy to bring the catch up to her and make it as easy as possible by facilitating the food/drink etc.

I don’t know your friend - was she lying about not being able to leave the room for a week? If you suspect that then yes, time to step away from this friendship.

If she was genuinely stuck in a room for a week with three young kids then y that’s some serious overwhelm going on there and IMO shame on you for not stepping up.

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Stepping up by hassling her to see me?

Please don’t reply mentioning snacks.

OP posts:

canklesmctacotits · 01/02/2026 20:15

canklesmctacotits · 01/02/2026 20:09

So she’s struggling because there’s no other adult around except for her sister but also she’s right not to see, er, another adult around?

I mean, from this thread alone you come across as well and truly not the helping kind. Not a criticism at all - mine were enough for me and I wouldn’t go there again for all the tea in China! I suspect your friends knows you well enough to realise that you would be the kind of adult who would derive no pleasure from a whining toddler and a baby crying at the same time and a 6yo in a hotel room with the tv on and exhausted mother to deal with them all at the same time….and you. Hardly the best arena for a civilised conversation, and certainly not someone who comes across as you do on this thread!

Maybe all is indeed well and she’s just on a trip with her sister. Maybe that was her primary purpose: she and her sister wanted a holiday in your city and she couldn’t keep it from you nor make time for you. Either way, you were at the bottom of the list and fell off the bottom. So be it 🤷‍♀️

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I’m just going to add that the comment about meeting you in the hotel bar for an hour kind of said it all. I remember (because I did it alone, transatlantic, many times with babies and toddlers) when bar-attire just didn’t figure in the slightest. The thought of planning something suitable to wear that was fine to get spit up or milk on, with shoes and make up, packed in a suitcase, for -8°C was, on no sleep and wearing a nursing bra (in my case) would have been hilarious. I think you just don’t get it. And that’s fine!! You don’t have to. You asked if this was understandable. Yes. It’s perfectly understandable.

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 20:15

Furning · 01/02/2026 20:10

Christ.

’Hi Furning. The children and I will be visiting your city in a couple of months along with my sister. Are you free to meet us?’

’Yes! Any time, anywhere, let me know what is best for you. I can work flexibly so during the day is fine or the evening if you’d prefer to have a glass of wine’.

’Great, shall we say lunch on x date?’

’Yes, that works for me’.

Come the day of the lunch, she text to say the toddler couldn’t settle and could we do x date instead. I said fine.

The next day, she text again saying the toddler was being very clingy and she couldn’t leave her with her sister. I said ‘poor thing. Would it be better to meet with the children? A trip out somewhere? Perhaps the park or a walk? Or the soft play?’

She replies saying that the toddler won’t settle when she takes her out and they’d already had to cancel a trip to our big local park.

I replied saying ‘you are always welcome to bring them here, or I could come to the hotel if it makes it easier’.

She said she’d let me know.

I think it would’ve been quite odd to start harassing her with snack ideas, informing her to stay in her pyjamas, suggesting room picnics etc etc. She was quite aware I was happy with whatever.

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You missed the social cue early on.... you wouldn't have to harass her if you suggested it early on in the conversation.

You can curse all you want at various commenters but there's no point in posting on Mumsnet from your high horse and just huffing and getting angry at anyone who has made suggestions about your friend.

I don't know why you even call her a friend when you've just criticised her behaviour over the last 7 years (evidently since she got pregnant and started having kids).

I suggested that perhaps you're at different stages if life and thats OK, maybe in the future you can reconnect when your free time aligns more and all you've done is focus on the snacks.