Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

I’m with you! My daughter has had sleepovers but they’ve been at children’s houses where I know the mothers well and there is no male partner/brothers etc!…
Shes also had friends over but we had a motorhome and her and her friends were out there and I went out there just to sleep and ensure they were safe…
I can’t see what difference it makes to the ‘sleepover’ if you picked you daughter up at. Bedtime.?!…. Why does it matter to them if your DD is picked up if they’re just going to sleep anyway?!…. Seems odd to me to uninvite someone who would only miss out on actually sleeping!!

You’re keeping your daughter safe and no you’re not being unreasonable… the other parents however are!!

I feel like teenagers having ‘sleepover’ parties is a bit immature too!…..
Im with you my daughter hasn’t had a sleepover since year 6 (now year 10) and she’s not interested in them anymore….
some of her friends have sleepovers at each others and hang out in the parks late at night vaping and smoking…
Well done for parenting your child…. Too many people seem scared to do so these days! @Flowerpowersss

Aged 8, too, whereas the poor child who was told mummy had to collect her, and lost her invitation to the sleep over - the even that started OPs rant - is in secondary school.

And I note OP has not said how old she is just "secondary school".

Humiliating for the girl, I do feel sorry for her.

No, it's not that she is "parenting her child" is that she wants to decide how others parent their children too, her exasperated demands to "just stop" having sleep overs are what kicked off the thread.

Although I do pity her humiliated secondary school daughter, nobody is suggesting she can't parent her own children. Just that she can't parent their children too.

This exactly, the faux concern is basically the OP doesn't want to have to say no to her child, if we felt it was ok we did sleepovers if not we didn't there is no need to dramatically announce the world needs to stop and we are all the same

How old is she now OP?

You can’t unfortunately protect them forever OP and it would be better to start to equip her with more independence, it’s one of the main parts of parenting secondary age DC IMO.

It also doesn’t seem like you’ve made any effort to get to know the parents. You could have called them in this recent scenario for example and likely avoided DD being uninvited.

Agree you are also being hypocritical expecting other parents to trust you when it doesn’t go both ways.

So yes, YABU.

Oh come on! You can be that naive. Do you really think that a bunch of teens will be going to sleep at what mummy considers to be ‘bedtime’. What’s that? 10pm? 😂

They will be staying up late, chatting, being teenagers!

Being picked up by mummy at ‘bedtime’ will be utterly humiliating for the teenager.

You say you might allow your child sleepovers when they are older? Strange logic because in the teenage years there’ll be a lot more to worry about. It’s really unfair to deny your children experiences that you had and enjoyed. And to make them feel like babies in front of their friends who will probably feel sorry for them.

Ok but there are other ways of providing opportunities for pleasure. Sleepovers aren't essential.

Resentment is not a fact or reality.

I didn't know the parents at the school well enough to know their set up. So yes, they were strangers really. More so in secondary school where parents don't do the school run.

I would try and get to know the parents, I never stopped sleepovers and had some at mine. Your children will resent you now in high school as they are being left out. 6-12 I understand but now in high school tell them not to do x online or message x if someone wants to be silly to them.

I just know too many people who’ve been sexually abused as children by trusted adults (family members, friends dads, friends older brothers) to be able to feel comfortable with this. Or even leaving my children on play dates where there are men or older male children (teenagers) present. It’s bleak but no one ever thinks it’s going to happen. It’s so often a “really nice guy”. Maybe my friends, partners family, and my extended family are just really unlucky and it’s not as common as it seems, of the people I know who experienced sexual assault as a child only 20% were reported/prosecuted, so I don’t trust the official statistics. Non of the cases with boys were reported, people can be protective of their little girls but honestly I think people need to be keeping their boys safe too.

“I know I’m a safe person” 😂 have you heard yourself? The people inviting your DC probably feel the same but you’ve decided they aren’t ‘safe’ so why should they believe you are?!

I feel a lot of your anxiety is based on what happened to you at 8 years old. You need to loosen the reigns a bit & trust your DD. Prepare her for the big wide world by talking to her letting her know what to do in certain situations etc. If she's at a friends house whether for a sleep over or not let her know she can contact you at any time & you'll pick her up if she needs you to.
Why do you feel they wont get up to anything before bedtime?
If your DD gets another invite to a sleepover ring the parents & explain you're anxious & ask what the plans are & sleeping arrangements. Ask who'll be home & if they'll let you know if DD becomes anxious or upset. If your DD has a phone of her own ask her to message you to let you know she's ok & agree a code word or phrase for her to use if she wants to come home but doesn't want her friends to know she's not happy staying over.
I also think it was a bit shitty on the parent of her friend to uninvite her just because she wasn't allowed to sleep there. That's bad form on her part.

I absolutely hate sleepovers. My son doesn’t really want to go (so far anyway, he’s 13) so it’s not been an issue at the moment. I just don’t like the thought of it for many reasons even if I know the parents, I don’t know everyone who goes round their house. I also don’t want to host a sleepover (cousins fine), when I was young, a girl made up that someone’s step dad has tried it on, it turned out not to be true but ruined his life. It’s just a no from me.

Have you heard yourself? Have all the people poking fun at the OP on this thread completely missed the update that she was abused as a child? Can we please just show a small ounce of compassion? Disagree with her, fine. She wanted to hear opinions but stop being snarky to someone who has clearly had a traumatic time.

My DD attended a sleepover and 2 kids were picked up at midnight.. the parents both said that they had things to do the next day so didn’t want the kids to be tired… it wasn’t embarrassing, the other kids just excepted that the 2 girls had gymnastics yearly the next day (or whatever excuse the parents used!)

Early not yearly

Ffs unclench 🤣. Your poor kids. ‘I know I’m a safe person’ 🤣 how do the other parents know that’?

I travelled extensively as a child and also lived abroad yet some of my favourite childhood memories are sleepovers & parties with friends! My daughter is 14 and has a sleepover most week ends, so yes, I do think it’s limiting to not allow children to partake based on fear.

I know all of my children’s secondary school friends’ parents as I’ve invited the children to my house for sleepovers & parties. When parents drop off, they pop in, you have a chat, likewise when these invites are reciprocated. We then see each other at school events, parents evenings, school sports matches, college open days, prom etc. We all have each other’s numbers and help out with party pick ups for the older kids, share lifts to events, have each other’s kids back to help each other out from time to time. You can absolutely get to know the parents if you make the effort early doors.

You do you but my DS hasn't been limited. He's had sleepovers with cousins and camping with school. It's very narrow minded to think that not having sleepovers with friends is very limiting.

I don’t get all this hysteria about sleepovers my DDs have them often and have since they were young.

that said if one of my DDs friends wants to come over but be picked up at bedtime it wouldn’t occur to me to uninvite them on that basis. That’s just mean. It wouldn’t faintly bother me I would rather do what I need to do to be inclusive. Dd2 has made many more diverse friends since she went to secondary and I love it. I love accommodating different needs at my house like allergies and all sorts really. It’s great to set that example of being inclusive and kind.

If your son has never shown any interest in having a sleepover then of course it isn’t limiting as that’s his choice. But if he really wanted to go to one and wasn’t allowed yet his whole friendship group was there then he would understandably likely feel quite left out and on the periphery of things. Also for everyone saying that sleepovers are unsafe but school trips/residentials are perfectly safe - my 14 year old daughter has only ever had one issue with male harassment and that was on her school trip to Paris with a male member of staff at the PGL centre. Luckily it was nipped in the bud quickly as she told a member of the UK teaching staff but my point is that bad things can happen anywhere.

I mean, that's good for you. I didn't see the need to be so involved with other parents.

Primary - drop and run. Small talk at pick up, sports days etc. Didn't need to make friends and my DS wasn't bothered about sleepovers. Lovely days out, which I mostly hosted, fine.

Secondary- couldn't fathom dropping him or picking him up from school! Maybe that's a London thing because kids go by themselves here.

I don’t drop off or pick up from school either. I meant drop off and pick up from sleepovers, parties (both of which seem constant in secondary school). I never said these people are my ‘friends’ but being friendly to your children’s friends’ parents is a good way of making sure you know where they are and who they’re with. My son is 17, there’s a college party pretty much every week end so it’s helpful to share lifts and late pick ups sometimes or to know whose house they’re staying at if they’re not coming home. And yes between all the families over the years there have been Halloween parties, 16th parties, Christmas parties, birthday sleepovers, pre prom, after prom…all sorts. It’s nice to share it all out I guess.