Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

I am in my late 70s and had "sleepovers" but mine were for days/weeks on end at aunts' houses with my cousins. I grew up very close to them, nothing untoward happened. Was I lucky or not?

@caterpillary My DC are 2 and four months so the sleepover dilemma has not come along yet and tbh I'm not sure how I feel about it. However, I would much rather they accused me of making them live in a boring hole as you put it than be sexually abuse

That’s your choice. I never really had sleepovers as a child because my friends lived literally next door or over the road.
Now I take every opportunity for my boys to have sleepovers whenever they can!

That would be fair enough if it stopped at “I don’t want my children to go to sleepovers “. But when she wants everyone else to just stop sleepovers, while hosting herself thus perpetuating that habit and the social expectation of reciprocating , it does become harder to understand.

I never let my daughter stay on sleepovers. She would stay until really late and I would collect her. She wasn't particularly bothered and is now seventeen years old with loads of friends. You make the choices OP and your kids will turn out just fine regardless of sleepovers.

It seems such a shame to live in fear like this. My children (14 & 17) have had so many amazing sleepovers over the years. The last one with 9 girls for a friend’s birthday. So much fun, laughter and so many happy childhood memories. Yes bad things can happen but bad things can happen anywhere…at school, at after school clubs, at family or friends’ homes. You have to let your children live. Get to know their friends’ parents, invite their friends to your house…invest in their friendships. Don’t keep their lives small and deprive them of joy based on your own anxieties.

Sorry to hear that OP. Stick to your guns and collect them late at night. I have posted already but I didn't let my daughter go on sleepovers I collected her late. She has turned out just fine with loads of friends.

My happiest and most fun times were at sleepovers growing up! There’s no way I’ll be stopping my child having sleepovers or going to them.

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers… Oh but I can host sleepovers myself as I’m safe. FFS! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree , get to know the said parents .

Also, if there are other people in the house apart from the OP at the time of the sleepover she’s hosting (other siblings, partner etc) then she can’t possibly say that theirs is a ‘safe’ house for a sleepover.

100% back you. Odd people ‘let them live their lives and learn for themselves’. Why the risk. The damage is done then.

Not sure people’s obsessions with them. I went to plenty as a kid and yes I guess they were fun but also not sure I would have been that bothered. A different world now and lots more risks imo (bullying online, social media, watching things you shouldn’t watch, abuse etc!).

We only do sleep overs with cousins because I know my brother and SIL have the same rules about devices and internet access as us. Also when my nieces and nephews come over here they know the rules and they know they have to behave. I can discipline my own nieces and nephews if they do misbehave and they will listen, dealing with other people’s naughty kids is a nightmare.

Once the kids are older I’m more open to sleep overs, but I will say I don’t really like hosting children I’m not related to.

Sorry but perhaps worry about the fullness of your own kids’ lives if saying no to sleepovers is all it takes to “keep their lives small” 🙄

I read the OP as saying let’s stop sleepovers full stop, including the one’s she has hosted.

I haven’t quite got to the sleepover stage for my children yet but as someone who works in the police, I hate the idea. We never really know anyone. No one wants to think about it but unfortunately there are sex offenders living among us, they aren’t always old single men. The chances are slim but I’d never forgive myself. I’m not even remotely a helicopter parent either.
I don’t agree with you saying you allow it at your house though, that’s a bit hypocritical. Whilst we never really know anyone we also don’t know what they could claim either because there are people, sadly, who do make false reports for various reasons. I just don’t think it’s worth the risk just to sleep somewhere else. In secondary school possibly but I’ve got a long time to think about it.

No sleep overs for my kids. There are many other great experiences for children that keep them out of potential harms way but also make great memories with friends 🧡

I am very against sleepovers (luckily my daughter has never been invited to one yet) but if she was i wouldn't let her go til she was at least early teens and only to people we really know and trust.
It is just too risky IMO in regards to sexual abuse.On the offchance that a male in the house was an abuser, in a situation like that kids would be such easy prey, and god forbid one slip up of judgement and letting them free into the house of a predator could ruin their lives forever.I am also careful about who is present at houses she goes to for playdates.
I wouldn't let her be alone 1-1 with a male either in situations like a private music lesson or something.
Just not worth the risk as sadly whilst of course many men are completely fine, paedophiles can be anywhere.

This. My DS got through primary and secondary without a sleepover and never felt that he missed out. I don't know how other people keep their houses, who they let in, etc. There's no need for children to be sleeping over.

He did camping and trips abroad etc with school, where there were DBS checked adults.

Indeed.

My DS has done school residential, we've travelled to Asia, Europe and the US, he's grown up in London with access to all the cultural capital it has to offer. His life has not been made smaller by not being able to sleep at some random people's house.

I think it’s sad for your child that they are missing out. Those years go by so quickly and you never get them back. No doubt friends at school will be chatting about the sleepover and she’ll be left out.

Good for you, but most kids aren’t that privileged and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

Right. And nobody is saying (or few are) that OP can't refuse her children that simple pleasure, which is also a fantastic, time honoured opportunity to cement friendships and be social with peers.

Just like nobody has said kids should be staying at unknown houses with strangers. So weird that some people are pretending that most sleepovers are like that. In fact, for nearly all sleepovers parents have been to the house, met the family and any pets - or at least I had.

What people are saying is that it is not the OP's place, or her right, to demand others change their parenting to appease her anxiety and make her life easier.

And pointing out that her kids will be resentful of her ban is just a fact (source: reality).

My strong feeling given her exasperation and demands in her first post is that OP is meeting resistance from her kids already over her ban.

And no wonder, how humiliating for her secondary school child to have her mummy demanding to come collect her - and then to have the invitation withdrawn. Poor, poor kid.

I am an old woman now and the only one I had aged 8 was enough to put me off. Friend older sister shoved a hamster down my pjamas, then showed me her bloodstained underwear as she had just started her period. Just continue saying NO its not safe and much worse happens.

So on the basis of your unpleasant experience at the only sleepover you've ever had, all parents should just say NO, including the many parents who have fond memories of numerous happy childhood sleepovers...